Jennifer Lopez And Marc Anthony Got Themselves A Little Attention Last Night

Jennifer Lopez dumped Casper Smart two months ago, which means she’s free to do whatever she wants with her business. And apparently one of the things she wanted was to go to town on Marc Anthony’s mouth in front of an audience of a huge audience at the Latin Grammys last night in Las Vegas. Just a reminder that Marc Anthony is currently married to someone not named Jennifer Lopez.

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Leah Remini’s Beginning Of The End With Scientology Started At Tom Cruise’s Wedding

“Girl, I don’t know really remember, I had to get all the way fucked up to deal with that fake bullshit” is probably what Leah Remini is saying in that picture after a pap asked her how Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ wedding went.

During an interview with 20/20 that airs tomorrow night, Leah Remini is supposed to lift the curtain covering up those alien-humping crazies and she’s also supposed to say some shit about Scientology’s golden child Tommy Girl. Leah supposedly says in the interview that Tommy played a role in why she decided to make like Kirstie Alley’s sanity and quit that bitch. Anybody who has been following Leah’s escape from Scientology knows that she slowly started to pull her head out of L. Ron Hubbard’s gaping asshole at Tommy and Katie’s wedding in Italy. Many things about that wedding have been said, but Tony Ortega added a little more info on his site The Underground Bunker (via Radar).

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This Dude Is Ugly, According To Marc Anthony’s Dad

So much for the a face only a father could love theory. During an interview with Meredith Vieira (via E!), Pazuzu’s long-lost twin brother Marc Anthony acknowledged what we all sort of know deep down in our most judgmental heart of hearts: that he’s not exactly…how you say…a looker. However, he didn’t discover this information one day on the internet after searching “Marc Anthony Skeletor how much look like really” or from watching his ex-wife describe her past pieces on Watch What Happens Live; Marc Anthony learned that Marc Anthony was hotness challenged from his father, who also happens to be hotness challenged.

“It is what it is. My dad told me early on, ‘Son, we’re both ugly.’ I swear to God, he says it to this day. He said you work on your personality. It builds character.”

When Meredith asked if that kind of brutal read hurt his feelings, Marc Anthony answered:

“Absolutely not. I was born looking at his face, and he was right.”

Marc Anthony’s dad is right though; even the most Szyslakian face is no match for a panty-dropping personality. If Jon Hamm didn’t look like Jon Hamm, he’d still be eyeball-deep in pussy, because he’s got a great personality. A great, big, thick 12″ personality. NO! It’s because he can make a bitch laugh. Besides, Marc Anthony has the voice of a horny angel, and that’s kind of sexy. It’s also the kind of thing you can close your eyes to and still enjoy while you’re getting your fuck on. Sure, you might have a heart attack once you open them and realize you’re banging Skeletor, but that’s your own fault – humping on the truly sexy sometimes comes with a price!

Marc Anthony Made Shannon de Lima His Third Wife Yesterday

Wow, that was fast! Literally one week after they announced their engagement, Skeletor (aka Marc Anthony aka The Cryptkeeper’s sexy illegitimate son) and his on-again off-again model girlfriend Shannon de Lima got married. Listen, I’m all for a bitch getting money, but at least take a moment to stretch first! Gold digging is a high-impact activity and you don’t want to pull a muscle!

According to People, 46-year-old Skeletor and 26-year-old Shannon tied the knot on Tuesday in front of friends and family at Snake Mountain at his home in the Dominican Republic. No word on whether or not the ceremony was officiated by Beast Man (I heard he’s an ordained minister of the Universal Church of Eternia).

Unless you’re a 90s-era Guns N’ Roses ran, it probably seems weird to have a wedding in the middle of November. And I’m sure Skeletor would have gotten hitched in the summer like every other wedding type, but he had to take care of his other two marriages first. Both Skeletor’s messy child support money fight with his first wife Dayanara Torres and his divorce from Jennifer Lopez were finalized in June. Like someone’s folksy memaw probably used to say: you gotta clean up one mess before you make another!

