Skeletor’s Ex-Wife Had To Leave Her House After She Was Repeatedly Called A Whore Over A Bullhorn

The world is a shit place and I will lose all faith in humanity if someone doesn’t name their band Whore Over A Bullhorn.

Marc Anthony’s ex-wife Dayanara Torres reached high for the gold digging stars last year when she filed papers in court to ask that her child support be raised from $13,000 a month to $113,000 a month. The starving orphans of the world and homeless hobos all shed a tear for Dayanara, because she’s so down and out that she has to live in an apartment with her two sons in the San Fernando Valley and she probably has to buy generic brands at Whole Foods and probably only has 1 car that’s a 2-year-old BMW. THE HORROR OF IT ALL! Dayarrhea cried that Skeletor makes over a million dollars a month, so $113,000 isn’t shit to him. They’re still fighting about this in court and TMZ says that Dayanara recently claimed in court that she was so hard up for money that she had to sell her house and move into that apartment in the Valley.

But Skeletor says in documents that when Dayanara’s mouth isn’t spitting out lies, it’s blowing married dudes and the latter is the real reason why she moved out of her house. He claims that Dayanara was screwing a married man and when the dude’s wife found out, she showed up to Dayanara’s house and did what Pimp Mama Kris does every afternoon to wake up her hos: she screamed the word “WHORE” through a bullhorn. The scorned wife would regularly show up to Dayanara’s house and scream through a bullhorn for the whole neighborhood to hear. Skeletor even had to send his security guards to her house to handle the raging whore caller. Dayanara was so desperate to move that she sold her house at a loss.

Dayanara denies that the bullwhorn fuckery ever happened.

I know nothing about Dayanara’s dude’s wife and I already love her with all of my being. It was love at first “whore” over a bullhorn.

And I wish that I was married to Skeletor for a second and found a way to birth out his kids, because then I’d have enough money to buy Dayanara’s old house. Some people want to wake up to the sound of birds chirping, I want to wake up to the sound of a mad lady screaming “WHORE” over a bullhorn. Fuck Folgers, that would be the best part of waking up.

Pic: Bauer Griffin 

#GETMONEYBITCH! Skeletor’s First Ex-Wife Wants $113K A Month In Chid Support

While Skeletor snacks on deep fried unicorn balls as he lounges in his luxurious lair in Snake Mountain, his first ex-wife and their children are living like poors (read: normal people) in a total dump (read: probably a totally normal apartment) in the Valley! Marc Anthony’s ex-wife, former Miss Universe Dayanara Torres, is ONLY getting a measly $13,000 a month in child support to take care of their two sons and now she’s asking for more numbers to be added to her monthly check. Dayanara (or “Dayarrhea” as Skeletor’s business manager is probably calling her) wants $113,000 a month.

TMZ says that Dayanara filed court documents claiming that while they were going through their divorce, Skeletor played the broke card and acted like he was having money problems so he wouldn’t have to pay her that much in child support. The week his divorce from Dayanara was finalized, he bought JLo a $4 million engagement ring. Dayanara claims that $113,000 isn’t shit to Skeletor, because he makes at least $1.25 million a month and pays multi-millionaire JLo a lot in child support.

Dayanara also claims that her sons spend more time with their Marc Anthony action figure than they do with him. Sometimes months go by without them seeing their dad. Dayanara really laid the dramatics on thick when she wrote in the documents that Skeletor does buy his sons a bunch of toys for Christmas, but their apartment is so small and some of the toys are so big that they can’t play with them.

One of the boys is special needs and that’s another reason why she wants a bigger check every month.

I don’t have any human children, so I have no idea, but it seems like $156,000 a year is more than enough to raise two kids. I know it was a million years ago, but my mom raised two kids by herself with a lot less cash than that. But in Dayanara’s defense, she lives in L.A. and you can easily blow your monthly child support check on one visit to Whole Foods.

Is Dayanara ridiculous for asking for an almost 1000% raise? Yes. By “child support” does Dayanara really mean “MEandmychildren support?” Probably yes, but I will always support a #getmoneybitch kind of a ho. Besides, Skeletor can afford it since his expenses are really low. Skeletor doesn’t buy food because he gets all his nourishment from sucking the pristine breath out of virgins and all those fancy jewels he wears he stole from the vault in Castle Grayskull.

Casper Smart Has Somebody To Play With At The Children’s Table

Skeletor could never move on from losing Castle Grayskull to He-Man time and time again, but when it comes to love dude moves a whole lot faster. Just one month after breaking up with Venezuelan model Shannon De Lima, Marc Anthony has already moved on to a new piece, 21-year-old Topshop heiress and reality show trick Chloe Green. Chloe was friendly with 44-year-old Skeletor when he was still married to JLo and now their friendship has bloomed into some full-time humping.

Skeletor took the 5-year-old Dragon Tales Twins, Max and Emme, to Disneyland in Anaheim, CA on Tuesday and his new piece Chloe came along for the rides. Skeletor and Chloe held hands, canoodled out in the open and she carefully listened while holding Emme as he told her about his plans to conquer Cinderella’s Castle since he could never fully conquer Castle Grayskull.

