Bitch, You Ain’t Evita!

Here’s Latina legend in her own ass, JLo, having a “Don’t cry for me Rio de Janeiro” moment with her imaginary subjects at the Carnival parade in Brazil last night. If the camera pulled back, you’d see thousands of people RUNNING FOR THEIR LIVES from that balcony, because they know that nothing is strong enough to hold up JLo’s 6,000 ton ego. That balcony is now going down in history as a man made wonder, because it actually didn’t collapse from the weight of JLo’s love for JLo. It’s a good thing that didn’t happen, because that would’ve ruined Casper’s first Carnival and JLo wouldn’t have any good pictures to put in his baby book.

You know, I don’t know what this says about me (don’t answer that), but every time I see a new picture of Casper, I notice a new gift from his sugar mamita. I see that fancy gold watch, Casper. Casper is seriously collecting a toy chest full of treasures that he’ll eventually have to pawn off when JLo dumps him for a younger baby in the sea. In the meantime, #getmoneybaby

This Is Awkward

Valentine’s Day is already a disgusting, vomit-inducing, eye-rolling holiday of grossness and JLo decided to take it to the next sucio level by Tweeting this picture of her and her bought-and-paid piece Casper Smart to her almost 5 million followers. JLo’s delusional ass thought she was giving her followers the perfect portrait of real love, but this is anything but. AWKWARD is one word that just farted out of my brain. This is the moment when JLo looked down and realized that her leased boy toy has her ex-‘s face tattooed on his arm.

If I direct my ear toward Eternia, I can pretty much hear Marc Anthony cackling from the top of Castle Grayskull over this shit. Skeletor will forever haunt you, JLo! When you hug your piece in his crib after he’s had a scary nightmare about getting suffocated between two Puerto Rican warthogs, it’s Skeletor’s face you’ll see. When you gently put a SpongeBob SquarePants Band-Aid on his arm after he gets his first tetanus shot, it’s Skeletor eyes who will be mocking you from Casper’s arm. You will never escape Skeletor!

The Daily Mail says that JLo quickly took the picture down and I’m guessing it’s because she saw what we’re all seeing. I bet that right after she pulled it down, she pulled Casper to the nearest toddler tattoo parlor to get Skeletor’s face off of his arm. It’s an easy fix. Just throw a wig on that skeleton’s face, ink two dollar signs into its eyes and you can call it a JLo tattoo.

And I’m actually surprised that JLo posted her first posed photo with Casper on Twitter for free. JLo was paid a shit load of money to pose with the Dragon Tales Twins on People Magazine, so one would think that she’d do the same thing with her newest child. Oh, JLabuela, love is changing you.

Posh Grabs Becks By The Balls

Brought to you by Becks’ Facebook page (via Buzzfeed), here’s Posh Beckham making icicles form on the assholes of Lucifer’s minions in hell by actually cracking a slight smile while doing a “ball check” pose in front of her husband’s billboard in NYC. This is some historic shit since we all figured Posh’s mouth was permanently flatlining into bitch mode. Posh can smile! But Posh stopped smiling after a dude parked his car in front of her, got out and tried to stick a quarter in her mouth since she’s as skinny as a damn meter.

And here’s a few hilariously awkward pictures of Posh, Hamish Bowles and Anna Wintour in the subway at the inaugural run of a Union Jack covered car for the GREAT Britain campaign in NYC today. It’s known that Posh would give all five hundred of her kids to get on the cover of American Vogue and Anna Wintour’s acting like she’s not even alive. To be honest, I don’t even know if Posh is alive, because damn it looks like she shares a make-up artist with The Walking Dead. I feel like I’m Haley Joel Osment and she’s one of my ghost visitors. Posh is looking like a Dark Crystal puppet inspired by The Curious Case of Ali Lohan and the Mexican zombie (Zombican?) from the Black Eyed Peas. Somebody get Posh 1/1000th of a Triple Bypass Burger!

And Here’s A Model With A 20-Inch Waist

I meant to cover this mess yesterday, but blacked it out (for obvious reasons) and remembered it again as I knocked the nightmare smegma balls from my eyes this morning. Sometime this morning, I had a life-ruining night terror where I was trapped in the body of Melania Trump and was on my way to dinner with Donald Trump and my Tia Lupita. My Tia Lupita never slapped me in the mouth for dragging her to dinner with Donald Trump and I didn’t even seem to mind that I was about to swallow food next to a talking hairy ass boil. It was just a terrifying sleeping experience and it was so horrific that my brain tried to cleanse itself of it by secreting sticky pus balls (Not Jizz. I wish). As I knocked them out with a Q-Tip this morning, I looked at that Q-Tip and it sort of reminded me of something. It reminded me of this Romanian model with a 20-inch waist!

