Sharon Osbourne Finally Speaks About Splitting Up With Ozzy

After taking yesterday off to throw some stuff in cardboard boxes and Yelp a couple moving companies, Sharon Osbourne returned to The Talk today. In case that huge glass of lemonade she was sipping on was too subtle, Sharon was ready to talk about her recent split from Ozzy Osbourne. Despite that very obvious reference to Beyonce, Sharon wouldn’t say anything about Michelle who does the good hair (aka Michelle Pugh, the hairdresser that Ozzy might have cheated on Sharon with). But she did admit that the rumors are true and that she’s no longer with Ozzy.

Sharon began by thanking everyone for reaching out to her during this crappy time in her life, and added that she feels “empowered” by the situation. Sharon then went on to confirm that she did kick Ozzy out of the house, but he came back, and now she’s out of the house because she needs time to think about it all. Eventually Darlene Conner chimed in and asked what makes this time so different from all the other times they’ve called it quits, and she answered:

“Because I’m 63 years of age, and I can’t keep living like this.”

As for what will happen with Sharon and Ozzy’s marriage, she says she doesn’t know if they’ll stay together or get divorced. A source tells People that as of right now, there are no plans to call up a divorce lawyer and fight over who gets custody of the dogs. Another source tells TMZ that it’s “undecided.”

You can watch Sharon’s entire “I Will Survive” moment here. Out of all the kind words that Sharon received from the ladies around that table, I think the nicest was Sheryl Underwood’s offer to take out her earrings, pull out the Vaseline, and roll up on Ozzy with her cousin. She was clearly joking, but it’s nice to know that Sharon has a ride or die bitch on her side in case a trick needs whooping.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NYpL8D5CVk4

Pic: CBS

True Love Is Dead, Part 583: Ozzy And Sharon Osbourne Split Up Again

Get your mourning gear and prepare yourself for some possible wailing and tears. Make sure you have plenty of tissues, Meg Ryan movies and ice cream, because it might be a very sad and lonely time. Our friend, True Love, is possibly sitting in a car somewhere with the engine running in a locked garage. Sharon Osbourne and Ozzy Osbourne may be done, for the 186,795th time.

E! News broke the story and they’re making it out like it’s very mature and organized. Their source says that they agreed together that Ozzy should move his ass out and that the split has nothing to do with Ozzy’s falling off the wagon. The source says that Ozzy has been dry and sober for over 3 years. But…

The Mirror is reporting that Sharon has proof of Ozzy’s crotch worm meandering into a side piece and she’s not happy about it this time. The alleged side piece in question is a celebrity hairstylist named Michelle Pugh. Things apparently got real bad last week when Ozzy disappeared and Sharon thought he had gone on a booze and drugs bender. And a rep for Ozzy confirms that he’s not living with Sharon by saying, “At this time Ozzy is not at the marital home.”

There have been a million stories of them breaking up, like when Ozzy took to Facebook to let people know he’d fallen off the wagon real bad but that he and Sharon were fine. They also managed to make it through the “Ozzy fucking the nannies“ phase. These two have been married for 34 years, so maybe they’ll take a page out of Rhea Perlman and Danny DeVito’s book. But my question is, since it seems like Sharon does EVERYTHING for Ozzy, how did he manage to screw a ho without her help? Maybe that’s the proof Sharon has. One day, she heard Ozzy scream from the other side of the house, “SSSHHHHAAAARRRRROOOOONNNN, come help me put me prick in Michelle’s muff!”

Pic: Wenn

Cynthia And Peter Of The Real Housewives Of Atlanta Are Probably Done

Way back in my first post, I explained to you all what it means for a man and woman to be a wedding. Well, not all weddings are destined for a Precious Moments figurine life up in heaven because sometimes there’s trouble. Marriage trouble. And this time, I’m not talking about mom and dad sleeping in different rooms. I’m talking about different houses. In different states. That is the case for Cynthia Bailey and Peter Thomas.

TMZ is reporting that the Real Housewives of Atlanta “stars” are living separately. Cynthia is in their Atlanta home and Peter has taken to their house in Charlotte, NC. Apparently, they’ve been living like this for months because Peter can’t handle the drama that the show creates. Specifically for him and Cynthia, who’ve had a rocky relationship from the beginning. Their story line has always been about them patching up their love or some shit and doing it on-camera is just not the one for Peter. He also has a bar in NC, so he’s been there to try and make that shit work. He’s also got some bar scheme going.

No one has filed for divorce papers, but it’s apparently only a matter of time before a stranger walks up to one of them and says “you’ve been served“. I never finish seasons of Atlanta because it is simultaneously too much and also deathly boring, so I’m not totally up to date with these two fighting dumb dumbs, but in the trailer for the reunion, Porsha (I can’t, I really can’t with that name. No. No mas. Por favor leave me alone.) Williams makes some allegations about Peter sluttin’ it up all around the ATL. It’s not the first time Peter has been called a whorin’, sluttin’, cheata! Remember last year when he got his hands all over some trick at the club? Well, at least Cynthia will most likely be asked back for another season so she can marriage woe woo the cameras and the audience again. People love messy marriages! Probably more than their own good ones! So, at least there’s that… And her agency and sunglass line. She’ll always have The Bailey Agency and Cynthia Bailey Eyewear!

