The PR person who wrote Justin Bieber’s apology statement for that racist joke video should’ve saved themselves a lot of time and waited until this second mess of a video came out, so they could issue a statement that read: “I quit this bitch. I can’t with that gutter turd anymore.”
The Sun (via NYDN), who threw up the first video of 15-year-old Justin Bieber dribbling out a stupid racist joke, claims they have another video of the wet dick dingle changing the words to his 2009 hit song “One Less Lonely Girl” to “One Less Lonely Nigger” and then he goes on to yodel about joining the KKK as some piece of trash (probably his mom) cackles in the background. If Mississippi Burning was a shitty pop musical, that song would be the Act 1 finale. Some random source told The Sun:
“Unfortunately this is the devastating reality of how Justin has behaved and reveals his attitude toward such a deeply emotive subject. People need to see this. Normal kids in society do not make these kind of jokes. He is protected by a network of staff, but the camera doesn’t lie. This is the real Justin.”
The Sun hasn’t posted the video yet, because they’re either waiting for Justin Bieber to pass them a check with a lot of zeroes on it or they’re waiting to post it on Canada Day so Canadians can toast to the pride of their country! The Sun also didn’t say when the video was shot, but it was obviously shot sometime after “One Less Lonely Girl,” which Usher co-wrote, was recorded.
And what’s next? A video of Bieber throwing rocks at black kids with Marky Mark? A video of Bieber and Donald Sterling pissing on a picture of Magic Johnson together? Audio of Bieber and Paula Deen planning a plantation-themed rave?
I would go to Twatter and laugh at the Beliebers defending this butt worm, but laughs quickly turn into cries about the future when you read one too many “But BIEBZ iz prackteckully black sense 98% of hiz friends r blacK!” comments.
You know what really shouldn’t be a thing? Those short Moe Howard bangs.
Lily Allen was awarded the Feminist of the Century award on International Women’s Day after she supposedly told Shortlist that she doesn’t understand why feminism still exists since women and men are equal now! If your brain needs a brush up on the foolery that came out of Lily’s mouth, here’s a couple of quotes:
“Feminism. I hate that word because it shouldn’t even be a thing anymore. We’re all equal, everyone is equal. Why is there even a conversation about feminism? What’s the man version of feminism? There isn’t even a word for it. Menanism. Male-ism. It doesn’t exist.
I don’t think men are the enemy. I think women are the enemy. I know that when I’m sitting in a restaurant and a really beautiful woman walks in, who’s skinny, I instinctively think, ‘Oh, she’s really skinny and beautiful and I’m really fat and ugly.’ So it’s more of a competitive thing. It’s weird. It’s just really unhealthy and we’re our own worst enemy.”
When a writer for Holy Moly called her out in a post, Lily found the writer on Twitter and screamed that she was misquoted and her words were Sarah Palinized before they were published in the issue of Shortlist that she guest edited (Good job at editing, Lily!). Lily was misquoted, but she’s used to it since she’s always misquoted! How very Kanye of her. In a series of tweets, Lily spit this out:
I deal with sexism and misogyny every day, I’m patronised on an hourly basis, so excuse me if your article has fucked me off. They weren’t my words, you interpreted them wrongly and SHORTLIST misquoted me. I do 20 interviews a day. I’m misquoted in nearly all of them.
If Lily’s words are turned around in almost every interview she does, she should try something knew. She should turn on the opposite switch in her brain and say the opposite of what she means. If she’s a feminist, she should tell the interviewer that she’s a proud misogynist and hates all women, so they’ll quote her as saying, “I am a feminist!” But Lily’s mouth always squirts out a geyser of fuckery, so I don’t think she was totally misquoted. She probably doesn’t remember the words that came out of her ass during that interview, because her brain was operating on the wrong kind of bad shit. And yes, I’m sure she was also on the wrong stuff when she chose to wear her bangs like that. Looking like Pebbles Flinstone got crazy with a pair of safety scissors.
At the Producers Guild Awards in Beverly Hills last night, Chuck Lorre, the evil doer who’s responsible for torturing us with shit like Two and a Half Men, told the audience that at the Golden Globes last week he pissed next to Ben Affleck in the men’s bathroom and he can confirm that he looks at other dudes’ peens while he’s pissing next to them and Ben’s dick is big enough to fill Batman’s codpiece. E! News says that while accepting an award last night, Chuck Lorre still had Affdick on his mind:
“Yes I peeked. And yes, Comic Con, he can play Batman.”
At the end of the show, Ben went onstage to present Best Picture (it was a tie, Gravity and 12 Years A Slave both won) and he brought up the subject of his huge dick. Ben said that it’s true, his peen could probably come out on top in a tag team fight between the Hammaconda and the Fassdong.
“I want to thank someone tonight. Evidentially, I was in the bar briefly and I came back to my seat and someone said, ‘You know there was a guy on stage who said you have a big dick. I was like, ‘You know? Isn’t that always how it goes. The one time it happens, I miss it.’ Thank you very much. Whoever you are God bless you. I’m often confused with Matt Damon but rarely with Michael Fassbender, so it’s a nice change.”
Normally, I’d channel the spirit of Nippy by screaming, “SHOW ME THE RECEIPTS, DIANE,” but I sort of believe that Ben Affleck’s got a huge dick that could bust your sugar walls. It would explain why Blake NotSoLively talked like her jaw was broken in The Town. I know Blake’s always like that, but it was extra in The Town. And since Zack Snyder cast Ben Affleck as Batman, he obviously wants a Batman who is extra stiff and devoid of personality. What I’m saying is that Ben Affleck’s supposedly huge dick should play Batman instead.
