Rosie O’Donnell Spends All Day Drinking Wine And Smoking Weed, According To Her Future Ex-Wife

Rosie O’Donnell’s dramatic custody battle with her soon-to-be ex-wife has recently hit a higher level of MESS, and it has everything to do with Rosie being a high mess. According to TMZ, Rosie’s future ex-wife Michelle Rounds – who is sort of giving me some serious Tami Taylor vibes in that picture – says she deserves sole custody of their 2-year-old daughter Dakota because Rosie is a wine-chugging pot head and a shit parent. I’m taking back that Tami Taylor comparison; Tami Taylor would never have a problem with someone guzzling wine.

Michelle claims Rosie drinks a bottle of wine almost every night, regularly smokes weed and eats weed-filled foods (sorry, I have a hard time calling them “edibles“, because it reminds me of Edna’s Edibles, and Mrs. Garrett would never!), and it’s getting in the way of her parenting. Michelle says Rosie is in her own world most of the time, which means the nannies end up making the decisions regarding her 5 kids. Michelle also accuses Rosie of letting her 19-year-old son throw parties and allows his underage friends to drink alcohol.

Of course, Rosie is hissing back that everything Michelle says is LIES because she’s a low-down dirty gold digger who is pissed off about the prenup she signed. Rosie’s rep tells TMZ: “This is a distorted perception of Michelle’s reality. It’s sad in every way.” Not shockingly, Michelle fired back, claiming she was a millionaire before she got with Rosie, and adding, “I will walk away from every dime of Rosie’s money if I get full custody.”

Yeah, something tells me that last part might not be the whole truth. Even if Michelle does get full custody, I’m sure she’ll conveniently remember a reason why she needs some of Rosie’s money. “Rosie owes me $4.6 million for…uh…cash she took out of my purse to pay the wine-and-weed delivery guy. Yeah, that’s it.“

Rosie O’Donnell And Michelle Rounds’ Divorce Fight Is Getting A Little Kramer Vs. Kramer-ey

Last February, Rosie O’Donnell let it be known that she’s taking a Magic Eraser to her life by dropping her job and her latest wife. For some reason I didn’t think her divorce would get that messy. But it’s getting a little messy.

Page Six says that Rosie O’s estranged wife of almost 3 years Michelle Rounds wants sole custody of their 2-year-old daughter Dakota. Michelle’s lawyer has already filed papers and told Page Six that Michelle believes that Dakota is better off with her. SHOTS FIRED!

“My client Michelle Rounds has decided to start proceedings for sole custody of their daughter Dakota, since it is unequivocally in their child’s best interest and general welfare.”

They signed a prenup before they got married and their divorce was going fine until Michelle played this card. Rosie O’s rep has already slapped a trick back. Her rep said that Michelle is just using their child for her “own gain.” A “source” also told TMZ that Michelle is obviously trying to milk more cash out of Rosie. The source also fired back at Michelle hard by saying that she “can’t even raise a dog … she’s given multiple dogs away.” MESS! And on the big day at SCOTUS of all days.

If Michelle really wants to get “butt sex after Taco Bell” messy, she should take a few tips from Tammy Lynn Michaels on how to bring the lesbian divorce drama in heavy doses. Michelle needs to get herself a Blogspot and write 10,000 word haikus about how she’s so poor she has to eat dirt sandwiches and how her heart broke when she found Rosie’s box of new dicks. That’s how you do it. Actually, now that I think about it, Michelle doesn’t have to do any of that. If she really wants full custody of Dakota and the bigger child support check that goes along with it, she should give the judge a picture of Rosie in rubber demon shoes known as CROCs and argue that no young human should be tortured by the daily sight of CROCs. Judgement in favor of the woman that kind of looks like Marcia Cross!

Rosie O’Donnell Is Done With The View And Her Wife

I know, that headline. She quit her job, then left her wife and wandered away from civilization to Easter Island where she raised turtles on an isolated farm for the rest of her days.

A Rosie has thrown an “I QUIT THIS BITCH” at The View. It’s just not the Rosie we all thought it would be. Rosie O’Donnell’s spokeswhore said in a statement to Page Six tonight that Rosie has quit The View AGAIN after only 5 months and she’s quitting her wife of 2 and a half years, Michelle Rounds. Michelle and Rosie adopted a daughter together in 2013. Apparently, they been done for a while and have decided to be permanently done. Rosie is checking out of the pecking hen pen known as The View to take care of her family.

“I can confirm that Rosie and her wife Michelle split in November. Rosie has teens and an infant at home that need her attention. This has been a very stressful situation. She is putting her personal health and family first. ABC has been wonderfully understanding and supportive of her personal decision to leave ‘The View.’ Next week will be her last.”

So I guess from now, The View will be nothing but Whoopi Goldberg spitting out some foolery as Nicole Wallace, Rosie Perez and Mario Cantone (because he’s ALWAYS there) nervously whistle while staring at the ceiling. I’ve watched The View every day since Rosie came back, because I have no love for myself, and have been waiting for her to lose her mind and unlock her jaw on those hos. She hasn’t. She mostly just slobbers on about a little independent movie called Frozen, because that tiny, unknown film needs all the attention it can get. She honestly didn’t seem that into that shit this time around and I’m highly disappointed that she never jumped the table and shredded tricks. I know I don’t pay for The View, but I still want my money back.