Pic: Wenn

Gavin Rossdale Won’t Be Coming For Gwen Stefani’s Cash During Their Divorce Settlement

If you need me, I’ll be in the kitchen fixing myself a strong drink. It’s the only thing that will soothe my neck muscles after I violently shake my head in disbelief that a less famous type didn’t try to drain all the cash from the more famous type’s checking account during their divorce.

According to TMZ, Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani are almost officially divorced after calling it quits on their 13-year-long marriage almost 3 months ago. Well, that was quick. I was expecting they’d try to get a little more mileage out of their split than a single nanny-banging rumor and a shitty song. Eh, to each their own, I guess. Anyway, Gwen and Gavin didn’t have a prenup, but TMZ says Gavin won’t go buck wild and hoover up half of Gwen’s assets. A source claims he agreed to “far less” than the 50% he could have received. Come on, TMZ, I need to know numbers! Does he get 30%? 19%? A case of slightly damaged Harajuku Lovers perfumes that he can hock on eBay? Give me something.

However, he will get the kids (sort of). Technically Gwen and Gavin will split custody of their kids, Kingston, Zuma, and Apollo. But because Gwen’s touring schedule has her all over the place, Gavin will take care of the kids the majority of the time. No word on who gets primary custody of the paps who follow them to their acupuncture appointments.

I still can’t believe that Gavin Rossdale didn’t back a truck up to the courthouse and instruct Gwen to dump half her money inside. Sure, Gavin might have been busting his nuts in anything with a gorgeous head of hair during their marriage, but that’s no reason not to get money. Especially when nobody signed a prenup. I’m sure there are plenty of greedy hos out there who are cursing out Gavin for not reinforcing his pelvis and humping on Gwen Stefani’s metaphorical wallet until there was nothing left inside but a cartoon moth. You’ve let a lot of get money bitches down today, Gavin.

Pic: Splash

Megan Fox And Brian Austin Green Are Over

Damn, that body language! If those two could be any farther apart, they’d need a fish eye lens to shoot them.

So it looks like the Summer of the Split has claimed another set of victims. UsWeekly is saying that Megan Fox has thrown her five year marriage to Brian Austin Green in the “Do not want” pile alongside her old face and that Marilyn Monroe tattoo. An “insider” (that gossipy bitch Donatello, no doubt) tells UsWeekly that Megan walked away from David Silver six months ago and they’re officially separated. Megan and Brian have been a thing for 11 years and share two kids together, 2-year-old Noah and 18-month-old Bodhi.

UsWeekly says they’re still not sure why Megan and BAG are calling it quits, but that sources have told them that shit has “been rocky.” I think that’s code for Megan scrolling through her husband’s cellphone and finding Facebook friend requests from that clingy clinger Donna Martin. Or maybe those blind items were right, and he was slipping his trouser BAG (I don’t know what that means either) to random side-pieces.

But one thing is for sure: now that Megan is semi-single again, there’s a very good chance the first suitor to come a-callin’ will be Shia LaBeouf. If I were Megan, I’d start warning my neighbors now to invest in a good set of earplugs, because it’s only a matter of time before they’re woken up at 3am by the sound of Shia holding an on-fire boombox over his head and screaming “JUST DO IT!!!! JUST DATE ME AGAIN!!!!”

Pic: Splash

Avril Lavigne And Chad Kroeger’s Marriage Is Dead Because She’s Convinced He’s Going To Cheat On Her

I don’t know if it’s the 3 slices of coconut cream pie I just ate or picturing Chad Kroeger rubbing his ramen noodle-pubed trouser worm on the greasy crotches of a bunch of random mouth-breathing Nickelback groupies, but I feel very very ill all of a sudden. You’re right, it’s definitely not the pie. It’s never the pie.

So it looks like we might finally have a reason for why the Manic Panic Pixie Dream Goblin and the come-to-life AXE-scented wallet chain called it quits on their douche-approved union. According to Radar, Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger have spent the last couple months of their 14-month marriage fighting like cats and dogs (or a busted Hello Kitty sticker and an inbred Cocker Spaniel) over several things:

1. Avril can’t trust Chad to keep it in his pants. Chad cheated on his ex-girlfriend with Avril, and now she’s afraid he’ll skip out on her after humping on another kohl-eyed Hot Topic troll

2. Avril has fetus fever (oh lord NO) but Chad doesn’t want a baby right now because he’s about to go on tour

3. Avril’s last album, Avril Lavigne, went triple bismuth (9 copies in Saskatoon) and she blames the album’s failure on Chad because he produced it

So basically, Avril and Chad are the low-budget Labatt Blue Spencer’s Gifts version of Tori and The Deaner. YES I SAID LOW BUDGET; Tori and The Deaner are the gold standard for messy dum-dum cheater marriages.

Personally I’m kind of surprised these are the straws that broke the moose’s back. Cheating and a baby? I was hoping Canada’s Royal Couple would bring the drama in a more Canadian way. Where’s the story about Avril selling all of Chad’s Corner Gas DVDs in a garage sale? Or Chad eating Avril’s Swiss Chalet left-overs from the fridge? You let me down, you two!