Mark Ruffalo Is Not Well-Endowed, Says Mark Ruffalo

Size queens, update your files, because Mark Ruffalo was overheard telling a bunch of journalists at a roundtable for The Avengers that he’s about as hung as a Waterpik and that your clit could probably pin down his peen in a wrestling march. Mark had to wear a taint-suffocating motion capture suit to play The Hulk and apparently it made his crotch look like an earthworm wearing a leotard. HuffPo says this is what Mark told everyone about his dick situation:

“Yes, and that was my first day and that was a miserable day. It was smoky, it was hell and I felt really uncomfortable. I’m not well-endowed, and those suits don’t really show you off in the most…”

This news should really get the “WHO CARES” stamp, because who really does care if you have to suck in with your coochie so his pinky dick doesn’t slip out and who cares that you can suck on his entire peen while licking his b-hole at the same time. You’re still humping on Mark Fucking Ruffalo! Sometimes it’s all about the piece and less about the piece’s piece. Take Donald Trump’s gross, ugly, disgusting ass for instance….

The Trump called into TMZ yesterday to talk about letting Hot Slut inductee and transgender beauty queen Jenna Talackova back into the Miss Universe pageant. Miss Universe agreed to let Jenna back in after she proved that she’s legally a female by showing them her passport and other documents. Gloria Allred is representing Jenna (of course) and held one of her fame whore press conferences where she said that it’s wrong for Miss Universe to ask for proof since nobody has asked Donald Trump to take off his pants to prove he’s got a peen. Donald said that if he took off his chonies in front of Gloria, she’d be impressed by his “manhood.”

The Trump’s junk must be big, because it’s making me gag up a vom ball and I’ve never even seen it. But this just proves my point. Who would you rather? Mark Ruffalo or a bloated, fart-filled swamp frog with a big dick and comb over pubes? You’d probably pick the hung swamp frog since you’re a pig slut with no standards!

So if The Trump is telling the truth about his big fat dick (which you know he’s not), then he’s a pain in the ass in more ways than one.

Twerk It, Tommy, Twerk It!

Not since the great Hobbit dance-off that rocked Middle-earth have you ever seen tiny legs kick out scorching hot moves like this. At the Palm Springs wedding of the son of Oracle’s CEO Larry Ellison, a not knowing dude made the wrong decision of challenging Scientology’s flyest fly girl (sorry, John Travolta) to a dance war that looked like the Lollipop Guild’s remake of You Got Served. Make it rain gumdrops on Tommy Girl, because he obviously wrapped up this battle by dropping his midget crotch like the dance floor was covered with man anuses. And Tommy dropped and butt fucked the floor something special while wearing high heels AND lifts. No contest.

When Tommy accepts his trophy for winning this mess by a landslide, he better thank his personal choreographer and smooth move mentor Little Superstar:

via TMZ

That Box Of Pixels Is Way Too Generous

No. That headline is joking (no, it’s not). Whichever line on the wooden ruler Ashton Kutcher’s dick tip touches is between him and those nude colored chonies he’s wearing. But I wouldn’t say you were lying if you said that Ashton’s peen is 5lbs of sugar in a 15lb pixelated sack.

Acting out the beginning of the classic joke “a nekkid douche Jesus and a happy lesbian walk into a green room,” Ashton brought his nipples out for Ellen Degeneres in an episode of her show airing sometime next week. That box of pixels would look a lot better if it floated up and covered that mangy curled squirrel around his chin, but I still have to give this dick bag credit for selling a show the right way. WITH NIPPLES! MAH BOO, take note!

via People

Hayden Panettiere’s Fans Don’t Understand How She Has Sex With Her Giant Boyfriend

Hayden Panettiere is 5’1″ and her boyfriend Wladimir Klitschko is 6’6″, so the image of her balancing on all fours on two plastic crates while he hits it from the back might fill your head when topic of them having sex comes up, but we pretty much know how it works. Right? Right. But some of Hayden’s fans need to be taken into the corner and given a sex ed. class using a treasure troll doll and a Stretch Armstrong, because they have no idea. The mystery of how the elf mounts the giant plagues them so!

Hayden was on Ellen (via UsWeekly) today and talked about how some of her fans ask her how it works. Hayden basically tells them my life motto: where there’s a peen, there’s a way!

“He is quite a bit bigger than me. I get the prudest people coming up to me and they’re like, ‘Does it work?’ Yeah, it works. We find a way. Where there is a will, there is a way!

[The people who ask me how sex works with my boyfriend] are very conservative people most of the time but that just have to know. Like, ‘I have to know, I just have to ask you this question. I’m really sorry but…'”

It’s really not that hard, people. Wladimir lies very still on a hard surface and two trapeze artists hang from silk ropes on either side of Hayden. Then a couple of leprechauns with steady hands hold Wladimir’s dick up as the trapeze artists gently lower Hayden on top. But they can’t put her down all the way or Wladimir will do vag-to-mouth without even pulling out. Internal organs would get rearranged and tonsils would get knocked out… It wouldn’t be a good thing. There’s always an ambulance from the doll hospital standing by if that ever happens. SEE! Simple!

Malcolm Is A Mess

Frankie Muniz allegedly put a gun to his head and threatened to pull the trigger during a fight with his girlfriend Elycia Turnbow at their home in Phoenix, Arizona on Friday night. This was after Frankie pulled out a step stool, stood on it and punched Elycia in the back of the head. Frankie and Elycia both deny any of this happened, but TMZ says the police report says otherwise. And I thought Dewey would be the one who would grow up and inherit Gary Coleman’s Napoleon RAGE.

The cops were apparently called when Frankie and Elycia got into a brawl of words over their past pieces. Elycia told the police that Frankie brought his fist on her head and then shoved her into a bathroom wall. When Frankie put the gun to his gigantic globe of a head, Elycia got scared and called one of his bandmates.

But Frankie’s side of the story is totally different. Frankie claims he was sound asleep dreaming of his childhood with the Lollipop Guild when Elycia woke him up by pounding on his head. Frankie says she fell off the bed and started kicking at his bedroom door.

Frankie later told police that he never put the gun to his head and it’s not even loaded. The police report says that the gun was loaded. Frankie also says that he loves Elycia too much to Ike Turner her in the head.

Frankie’s rep issued a statement denying all of this:

“Frankie and Elycia had an argument a few days ago. The police were called to the residence.

A gun played no part in the argument and was voluntarily given to the police for safekeeping. There were no bruises and neither left the residence. He was not suicidal. She was not assaulted.”

Never mind that Elycia looks like an R-rated version of Claudia Salinger or that Frankie Muniz looks like an adult Chicken Little on the wrong kind of growth hormones and hair plugs, the most horrifying part of this story is that Agent Cody Banks IS IN A BAND!

Grow Up, Matt Lauer!

Can’t an adult woman like Jean Chatzky talk about companies shrinking the size of the package without all of us picturing a shriveled crotch coming out of a cold pool or a flaccid dick in a Space Bag?! The answer is NO, because that’s exactly what I pictured when Jean talked about shrinking packages on Today this morning. And that’s what hit Matt Lauer’s brain too, because he broke and busted into a load of laughs.

This was the same kind of laugh his wife swallows whenever he gets nekkid in front of her. NO! I’m sure Matt’s package is so big and precious that he needs a forklift and a signature to deliver it into a vag!

via Vulture