La Toya Trades In Her Detective Monocle For A Pimp Cane

Since Detective La Toya has officially gotten to the BOTTOM OF EVERYTHING and single-handedly put Michael Jackson’s shady ass doctor in prison (Side note: I shouldn’t say single-handedly, because I’m pretty sure the Watson to her Sherlock, Bubbles, helped out by polishing her monocle at least once), her crime-solving days are over and now she can focus on a new career: pimping out MJ’s kids for a quick check.

Page Six says that La Toya must’ve inherited Joe Jackson’s talent at pimping (minus that whole “beating with a switch” thing), because she’s managing the “careers” of Michael Jackson’s kids and is getting them gigs. Auntie Toy Toy started a managing company called Jai-Tail Enterprises and right now the Jackson kids are her only clients. In just a few weeks, Auntie Toy Toy got 16-year-old Prince Michael a correspondent job on Entertainment Tonight and a guest starring role on the now-canceled 90210. Only the best and A-listiest gigs for Prince Michael! 15-year-old Paris Jackson recently booked a role in a movie, which starts filming in London later this year.

But all of those gigs are small time compared to the $10 million reality show deal that La Toya is working on right now. A source says that La Toya is out there selling a reality show starring the Jackson kids and Katherine Jackson. OWN is interested in the show and if La Toya closes the deal, she’ll get 15% commission of that $10 million. The source says that the Jackson kids trust Auntie Toy Toy, because while their other aunts and uncles were kidnapping their memaw, she took them into the corner and whispered into their ears, “Stick with me kids and I’ll make you STAHS!“

“She pounced while everyone else was making a lot of useless noise. It was her smoke screen, and she got it done. She told them how she knew [Michael] better than anybody else, and she knew he’d want them to follow their dreams; and because they were his children, they could be media and entertainment moguls. She had a blueprint. She sold it, and they bought it.

Prince wasn’t exactly eager to do ET, but could you tell? When the money is on the line, Toya is going to cash in. I wouldn’t bet against her.”

You can say that Michael Jackson is probably moonwalking in his grave over the thought of his kids tap dancing for a check under the spotlight, but I doubt he is (he totally is). Michael Jackson trusts Auntie Toy Toy and knows that if anybody can whore his kids out with class, it’s her. Toy Toy is obviously proving MJ right by turning Prince Michael into a glorified Billy Bush and getting him a role on the #1,687 show in the country 90210.

And Auntie Toy Toy’s job as the Jackson kid’s manager isn’t complete until she gets Blanket Jackson a job as the new face of Salon Selectives. I mean, with a luxurious mane like that.

Sweet Brown Makes Her Local Commercial Debut!

Former HSOTD, internet superstar and bronchitis’ #1 hater (but aren’t we all?) Sweet Brown has finally made her TV debut in a commercial for a dentist’s office that is only airing in Oklahoma. This is just the beginning, soon we’ll be seeing Sweet Brown say her catchphrases for commercials for everything from a colonic center (“I got constipation! Ain’t nobody got time for that!”) to the free clinic (“I said ‘Lord Jesus, it’s the clap.”)

And more importantly, why didn’t this commercial play during the Super Bowl?!

via Queerty

Elin Nordegren Really Is A Genius

When Elin Nordegren looks at the balance on her ATM receipt, more than half-a-dozen zeroes look back at her and sometimes it gets boring looking at all those zeroes. Sometimes you want to see even more zeroes. You want the zeroes to fall off the page and shit. The only thing better than having a checking account full of millions of dollars is having a checking account full of even MORE millions of dollars. And that’s what my idol and life icon is going to make happen.

After Elin’s marriage to Tiger Woods drowned in a pool side snatch syrup, she got $110 million in the divorce settlement in 2010. Since then Elin has been using her millions to build her Florida dream mansion, and she dated an American billionaire for a while. I guess that didn’t work out, because The National Enquirer (via The Sun) says that Elin is back to riding Tiger and he’s trying to get her to marry his ass once again. A source says that Tiger proposed to Elin during the holidays and gave her a wedding ring. Tiger is so hard up for Elin to wear the ring that he promised to put an anti-cheating clause in their prenup that states he’ll give her $350 million, more than half of his fortune, if he cheats. The source said:

“Tiger didn’t even balk at the demand. Even though his accountants think he’s crazy, he’s ready to sign the pre-nup and set a wedding date. The guy has never recovered from being dumped by Elin. He’s dated a lot of models and bimbos but none of them were more than a one-night stand.”

This is from The Enquirer via The Sun, so this shit is probably about as truthful as an OKCupid profile, but I still need it to be true, because I need to believe that Elin Nordegren is the Swedish goddess of gold diggers. If it is true, then Tiger Woods must think that Elin’s vagine is the gold luck charm he needs to start winning again. It will be the easiest $350 million Elin has ever made. Six seconds after that marriage certificate is signed, Elin just has to put a random coochie in front of his face and as he breaks that anti-cheating clause, she’ll get on the phone with her contractor to tell him that he can go ahead and encrust the bottom of her pool with diamonds and paint her entire house in liquid platinum.

