Sharon And Ozzy Osbourne Broke Up

The next time Ozzy Osbourne wakes up in the middle of the night and screams out, “SHARE-EEEEEEEEEEEEEN,” the only sound he’ll hear back is the sound of one of their ten million dogs shitting on the carpet (they’re dogs are ALWAYS shitting on the carpet). Because TMZ says that Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne’s marriage is now lying in a ditch next to the dove head that he bit off.

A few days ago, The Sun said that Ozzy and Sharon pressed paused on their marriage and are sleeping in different places. Jack Osbourne shat on that rumor on Twitter. But now TMZ is saying that The Sun was telling the truth, because Sharon is apparently living full-time at The Beverly Hills Hotel and Ozzy is staying in a rented house a few miles away. Even though their marriage of 31 years is circling the drain, they don’t have any plans to divorce yet.

I’m every layer of bitter and jaded and even I didn’t think Ozzy and Sharon would ever break up. How is he going to function without her? Didn’t Sharon do everything for Ozzy including bathe him, dress himp, feed him, brush his teeth, wipe his ass and shake his peen for him after he pees? Ozzy’s going to be a mess! Without Sharon, he’s probably going to waddle aimlessly through the streets with his panties down to his ankles, because he forgot how to wipe his own ass and needs some help. I’d say that he could ask Siri, but I just asked Siri how to wipe my own ass and that bitch wasn’t any help. And no, that wasn’t the first time I asked Siri that question.

Here’s Sharon at The Ivy with a dog friend and Kelly Osbourne last week.