The Sun (read: so it’s probably fake) talked to 30-year-old “model” Ioana Spangenberg who can wear a cock ring as a belt and who can keep a hula hoop up without moving her body. “The Human Hourglass” claims that her 20-inch waist came to her naturally after puberty. Ioana eats chocolate, chips and huge meals all day and her waist still stays pinched like that. It’s Iona’s metabolism, obviously. Bitch’s metabolism is so crazy that it even ate her stomach. Ioana tells The Sun that she always self-conscious about her body, but she began to embrace the skinny after she met her husband:

“When I was 13 my waist was around 15 inches. Someone could put their hands around it, their fingers would touch and they would still have extra room. In Romania it is better to be overweight, because that means you are from a wealthy family. So while my friends were going out and dating, I was sitting at home with Mars bars wishing I could fatten up.

Jan [her husband] was the first person who saw me as beautiful and encouraged me to celebrate my body. He asked me to pose in some photos for him. He was so impressed he put them online and the response was amazing. I would still like to gain weight so I don’t look so shocking — and now that I live in Germany I can’t get enough pizza or kebabs. But I’m finally comfortable in my own skin.”

Ioana doesn’t mention any kind of corset training and I just can’t believe that her internal organs naturally migrated into her ass. I bet if Ioana swallows a pea, you’d hear it free fall down her body before popping out of her crotch since there’s no organs in the way waiting to digest it. I just want to wear her as a bow tie.

And if you’re still squinting at that picture while thinking to yourself that it should get a Photoshop and a Fun House Mirror Award, here’s Ioana’s hourglass body in action:

Protip: Do not go to skinnyfans.com unless you want to be knocking slimy nightmare balls out of your eyes next to me in the bathroom.

What A Precious Moment

What you’re witnessing is the very special moment when a leased piece asks his sugar mamita for a raise in his weekly allowance so that he can finally pay off the CZ studs he bought with his Zales charge card. Or maybe Casper Smart is telling JLo that he made a doo doo mound in his diaper. JLo’s eyes do look like they’re being touched by a stank cloud of baby diarrhea. I really hope my first guess about what’s going on here is right, because obviously his $10,000 a week allowance is not cutting it. Dude needs to hire a stylist so he can stop looking like Howard the Duck going to a costume party as a low-budget Bruno Mars.

Here’s more of JLo and her paid bitch at some photo shoot with Mario Testino in Miami yesterday. As my new favorite poetweeter Casper Smart says: to be continued…..

Casper Smart Has Been Promoted To Kept Bitch

Casper Smart must be doing all of his chores on time, because his azuquita mami JLo has moved him up from full-time rebound piece to being on her payroll. Casper makes a back-up dancer’s salary and JLo won’t even fart into the doorway of the places he can afford to take her, so she’s allegedly giving him a $10,000 a week salary to keep everybody happy. Well, I’ve always said that good dick will make you sign a blank check and hand over your ATM code. But who knew that a humanized Howard the Duck could leave a ho dickmatized. Give it, get it, spend it, Casper.

Star Magazine (via Hollywood Life) heard from some source that JLo is an old-fashioned kind of bitch who thinks that the man should pay and it embarrasses her on the inside every time she has to bring her credit card out during dates with Casper. JLo is now putting a little money in his piggy bank, so everyone around them will think that he’s paying even though everyone knows that she’s really paying. The source says, “She hated having to whip out her credit card every time they go to dinner. Jen figured it’s easier to give Casper a weekly stipend, and she thought $10K was a nice round number. Jen doesn’t want to go over the top, showering Casper with too much, but she also wants him to up his game. Jen is hoping Casper won’t think twice about buying presents for her kids or whisking her off for a surprise weekend getaway.”

Is Star sure the source didn’t leave a zero out in that $10,000 number? Because JLo’s idea of a quick weekend getaway is getting her asshole platinum-leafed in an exclusive spa housed in an old diamond mine off the coast of Africa. And $10,000 won’t even platinum leaf one of her ass lips. But honestly, I bet JLo’s not even the one signing Casper’s check. JLo is ridiculous, but she’s not going to open up her checkbook when her main pimp Fiat will do it for her. Fiat’s only requirement is that whenever Casper and JLo are getting down in a hotel room, he’s contractually obligated to scream out “I’m going to ride you like a 1.4 liter Fiat 500, available at your local Fiat dealer!” loud enough for at least 4 people to hear.

In related news, The National Enquirer says that JLo’s kids, the Dragon Tales Twins, are calling her kept piece “Daddy Casper.” You know, there’s no point in freaking about this, because I don’t think it’s a nickname. I’m pretty sure Daddy Casper is his actual government name.