I’ve heard of fucking for tracks, but I don’t think I’ve ever heard of sucking to get someone else’s track to the top.
Lady CaCa announced on Twitter the other day that a lucky Little Monster will be her guest to the iTunes Festival in London and all her crazy ass fans have to do is tweet her a screenshot of proof that they bought her new single “Applause” on iTunes. CaCa then made her Little Monsters sell their entire lives by telling them that they’ll have a bigger chance at winning her shameless contest if they buy several copies of her single. Obviously, that bitch is trying to get “Applause” to #1.
Since Lady CaCa’s Little Monsters are nuts, I’m sure some of them have sold their baby brothers and sisters in Walmart parkings lots, ended up in a tub of ice after selling some of their internal organs on the black market and have taken out a second mortgage on their parents’ house to buy as many copies of “Applause” as possible. And as Canada.com points out, some Little Monsters are selling their mouths on Craigslist for an iTunes receipt. Those ads are probably fake, but I honestly wouldn’t put it past those Little Monsters. They’ll suck dick to get “Applause” to the top and they don’t even care if they get THE CLAP. Sucio sluts. But you know, I think I speak for all of us when I say that we’ve sucked peen for a lot less than $1.29.
And I do love that the Little Monster who left that Craigslist ad above offered up a recession special for those who can’t afford a $1.29 blow job IN THIS ECONOMY. Here’s another “suck 4 Applause” ad:
The Little Monsters’ suck-a-thon is totally working and by “totally working” I mean not working at all. “Applause” is #3 below “Blurred Lines” and “Roar” on iTunes. But keep sucking, Little Monsters!
And here’s Lady CaCa leaving Chateau Marmont today while looking like she just sucked off all the Care Bears for iTunes receipts.
Just a little over a week after America voted Obama in for another four years, we now know the results to an even more important contest: Channing Tatum IS the Sexiest Man ALIVE! Surprise, surprise. I guess this is People’s way of telling us that all the other white men died.
The big difference between last week’s contest and this week’s contest, besides this one being more important, of course, is that those dictators at People Magazine didn’t even let us vote, really. They didn’t even take our thoughts (or genitals) into consideration. Whoever’s publicist offered up the biggest promise got the title. That title is bought! (“Um, so is the title of President, Michael” – my Republican auntie at Thanksgiving dinner as I try to suffocate myself on a canned cranberry log)
To me, Channing Tatum looks like a stale loaf of Wonder Bread, but he’s a stale loaf of Wonder Bread who can really twerk his crust off to Pony, he’s everywhere and he seems nice. Channing looks like a caveman, but he’s the kind of caveman who’d wink at you before he clubs you over the skull and drags you off to his man cave. Channing tells People that he told his wife about his new title while the two pinched their dogs’ anal glands in the tub:
“My first thought was, ‘Y’all are messing with me,'” says Tatum, who married actress Jenna Dewan-Tatum in 2009. “I told Jenna after we’d been in the bathtub washing our dogs because they’d gotten skunked.”
Says the actor: “She was like, ‘What?'”
“Yeah, she calls me [the Sexiest Man Alive] now,” he adds. And who can blame her?
The only way I’d completely agree with that cover is if Carrot Top was the star of it, but I still love what People did there. When I first saw it this morning, I read the words “The Women Inside The Petraeus Scandal” and then looked at that picture of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. It was so right. I mean, the Biebs is a threat to security.
The mutant testicle that was once attached to The Gingerbread Man’s crotch said on Fox & Friends the other day that he will drop a huge October Surprise on Wednesday that may change the election and screw with Obama. Melania Trump is also bracing herself for a different kind of October Surprise, because the only time Donald Trump actually cums is when he thinks he’s got some dirt on Obama.
Everyone figured that Trump was just going to squat out another empty fart about Obama’s birth certificate, but Radar thinks it’s something else. Radar says that some dude approached people close to Romney’s campaign and offered them information from Obama’s college days. The dude claims to have known Obama in college and says that back then the president closely studied foreign relations by snorting the Colombian good shit. The dude also claims that Obama sold cocaine. I guess you gotta pay off those student loans somehow.
The Romney campaign shooed the dude away, because they didn’t want that information coming from them. The dude is willing to take a polygraph, but so far nobody is interested in his story. Radar’s source explained it like this:
“At first he wanted to do a book. But there just wasn’t enough time before the election. The people he is involved with have produced other credible information that is damaging to national Democratic figures in the past few years.
The operatives close to the Romney campaign believed the man’s story would be the ultimate October Surprise but they got nowhere. People who would have taken the information to the highest levels of Romney’s campaign just wouldn’t touch it. They don’t want their candidate smeared with this type of activity.”
So the dude might’ve dropped this not-so-scandalous information into Donald Trump’s lap and now Trump is planning to use it. But just like what a stick of dynamite did right before the picture above was taken, this October Surprise will blow up in his face. Calling Obama a cokehead will lead to Obama winning the coveted Lindsay Lohan vote, which will lead to him winning the entire election! Chop this election up into 3 neat lines and snort it up with Obama, because it’s done.
And I really hope that rogue hair on the left eventually got away from Trump’s head.