You’ve Got To Pay To Party With Lindsay Lohan

Why anyone would want to party with Lindsay Lohan, let alone pay for it, is beyond me. Bitch will drink your entire supply of booze, snatch your wallet, clog up all the toilets and say goodbye by punching you in the face. Bitch kills a party faster than an angry drunk abuelita with diarrhea. But the third in line to the throne of Brunei did pay Lindsay Lohan to show up to his party in London. Prince Azim could’ve lured LiLo to his party by leaving a trail of jooree, bottles of Popov vodka and generic Adderall from NYC to London, but I guess he loves wasting money, because he paid her $100,000.

White Oprah tells Huffington Post that LiLo didn’t go to London to enter the Celebrity Big Brother house with other A-listers like Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt and (insert the name of a bunch of British never-wases here).  LiLo went to London, because the Prince of Brunei dialed up Rent-A-Mess and summoned her there. Just like Mariah Carey and Raquel Welch before her, Lindsay Lohan was paid a shit load of money and had all her expenses taken care of by Prince Azim. Some source tells the NYDN that Prince Azim loves renting celebrities for his parties and since LiLo is hard up for a dollar, she took that check. For some reason the NYDN asked Michael Lohan about LiLo getting paid to party and he opened up his corroded pie hole to queef this out: “Now she’s getting paid for dates?” and Michael Lohan went on to say, “…and since I’m her co-pimp, bitch better have my cut.” 

Some people are laughing at LiLo’s newest act of desperation, but in all seriousness I think it’s a smart move. Lindsay Lohan got paid to be Lindsay Lohan. Prince Azim sat on this throne and clapped all gleefully as LiLo slapped his guests, deep-throated several bottles of Grey Goose, ran over a baby, made the bartender empty out the cash register and then gave the prince a half-assed hand job while re-tweeting a Winston Churchill quote. Bitch does that for free every single night, so I can’t hate on her for getting paid for it. That should be LiLo’s new career. Clowns and mariachi bands are out! If you want to make your next party a memorable experience, hire a cracked out jester.

Here’s LiLo showing off her new lips while waltzing into a restaurant in London the other night.

Just…A…Little…Further

Oh football, you disappoint us all. There you were – perfectly poised to pop Jennifer Lopez right in her smug face, something most of us can only dream of, and you just let her stop you?? Just like that?? That’s it football, we are FINISHED forever professionally. You disgust me. I hope someone kicked you hard for that.

So JLo and her son Casper Smart were at something called the Gasolina Celebrity Football Match in Puerto Rico and as much as it pains me to admit it, Jennifer is showing some skill instead of looking like a complete fool. Casper on the other hand can’t help it.

The pictures in the gallery capture truly beautiful moments, such as apocalyptic fart, slow Kojak, and AW MOM. I can’t believe these two are still together. Take notes Demi, the way to keep the way younger man is to make sure he’s a broke ass bitch that can never, ever leave your AmEx black card you. I would suggest that unlike Jennifer though, you find one worth keeping first.

Somebody’s Going To Marry Janice Dickinson

Gold diggers of the world, you now have a new icon to pay tribute to. Janice Dickinson is proving that you can never be too insane or plastic faced to catch a rich ass husband. Take note, Lindsay Lohan. The world’s first supermodel (the world being the bubble of craziness she lives in) tells TooFab that sometime next spring, she will become somebody’s wife for the fourth time and will become a doctor’s wife for the first time. Janice’s piece of a few months Dr. Robert Gerner, who has a cautious look on his face like he’s always prepared to be slapped with a silicone titty bag by a crazed banshee, gave her a diamond Victorian promise ring and he will give her a real engagement ring sometime soon.

Janice and Dr. Robert’s love started blooming a few months ago when they met on a blind date at Chateau Marmont. Janice said she knew right away that he’s the one whose life she wants to ruin and went on to say that “he’s the ying to my yang.” Janice and Dr. Robert recently bought a Hollywood Hills home together and they’re throwing a housewarming/engagement party this weekend. They’ve invited Kunty Karl (no joke), Donatella Versace (no joke), Sandra Bullock (no joke) and Slash (he’ll probably show up).

You’re probably assuming that Dr. Robert is a plastic surgeon, because he obviously appreciates a non biodegradable goddess who has been shellacked a thousand times over, but you’re wrong. The punchline is that Dr. Robert is a psychiatrist. I know, it’s almost as if Dr. Robert is an undercover agent for The Los Angeles County Department Of Mental Health and was hired to lure Janice Dickinson to their “new love nest in the Hollywood Hills” (aka Cedars Sinai Psychiatry Department). It’s a set up! Run, Janice, ruuuuuuuun (but not before you grab Dr. Robert’s empty prescription pad and all his samples of Xanax).

(Pic via Flickr)