The Daily Mail points out that Chloe is 2 years younger than Skeletor’s eldest kid Ariana and 4 years younger than JLo’s bought-and-paid-for piece Casper Smart.

The good news for Casper is that since he’s 4 years older than Chloe, he’s still the captain of the children’s table and so the last bit of sparkling apple cider STILL goes in his plastic sippy cup. The bad news is that since there’s another thirsty mouth at the children’s table, there won’t be any leftover sparkling apple cider anymore. Damn you, Skeletor! You ruin everything.

No, This Didn’t Already Happen

Here I was thinking that Panthor already mourned the divorce of the Dark Hemisphere’s first couple, but nope! Skeletor and JLo are legally still married, but he officially filed a do not resuscitate order for his dying marriage in Los Angeles Superior Court yesterday. That’s your cue to hand Panthor a crying cloth, because he’s going to be a mess all day.

People says that Skeletor (born name: Marco Antonio Muñiz) checked “irreconcilable differences” as the reason why his marriage died like JLo’s vocal cords when she tries to hit a high note. Skeletor doesn’t want to pay spousal support and is asking the court to give him joint custody of the 4-year-old Dragon Tales Twins.

This will be Skeletor’s second divorce and JLo’s (drum roll, fire up the glitter cannons….) THIRD!

JLo’s left ring finger will turn green and fall off if she doesn’t have a wedded cock ring on it all times, so I’m sure that at this very second Casper Smart is at Friar Tux’s toddler department getting fitted for a tuxedo onesie and a ruffled diaper. JLo will marry that baby. This only bothers me, because that means JLo will be one failed marriage closer to taking over Elizabeth Taylor’s record! Larry King can still get married, right? That means necrophilia marriage isn’t completely illegal in California. Somebody please marry Elizabeth Taylor’s grave, so she can hold on to the record FOREVER!

This Is Awkward

Valentine’s Day is already a disgusting, vomit-inducing, eye-rolling holiday of grossness and JLo decided to take it to the next sucio level by Tweeting this picture of her and her bought-and-paid piece Casper Smart to her almost 5 million followers. JLo’s delusional ass thought she was giving her followers the perfect portrait of real love, but this is anything but. AWKWARD is one word that just farted out of my brain. This is the moment when JLo looked down and realized that her leased boy toy has her ex-‘s face tattooed on his arm.

If I direct my ear toward Eternia, I can pretty much hear Marc Anthony cackling from the top of Castle Grayskull over this shit. Skeletor will forever haunt you, JLo! When you hug your piece in his crib after he’s had a scary nightmare about getting suffocated between two Puerto Rican warthogs, it’s Skeletor’s face you’ll see. When you gently put a SpongeBob SquarePants Band-Aid on his arm after he gets his first tetanus shot, it’s Skeletor eyes who will be mocking you from Casper’s arm. You will never escape Skeletor!

The Daily Mail says that JLo quickly took the picture down and I’m guessing it’s because she saw what we’re all seeing. I bet that right after she pulled it down, she pulled Casper to the nearest toddler tattoo parlor to get Skeletor’s face off of his arm. It’s an easy fix. Just throw a wig on that skeleton’s face, ink two dollar signs into its eyes and you can call it a JLo tattoo.

And I’m actually surprised that JLo posted her first posed photo with Casper on Twitter for free. JLo was paid a shit load of money to pose with the Dragon Tales Twins on People Magazine, so one would think that she’d do the same thing with her newest child. Oh, JLabuela, love is changing you.

Skeletor Wants Full Custody Of The Dragon Tales Twins

The sound of a high-pitched, virgin blood-curdling wailing poured out of Castle Grayskull on the day that pictures came out of JLo’s hobbit whore playing with her children in Hawaii and so it’s no surprise that Skeletor wants REVENGE! The easiest way to destroy JLo would be to switch the things she loves most (see: her diamonds) with cheap rhinestones since the bitch can’t start her day until she sniffs the luxury fumes off of them while telling them how much they mean to her, but Skeletor thinks he has a better idea. Skeletor is going after (cue up lightning bolt sound effect) THE CHILDREN!!!!

Some source tells UsWeekly that Skeletor and JLo’s child custody negotiations were going smoothly until he found out that her 24-year-old piece has been hanging around the kids. Skeletor is thinking about going against everything he promised to ruin that bitch. The source said, “He wants to make Jennifer suffer because she’s having fun with someone new, and he knows this will hurt her on the deepest level.”

Um. If JLo was a pool, she’d be all shallow end, so I don’t know where the source is going with this “deepest level” shit. There’s two levels in JLo’s soul: the first is MONEY and the second is MEEEEEE! There’s no basement. But Skeletor still shouldn’t go through with this. If he takes the Dragon Tales Twins away, who is JLo going to whore out in a magazine spread when she needs some quick attention? Without any kids to whore out, she’ll want to make some new ones with that Casper Smart troll. She’ll hire a team of scientists to speed up Casper’s puberty and make his balls drop so he can start churning the sperm out. Then they’ll start spawning! Can you imagine what their babies would look like? I’m sure you just did and the image that terrorized your head looked a lot like Griphook with a pacifier in his mouth. So please, Skeletor, don’t do this. Don’t do this for humanity’s sake!