Reese Witherspoon And Ryan Phillippe’s Kids Don’t Want To Watch Their Parents Do It In “Cruel Intentions”

You can file this under: Duh, No Shit, and Oh Lord Where’s The Bleach I Need To Wipe This Mental Image From My Brain, because really – I can’t think of anyone who would want to watch their parents hump on each other, even if it’s just for pretend. In the eyes of a person watching their parents do sex, a pretend hump is just as unsettling as the real thing.

During a recent appearance on Watch What Happens Live, Reese Witherspoon admitted that Ava and Deacon Phillippe, the kids she made with her former husband Ryan Phillippe, have no interest in watching any movie starring Oscar-winning AMERICAN CITIZEN Reese Witherspoon. But they especially have no interest in watching their mom lose her pretend virginity to their dad in Cruel Intentions.

“They don’t have any interest in seeing me in movies. It’s weird for them. They’re like, ‘This is so weird!’ And especially seeing me and their dad having sex. It’s so weird. Not interested. They have this Cruel Intentions play in L.A. that’s like a musical. So I was going to take them to that. But they haven’t seen [the movie].”

Reese and Ryan’s kids are 15 and 11-years-old now (this just in: all our bones simultaneously turned to dust, because we are OLD), which means Netflix is bound to suggest that delicious piece of trash to them eventually. And it’s sad they’ll never watch it, because watching Sarah Michelle Gellar serving up 8 layers of bitchy slut for two hours is truly an experience. Maybe someone could re-cut Cruel Intentions in a way that makes it seem like Reese and Ryan are just friends? Or just delete their scenes entirely and make it exclusively about SMG. Where’s the Kickstarter for that? I have $10 and I would like to see that happen!

Ryan Phillippe Claims He’s Passing For Much Younger Than He Really Is

The second-stage Pokemon evolution of Channing Tatum, Ryan Phillippe, recently did an interview with Variety, and apropos of nothing, they brought up the fact that he’s 40 now. I guess because Variety wants us all to feel old by thinking about the dude from I Know What You Did Last Summer blowing out 40 candles on his birthday cake or something. But apparently being 40 doesn’t affect him at all, because according to Ryan Phillippe, Ryan Phillippe still passes for a teenager and sometimes for Ava Phillippe’s older brother.

“It’s crazy. And still, I get carded constantly. My daughter hates it, because sometimes people have thought I’m her brother, and she’s freaked out by that.”

Even a deluded trick like Kris Jenner, who’s been desperately working a 4th Kardashian sister game for years now, is like “Sure, Jan.”

But where are these magical liquor stores in Los Angeles that don’t know who Hollywood movie star Ryan Phillippe is? Even if you did know who he was, but wasn’t sure how old he was, all you have to do is reach for a copy of Cruel Intentions from the DVD rack (there’s always a copy of Cruel Intentions for sale on the DVD rack at the liquor store) and realize that shit came out in 1999. And unless the part of Sebastian Valmont was played by a mature-looking fetus, he’s definitely old enough to buy booze.

Feel free to judge for yourself, though. Here’s Ryan leaving a club last week, and sure, he sort of looks young-ish, but dressing in Justin Bieber drag will do that to a person.

Pics: Splash

Ryan Phillippe Has Only Made 5 Good Movies, Says Ryan Phillippe

Ryan Phillippe, seen above in all his panty-dampening ramen-haired glory in 54 (which I presume is not one of the 5 good movies he’s talking about) recently spoke to the Los Angeles Times (via Us Weekly) about his new film Catch Hell, a movie he co-wrote, directed, and stars in as a washed-up actor named Reagan Pierce (oh boy) who gets kidnapped by a pair of rednecks one day on set. Ryan confessed that the character of Reagan was inspired by his own career, one that he admits has been pretty dookie-filled:

“I did this terrible movie with 50 Cent,” he told me, referring to the 2011 heist flick “Setup” — which as far as I can tell, was never even released theatrically. “It was just a situation I didn’t want to be in. I was sold a bill of goods and it turned out to be something different, which is often the case in this business. I’ve made 30-plus films over 20 years. And in my opinion, five of them are good.”

I’m sorry, but acting along side noted thespian 50 Cent is a PRIVILEGE! Ryan should be so lucky! Besides, getting paid a couple hundred thousand to show up and burp out some lines for a direct-to-DVD movie starring 50 Cent sounds like he’s living the dream. And I bet he still gets that sweet Laura Jean Poon AMERICAN CITIZEN child support money. Jealous!

Ryan never mentions what his 5 ‘good’ films are, but let’s hop over to his IMDB page and see if we can’t figure out what 5 movies he’s talking about. Clearly MacGruber is #1. White Squal is both #2 and #3. I’ve never seen Five Fingers, but it sounds hot, so that’s #4. And I’d say that 54 is #5, because anyone who could act opposite Mike Myers in low-budget drowsy-faced Steve Rubell drag without bursting out laughing truly deserves an Oscar.