And I’m sure if The View goes on, Rosie O’Donnell will be back next year AGAIN and she’ll have a new wife. What am I saying? Her U-Haul lesbian ass will have a new wife next month.

Rosie Perez May Be Saying “Bye Bitch” To The View

I figured that if any of the pecking hens left The View it would either be Whoopi Goldberg or Rosie O’Donnell and they’d leave on a stretcher after getting her throat ripped out by the other one. But Variety says that Rosie Perez has gotten her fill of that mess after only four months on the job and is completely done with The View. Hopefully, she’s leaving that shit to focus on a sequel to It Could Happen To You that solely focuses on her character.

Rosie Perez hasn’t been on The View all month because she’s been busy rehearsing the Broadway play Fish in the Dark starring Larry David. Rosie O’Donnell has been saying on The View that Rosie Perez will be out for the rest of the month and will be back next month. Sources say that isn’t going to happen. A source says that Rosie P “never got a hang of the show’s mixture of hard and soft news” and she has trouble reading the TelePrompTer. A spokeswhore from ABC News burped up a response to Deadline and they didn’t confirm or deny that Rosie Perez is out of there:

“Rosie Perez is currently in rehearsal for her Broadway play for the month of January. Her status with the show has not changed.”

There’s also a rumor from Radar that ABC is going to kill The View completely so that they can add an extra hour of Good Morning America.

I watch The View every morning, while sober (I can’t believe I just admitted that), and I don’t really remember Rosie Perez reading from a TelePrompTer. Whoopi is the one who usually reads from it and she’s absolutely shit at it. A drunk and high Siamese Cat could read that thing better. So could Stevie Wonder. If that’s a reason to get pink-slipped then Whoopi would’ve been pink-slipped a long time ago. Besides, if Rosie Perez has trouble reading the TelePrompTer it’s probably because she’s busy rolling her eyes at all the dumb shit that is said on that show.

And Here’s Naya Rivera’s Thoughts On The Showering Habits Of Different Races

Kim Kartrashian klone Naya Rivera filled in for Whoopi Goldberg on The View today, and I guess she figured that since Whoopi wasn’t there someone had to dribble out a stream of nonsense.

The pecking hens on The View covered Buzzfeed’s piece about how us Americans bathe our asses too much and showering in hot water daily can dry out your skin and wash away good bacteria. Two dermatologists said that depending on weather and what you do with your body all day, you really just need to shower every two or three days. The dermatologists also said that if some of your parts get moist, juicy and stank, you can wipe them down with a wet towel. Nicolle Wallace said that she takes a shower three times a day. To which Naya Rivera said that she showers three times a week and then she shat up a theory about showering. When Naya Rivera says she has a theory, that’s your eye rolling muscle’s cue to stretch and get ready to roll.

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ABC Says That Rosie O’Donnell Is Not Leaving The View

If TMZ is right, then in the picture above Rosie O’Donnell is gritting her teeth hard, because if she doesn’t she’ll use her munching powers to chew Whoopi’s head off.

TMZ said today that Rosie O’Donnell’s grand return to The View is going as well as all of us thought it would go. Rosie is apparently an ingrown hair in everyone’s taint and the cast and crew would rather get butt fucked by a Spiny Anteater’s four-headed peen than work with her next season. TMZ’s “well-placed sources” say that Rosie the Terrible is mad that she’s not the captain of that ship. Sources say that Rosie signed on, because she thought she would be the “moderator” at the table instead of Whoopi. When the cameras are off, Rosie barely says a word to anyone and she always looks like she’s got a massive case of the sads.

The powers-that-be of the show doubt she’ll be back next season and won’t queef out a stream of shock if she leaves before this season is over. They’ve tried talking to her, but she’s not trying to hear them. Um, have they tried talking to her using the magic power of show tunes, because she perks up like an Australian Shepard puppy whenever she hears a show tune.

But wait! A rep at ABC denies TMZ’s story. The rep tells Buzzfeed that Rosie knew going in she wasn’t going to be the head pecking hen and she’s not leaving the show.

“This is yet another in a long line of fabricated stories. Reports of Rosie leaving are false. Whoopi is the moderator and has been since she was hired in 2007. Rosie O’Donnell knew that before she took the job.”

Ratings are down, so my guess is that ABC leaked that story to TMZ to get people to watch The View to see if Rosie loses it and goes off on those tricks. I watch The View most days and that’s the only reason why I watch. It hasn’t happened. Rosie is too behaved this time around. Whenever they talk about serious shit and Whoopi spits out something dumb, Rosie keeps her mouth shut and you can tell she’s holding back the urge to unleash her jaws of death on a trick. So if ABC really wants to bring up the ratings, they should cut off Rosie’s invisible muzzle, put on their blood splash guards and let her attack. It’s what the people (read: me and probably only me) want.