Eyes That Only A Cucumber Could Love

Okay, that headline is not entirely true or fair. Yes, cucumbers would love to gently lay on top of Vince Vaughn’s swollen stuffed bags and soothe them until they no longer look like miniature versions of Lisa Rinna’s anal gland lips, but we can all learn to love them. If you look at them through permanent perverted eyes (aka my eyes) and access the part of your imagination that’s run by your genitals, Vince Vaughn’s double carry-on eye bags sort of, kind of look like tiny crooked labias! If you look at ’em that way, then you will definitely love them. How can you not love labia eye bags?

If you sat on his peen and stuck your tongue between his under eye pussy bags, it would be like having a simplified bi-sexual threesome! And you don’t have to worry about an extra pair of legs kicking you in the head. I bet there’s a little cream in between there, so it would be like eating the real thing! Since I put it that way, right?

Here’s more of Labia Eyes Vaughn at last night’s Chrysalis Butterfly Ball in L.A. with: Ashley Greene, Meadow Soprano, Jennifer Garner, Olivia Wilde, Noxzema Girl, McSteamy, Brad from The Chupa Zoe Project, Sienna Miller’s ex-whore with his wife, a midget lesbian in drag as Steve Buscemi and Ryan Phillippe.

Ryan Phillippe Is Ready To Retire From Acting

Yeah, I wasn’t aware that Ryan Phillippe ever really started acting, but that doesn’t really matter now.

Ryan started his career playing openly gay teenager Billy Douglas on One Life To Live and since that soap opera is about to enter the graveyard, he sees no need to go on! No, I made that reason up. Ryan tells Page Six that the glare of the paparazzi’s flash is starting to itch at his skin, so he’s looking to retire from acting and spend more time behind the camera instead:

“It’s so hard to go out in LA. I’m going to move. I’m going to spend a third of my year in New York…. I think I’m going to end my acting career. I’m so introverted. I’m ready to be behind the scenes. I’m 36, but I’ve been doing this for 20 years.

I’m a good guy. I’m not that guy you read about.”

But Ryan’s rep says that his words have been twisted and the most famous graduate of Keanu Reeves’ Night School of Monotone Delivery isn’t quitting acting entirely. I hope the rep is speaking the truth. Because if they aren’t, then we will also have to retire the work of Shakespeare as well, because Ryan is really the only living actor who is capable of handling such poetry. Well, until Justin Bieber gets serious about his acting career anyway.

Ryan Phillippe Is Paying The Maybe Mother Of His Baby

We won’t know if the tiny human in Alexis Knapp’s womb has genes that will give he or she curly golden hair, a natural six-pack and a voice duller than a sloth’s cum shot until he or she undergoes a Maury Povich special after slipping down the vagina slide. Sources close to Alexis say that she’s pretty sure her unborn baby was made with Ryan Phillippe’s sperm fishes. Ryan wants to take a DNA test before he starts writing Alexis a child support check every single month. But TMZ says that even though Ryan is still months away from seeing the receipts, he’s still helping Alexis pay her bills while she’s got her swole feet on the ottoman and can’t work.

The deal was that Alexis would keep her lips closed to the media if Ryan impregnated her checking account with a bundle of cash every single week.

At first, the sight of Alexis Knapp made me want to take a damn nap, but I’m beginning to appreciate her gold digging style. There’s plenty of women out there who work right until the baby’s head is pushing them out of their desk chair. When their water breaks, they use that shit to wet the stamps on some business letters they have to send. And when they can’t hold on anymore, they politely take a 15-minute break and pop that baby out in the bathroom before clocking back in with a few minutes to spare. But Alexis can’t work. I know she’s a model, but the JCPenney catalog does have a maternity section, thankyouverymuch.

With all that being said, if Ryan’s dumb ass is paying, why work? If the baby isn’t Ryan’s and he asks for his money back, Alexis should just say, “What money?” and then distract him with a shiny object. Ryan’s got the Herp Derps in a bad way so he’d fall for it.

And here’s Ryan with his on-and-off fuck buddy Amanda Seyfried taking his dog for a walk in L.A. yesterday afternoon.