Panty Creamer Of The Day: Ryan Phillippe Takes His Nipples For A Walk In Miami

Here’s the former Mr. Laura Jeanne “AMERICAN CITIZEN” Poon struttin’ his ass and nipples on the beach in Miami where he’s on vacation with his 23-year-old fiancé Paulina Slagter (with a last name like SLAGter, she must’ve had it good in junior high) who looks like she used to be a sperm fish about 5 seconds ago. But luckily for her ass, Ryan Phillippe likes them looking like a fetus and now she gets to get on the former twink who almost every gay fapped to in that messy Studio 54 movie.

Ryan Phillippe reminds me of those pretty-faced white twinks who wanted to shed their pretty-faced white twink image so they got a bunch of muscles and tattoos to butch up their look. We had one of those in my neighborhood growing up and his ass would even draw a teardrop tattoo on his cheek with a Sharpie, because he once went directly to jail during a game of Monopoly and that totally counts. He also made everyone call him Jax, because you know Jax is a totally butch name.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that Ryan is 39 and even though his head looks like it’s eating his eyes, he’s still got that panty pudding-inducing touch.

Pics: Splash

Orlando Bloom And Ashton Kutcher Make An Appearance On Lindsay Lohan’s List Of Famous Slam Pieces

Lindsay Lohan is a coke-infused snot bubble of insufferableness and delusion, and she’s about as tolerable and pleasant as a spiked dildo, but last week I stood up and clapped for her slut game when InTouch Weekly published a list of some of the famous dicks she’s supposedly taken a ride on. What’s the point of being famous if you’re not going to fuck a bunch of hot famous people? If you’re famous and don’t say, “Yeah, I’ve sucked that dick,” about every other presenter while watching the Golden Globes, you’re doing “being famous” wrong. The celebrity guest list for LiLo’s freckled cooch included hot pieces like Zac Efron (HA!), Justin Timberlake and Jamie Dornan. All three of those dudes have since overdosed with shame, said goodbye to public life and are now living in a monastery. They’ll never be heard from again. Well, they might get some company at the monastery, because in this week’s InTouch Weekly they squirted out even more names from the fuck list that LiLo supposedly made while boozing with friends in the bar at The Beverly Hills Hotel last January.

The second round of “Whose peen has paid a visit to Lindsay Lohan’s crackie cooch?” includes Ashton Kutcher, Ryan Phillippe, Starving Nachos (Wonky McValtrex’s ex), Danny Cipriani (English rugby player and Kelly Brook’s ex), Maggio Cipriani (heir to the Cipriani restaurant empire), Benicio Del Toro, Aaron Voros (hockey player who used to play for the New York Rangers), Orlando “Orli” Bloom, Brian@GPH (whatever that means), Josh Mond (movie producer), Riley S (whoever that is) and Petey Wright (model). Wilmer Valderrama AND Ashton Kutcher? If Topher Grace and Danny Masterson’s names aren’t under those blurred bars, they’re going to feel so left out, or relieved that they aren’t on the CDC’s “Sluts To Watch” list.

InTouch plans to release more names next week, but let’s all guess! I’m going to guess the rest of names are: SamRo, Charlie Sheen, Gerard Butler, Larry King, Richard Burton’s corpse (it was for research!), the tit-chewing dog from Mean Girls and Herbie the Love Bug.

Ryan Phillippe Might Be A Daddy Again

Ryan Phillippe has no idea if he is the father of Alexis Knapp’s baby, but he was still at her side in the delivery room at Cedars-Sinai on Friday when she birthed out a son she called Kai. Ryan could’ve asked for her DNA test Kai was just a fetus, but apparently he didn’t want to complicate Alexis’ pregnancy. You could say that Ryan is a responsible and upstanding man or you could say that he’s got nothing else to do and had Maury’s “You Are Not The Father” marching band on the sidelines in case her baby came out black.

A source tells People that that if Ryan is Kai’s father, he’s all ready to write a monthly check and help Alexis take care of their baby. No word yet on when the DNA test will take place. Ryan and Alexis should know that there’s a simple way of knowing if Kai is his. If Kai’s first coo sounds a lot like a slow motion duuuuuuuuuh, then Ryan is his father! Now on to more important matter: like the baby’s name!

The truth is, I like Alexis Knapp for three reasons: She’s sophisticated enough to know that a white satin bra goes with everything, she’s a strong supporter of the 90s black headband and she opens her mouth around any vanilla snake. The latter is something EVERYBODY should do. If it’s long and slithers, open your mouth! There’s a chance that snake could be attached to Ryan Phillippe. And yes, there’s also a chance that snake could bite your tongue and leave you paralyzed from the neck up, but life is about taking chances!

With that being said, the name Kai is disappointing. Alexis’ last name is Knapp so the possibilities of an amazing baby name were fucking endless. When life hands you the last name “Knapp,” you have to do everyone a favor by naming your first born something like Disco Knapp or Cat Knapp or Ginger S. Knapp….(I’ll be doing this all day, by the way.)