Sherri Shepherd Tried To Pay Her Ex $100,000 To Go Away

I know we still technically have 4 months left, but I’m confident in my ability to recognize outstanding achievement in next-level dramatic crazy to declare Sherri Shephed the winner of 2014’s Messiest Divorce. First she makes the mistake of hooking up with an unemployed gold digger named Lamar Sally (a name which has always sounded like a regional chain of discount beauty supply stores). Then she claims Lamar built their relationship on a pile of LIES and she quits that bitch. Then she quits the surrogate carrying her and Lamar’s baby after it’s revealed that Lamar (2014’s Most Shameless Gold Digger) only wanted the surrogate baby to get that lucrative child support cash. Sherri’s split has truly been the definition of the word MESSY. The only thing missing is the appearance of Sherri’s long-lost twin sister Terri and a sinister man wearing a leather eye-patch named “Caboto St. James”, and you’d have an episode of Passions.

Obviously, Sherri wanted to sweep this messy dog dookie of a divorce under the rug before it starts smelling more than it already does, so Radar says that Sherri cut Lamar a check for $100,000, as well as the promise of $3000 a month in child support in an attempt to get him the fuck out of her life. The only problem is she clearly doesn’t understand the level of thirsty gold digging to which Lamar is working, and he turned the money down. Radar also says that Sherri and Lamar have an “ironclad prenup” that denies him from collecting spousal support, but he’s contesting it in a court of law.

Sherri shouldn’t be the least bit surprised that Lamar turned down the cash. Are you new here, Sherri??? $100,000??? You’re dealing with Lamar Sally, the man who hired a surrogate just so he could have a guaranteed check coming his way every month for 18 years; he’s not going to settle for a measly $100,000 and a couple grand every month. Duh! I’m nowhere near completing my PhD in Dirty Digging, but even I know $100,000 is an insult.

And stay tuned for the conclusion of this messy shit show, which will no doubt end with Lamar caught in the middle of a dramatic love triangle between Caboto St. James and Terri.

Jewel And Her Real-Life Cowboy Husband Are Calling It Quits

Maybe it’s all the BBQ maple leaves I ate yesterday, but that hat sort of looks like a friendly penis stingray.

Former homeless Alaskan folk singer and current owner of some serious Magic Eye titties, Jewel, has confirmed in a blog post published Wednesday (TIL: Jewel has a blog) that after 16 years together, she and her professional bull riding husband Ty Murray are getting divorced. Damn, if a squinty snaggle-toothed yodeller and a sassy lil’ cowboy pixie can’t make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us??

“Ty and I have always tried to live the most authentic life possible, and we wanted our separation as husband and wife to be nothing less loving than the way we came together. For some time we have been engaged in private and difficult, but thoughtful and tender undoing of ourselves. Allowing ourselves the time and space to redefine what we are to each other with love rather than with malice.”

I guess “tender undoing” is the country version of “conscious uncoupling”. As much as I want to believe that they’re calling it quits because Ty was caught getting a hand-job from a bull, I think it’s more likely the result of hooking up in 1998. Nothing good came out of 1998! That was the year that gave us both Furbys AND the Matthew Broderick Godzilla. Literally the only non-turd from 1998 was Rose McGowan at the VMAs, but everyone knows an ass that looks like two melons in a plastic grocery bag is never a sure sign that love is meant to last.

Nikki Reed And Her American Idol Husband Are Consciously Uncoupling

Not really; they’re just getting a plain ol’ divorce (only insufferable cunts who’ve lost touch with reality choose to consciously uncouple). Nikki Reed, the actress who played the character “woman truly ashamed of her career choices” in the Twilight series, and her husband, former American Idol contestant and current Gold Digger Club cardholder Paul McDonald are brunching at Le Café Sad this morning and every morning for the next couple months (or until Paul finds an available Hunger Games actress) because a rep for the couple has told People that Nikki and Paul are getting divorced:

“After much consideration, Nikki Reed and Paul McDonald are ending their marriage. They have been living separately for the past six months due to work obligations. They will continue to share their love of music, and are still working on their debut album, I’m Not Falling, releasing in 2014. They remain best friends and look forward to their continued journey together.”

They’re still working on an album together? Yeah…best of fucking luck to that. Clearly these two have never worked with their ex before; I give it 3 weeks before Paul, lazily content with all that Twilight alimony, starts blowing off recording sessions to hook up with an 8th-on-the-call-sheet actress from the Divergent sequel. Nikki, realizing that she’s made yet another terrible career choice, starts addressing Paul as “Not Scotty McCreery“. And eventually they’ll just give up all together and change the title of their album from I’m Not Falling to I’m Not Fucking Kidding, Stop Calling Me.