Ryan Phillippe And This Chick Might Have Made A Baby Together

We’re going to need to miniaturize Maury Povich and send him skipping up this woman’s vagina to DNA test the baby in her womb to see if he or she was made with the seed of Sebastian Valmont. Because somebody close to model-actress Alexis Knapp is whispering into UsWeekly’s ear that the father of her unborn baby might be Ryan Phillipe. I guess Alexis never got the memo that in these times we live in, the hos of Hollywood need to put Gary Busey stickers (a Buseycrow if you will) on their ovaries if they don’t want to turn their chichis into Venti leche bags in 9 months.

Apparently, Ryan and Alexis bumped on each other’s parts before he got with Amanda Seyfried and shit got serious. The source explains, “She’s in the second trimester. Ryan doesn’t know if he is the dad. If he is, he will take full responsibility for the child. He and Alexis were actually together for a while…It was pretty serious. If this kid is his. He will do the right thing.”

If Ryan IS THE FATHER, this will make him a third time DILF.

If Ryan’s personality was a breakfast food, it would be a Styrofoam bowl of oatmeal and cold tap water. That said, you know we’d all bounce on that shit so hard that the condom would come flying out of our mouths. But a condom would still be involved! What is wrong with these whores?! However, part of me can’t blame Alexis since getting knocked up is how you get a blurb in People these days. And the other part of me can’t blame Alexis for anything she does because she’s wearing a black headband usually seen on the member of a girl group circa 1991. Black fabric headband = free pass

(Image via Pacific Coast News)

Kay McCabe Gives Me Fever

My skin is almost the same shade as Matthew McConaughey’s after laying my eyeballs on these pictures of his mother Kay McCabe raising her dress (from Coldwater Creek’s Freak in the Streets Collection) and flashing her nude chonies at the Hollywood premiere of Abraham Lincoln Log Lawyer (or whatever the hell that shit is called) last night. Sometimes when there’s not a subway grate around for you to stand over, you have to create your own Some Like It Hot moment. The best part is that Kay served up her goodies while posing next to her son Rooster. Rooster is like, “Cock-a-doodle-don’t, mom!” But thank the hell she cock-a-doodle-did, because Kay definitely brought the heat. If this is what happens when you mix Metamucil and Four Loko, serve it to all of our grannies and grandpas!

A little warning though: you might want to cut eye holes in a fireproof blanket and throw it over your head before looking at all these pictures of Kay. Because if you don’t, the fire blowing off of Kay’s legs will leave you with the complexion of burnt Indian clay like Matthew McConaughey, and now me.

And believe it or not, other people actually showed up to last night’s premiere even though Kay is really the one who matters. In order-ish: Matthew McGreasyhey, Camila Alves, Frances Fisher, Miss Kay with Rooster and Ryan Phillipe.

Ryan Phillippe & RiRi Are Doing It After All

Will UsWeekly make up their damn minds?! One minute, they’re out screaming that RiRi yodeled out “Oh no no” when Ryan Phillippe offered to take her on a magic peen ride. But now they’re saying that Ryan did in fact earn a small fry from McDonald’s by getting his super sized freak on with Ronald’s sister from another mister RiRi. AND a few days ago Star Magazine flapped their shit about how Ryan and Amanda Seyfried are still going at it. We get it! Ryan’s A WHORE!

One source told UsWeekly that Ryan tried to get into RiRi’s Barbadian triangle over a week ago, but she wasn’t having it. However, a different source says that RiRi did take Ryan’s invitation and it wasn’t the first time. The source, who has obviously smelled Ryan’s saliva on RiRi’s crotch, said this: “She thinks he’s hot. They totally had sex. And it wasn’t even the first time! They initially hooked up when things were strained with [Rihanna’s ex] Matt Kemp back in early December.”

Seriously, I haven’t thought about Ryan Phillippe’s sex life this much since a few minutes ago when I Googled “Ryan Phillippe Naked.” But the time before that was when one of my friends said that Ryan must give good lady head since he mumbles like his jaw is operated by a lazy hamster. Apparently, mumblers know how to nibble. I don’t know. But it would explain why RiRi’s been twerking her crotch like her clit’s got the vapors.