I think Shannon is a great match for Skeletor, and it’s not just because she’s clearly brave enough to have sex with a terrifying skeleton-faced man. It’s because Skeletor always looks like tired farted on exhausted, and she’s the perfect height for him to rest his head on her Tempur-Pedic titty balls and take a nap. Shannon, get money bitch! Skeletor, get some Zzzzzs.

Jennifer Lopez Says Ben Affleck Was Her First Heartbreak

Pull on a pair of JUICY velour sweatpants, grab a fedora and your Britney Spears rhinestone bowtie necklace, because we’re about to go all the way back to the glory days of 2003 for this one! The Original Human Butt (sorry Kim) Jennifer Lopez confessed in an upcoming interview with Maria Shriver for TODAY (via Page Six) that despite having been married and divorced twice by the time she hooked up with The Human Chin Divot Ben Affleck, she considers the breakup of Bennifer to be the first time she ever truly did the slow wall slide of sadness into a pile of ice cream and sweatpants. Thankfully, her good friend Skeletor (government name: Marc Anthony) was there to offer her a bony shoulder to cry on:

“It was probably my first big heartbreak, and to have one of my best friends [Marc Anthony] who I’d known for years who I actually love and did have chemistry with come into my life and say, ‘I’m here.’ What you need to know is, nobody can save you or heal you. Only you can do that for you.”

I know we’re to believe that the day Ben Affleck angrily stormed out of the all-white mansion (everything was all-white in 2003) he shared with JLo as she ran after him screaming “MY LOVE DON’T COST A THING……thing…thing…thing…” was her first big heartbreak, but I don’t think that’s necessarily true. I would think that starring in a lukewarm turd like Gigli would be enough to crack your soul in half. Imagine screening that mess right before it was scheduled to be released, then realizing that you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake, then knowing that you’d have to spend the next 2 months of your life promoting that awful piece of crap? That breaks my heart just thinking about it!

Skeletor Has To Pay His First Ex-Wife $26,800 A Month In Child Support

Seen above throwing a “We’re going to get know each other reeeeeal well once this marriage dies” wave at Marc Anthony’s accountant during their wedding reception, Dayanara Torres was trying hard to get her monthly child support check from him increased from a paltry $13,000 a month to a Paltrow-ey (which is the opposite of paltry) $123,000 a month. Skeletor was paying Dayanara $13,000 a month in child support, but she took him to court and tried to get more, because she claims she could barely take care of their boys with that money. At the time, Dayanara argued that $123,000 is nothing to Skeletor, because he was making over $1 million a month. But sadly for her, she isn’t getting anywhere near $123,000 a month.

UsWeekly says that a judge declared that Skeletor has to use his bony hands to reach into his vault of treasures in Castle Grayskull and pull out $26,800 every month. The judge was obviously not amused by Dayanara saying that she needs well over $1 million a year to raise two kids. Skeletor’s lawyers, Evil-Lyn and Panthor, agreed to give Dayanara $28,000 a month and $30,000 a year for travel. The judge slashed those numbers to $26,800 a month and $12,000 a year. Skeletor agreed to pay Dayanara child support until their boys turn 21, but the judge declared that he can stop giving her cash when their boys turn 18.

The judge also noted in the documents that Skeletor was making over a $1 million a year, but this year he’s ONLY been pulling in $600,000 a month.

Dayanara’s lawyers told the court that she pays $7k a month for a housekeeper and a nanny, so bitch isn’t even taking care of her kids (one of which is special needs) full time. So she spends $7k for someone to take care of her chirrun and clean her house and I’m guessing her other expenses include rent (a few thousand dollars), tuition for her kids’ private schools (a few hundred dollars) and food for her kids (a couple of hundred dollars… I mean, how much does popcorn and ketchup packets from McDonald’s really cost). Dayanara can spend the rest on booze, blow, BMWs and Blahniks! Dayanara is living the life and all she had to do was let Skeletor bust a few raw Skeletor nuts up in her a few times. But poor Gabriel Aubry. He thought he was living large with his $16,000 a month until he found out that he could’ve made $10,000 more a month if he let Skeletor bareback bone a baby into him.