Pic: Splash

It Was Kabbalah And Kale That Consciously Uncoupled Gwyneth Paltrow And Chris Martin

There you have it! The case of the Castle Goopskull-wrecking hussy is closed! You can go ahead and let all the billionaires you contacted know that they no longer need to come in and let you smell their dicks for imported organic lube and snobby pussy juices. According to The Sun (via The Daily Mail) the reason that Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are unconsciously crappening or whatever isn’t because Gwyneth couldn’t stop bumping her bony butt on random rich dudes, or because Chris Martin got a blow job from a woman who’s mouth didn’t reek of rancid coconut oil and he swore he’d never go back. No! It’s because Chris was pissed that Katie Paltrow was feeding their kids a steady diet of Kabbalah and Kale (don’t tell me Gwyneth and Madonna never tried to start a Salt-n-Pepa-style rap duo called Kabbalah-n-Kale).

Coldplay singer Chris Martin struggled to deal with various aspects of Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle which is believed to have led to their split. It’s thought Chris, who was pictured lavishing his children with attention and even buying them ice cream on numerous of occasions, found the actress’ diet and rules both constricting and hard on the children.

A source told The Sun: ‘He wanted the family to watch DVDs and TV – and also wanted them to eat treats every now and then.’

NO DVDs?!?! Ugh, why does this not surprise me? Gwyneth is definitely the type to make her kids watch experimental 1960s French short films projected onto an 800-thread count Egyptian cotton bed sheet in the backyard. And instead of popcorn, they feast on bullshit and the feeling of superiority.

But it’s always that nasty ho kale’s fault. Kale broke up two of my relationships! The first was with a dude who had to ruin any and all foodstuffs by putting that bitter green shit in everything (YES EVEN ON PIZZA). And the second was with my relationship with Ruffles. I fell into the same trap everyone did two years ago when you tried to switch out regular delicious potato chips for kale chips. Of course I realized I’d made a terrible mistake the second that awful kale chip touched my tongue. Thankfully, Ruffles is a down-for-life bitch, and she took my two-timing ass back.

Katy Perry And John Mayer Have Broken Up (Try Not To Weep Too Loudly)

If you stop into a FedEx Kinkos today and see a sad-looking not-an-engagement ring photocopying his resume, offer to buy his ass some lunch, because bitch is out of a job. According to E! Online, Katy Perry packed up a suitcase filled with all of John Mayer’s casual scarves and Eat-Pray-Love beads, and told him to hit the road:

A source close to the pair exclusively tells E! News that Perry broke up with Mayer within the last few days.

No other details about what prompted the “Dark Horse” singer’s decision were forthcoming, but Mayer was noticeably absent from Perry’s side on her recent trip to London and Milan. She returned home to Los Angeles on Friday.

Despite some early ups and down, the musical pair fast became one of Hollywood’s hottest couples, sweetly gushing about each other in interviews and collaborating on the song “Who You Love,” off of Mayer’s latest album, Paradise Valley.

I spent a good deal of time checking both Katy and John’s Twitter accounts to see if anything was mentioned about a breakup, but there’s nothing there. No, literally, there’s nothing there; I just petitioned life to give me back the 10 minutes I lost (“No dice; you knew what you were getting into” – Life). Really though, this is good news for Katy; with John Mayer out of her life, she’ll finally be able to schedule a little me-time and work on some much-needed self-improvement (like tightening up that lip synching and power washing her mouth).

And a warning to employees of free STD clinics nationwide: say goodbye to those vacation days you saved up and get ready to work some serious overtime. John Mayer’s diseased dick is back on the market again.

Pic: Splash

Is There Something In The Water??

Doesn’t anyone stay together anymore?? As a two-time loser in the getting married department, I’m all for just shacking up until you’re tired of picking towels and dirty underwear up off the bathroom floor and bitching about toilet seat placement, then kicking their annoying dirty ass to the curb. But once you put a ring on it, you’re supposed to try to deal with all of that shit till death do us part. I know, I’m a total hypocrite, but I’m in good standing with all of the far right sanctity of marriage people. Okay I should really re-think that.

So, the latest person to join me on the ever growing list of vow breakers is Russell Crowe. Sydney Confidential says that he and his wife of 9 years Danielle Spencer have hit the skids. Danielle is currently in Sydney with their two children, 8 year old Charles and 6 year old Tennyson and Russel is in the US filming Noah, and there is speculation that his grueling work schedule is at the root of it all. There are no details except that the split is amicable and that their main concern is protecting their boys. By “amicable” I think they mean he probably didn’t split her face open with a cell phone. So that’s nice.

I hope it really is just long work hours and Russell didn’t come down with the same can’tkeepitinhispantsitis that afflicted Danny DeVito, but if that’s what happened at least it makes some sense this time. I would pour one out for their union, but I live in a blue state and on Sunday that’s a no-no. Maybe tomorrow.

Thank you Swallows!