Robin Thicke’s Budget American Horror Story Video For “Get Her Back” Is Here

If you’ve ever wanted to see a desperate leftover from 2013 cling by a ball hair to relevance by giving sad douchebag eyes for 3 minutes and 43 seconds, you’re in luck! AZO’s most relentless foe Robin Thicke has released the first video from his remorse-adjacent album Paula, and just like the album art and track listing, the video for “Get Her Back” is another shameless stunt queen move.

Robin Thicke is as predictable as the rash you get after riding a questionable dick, so I was anticipating to see one of the malnourished models from the “Blurred Lines” video wearing a Paula Patton mask being chased around by a crying Robin in a giant heart suit past a group of hooker-looking sluts stand in front of a sign that reads “NO MORE STRANGE, I PROMISE!”. Instead, we got a half-assed FX promo for American Horror Story: STD Factory.

“Get Her Back” is like if you took Sinead O’Connor’s “Nothing Compares 2 U” video, threw it in a busted Slap Chop with herpes, an apology card from the dollar store, a data plan with unlimited texting, the theme from Growing Pains, a can of AXE Body Spray, and a restraining order. Or maybe this is Robin trying to be ~deep~ and everything in this video is a metaphor for something else. For example, the water represents the essence of douche. The skeleton represent how his career died along with the word #YOLO. The bloody nose represents…well, that’s just from doing too much coke with the call girl he hired the morning of the shoot.

Regardless of what he was going for, one thing is for certain: now we all know what the doctor at the free clinic sees under their microscope when a girl walks in and says: “I had unprotected sex with Robin Thicke and I think I might have caught something”:

The Entire Track Listing For Robin Thicke’s Apology Album Has Been Released, And It’s A Mess

Tori Spelling and The Deaner, take note: THIS is how you shamelessly whore out a busted relationship caused by a sleazy slut husband’s inability to refrain from sticking his dirty dick in an endless number of random tricks.

Human yeast infection Robin Thicke has revealed the next step in his foolproof plan of winning back his former bottom bitch Paula Patton by leaking the album art for his upcoming album Paula, and I hate Robin Thicke for many reasons, but right now I hate him for ruining Rasta colors for me; I’ll never be able to look at Ras Trent again without thinking of that HPV-hustling’ cooter-hound. Oh, and nice choice of font; was Jokerman already taken?

The track list has also been released, and when I guessed at what songs would be joining “Get Her Back” on Paula, I wasn’t very far off. These are the songs that Robin Thicke thinks will make Paula’s pussy weep tears of joy and come running back into his waiting arms:

1. “You’re My Fantasy”
2. “Get Her Back”
3. “Still Madly Crazy”
4. “Lock the Door”
5. “Whatever I Want”
6. “Living in New York City”
7. “Love Can Grow Back”
8. “Black Tar Cloud”
9. “Too Little Too Late”
10. “Tippy Toes”
11. “Something Bad” (aka The Rash You’ll Get From Fucking Robin)
12. “The Opposite of Me”
13. “Time of Your Life”
14. “Forever Love”

This is a joke, right? It has to be. I’m starting to think this is all just an elaborate prank and Robin Thicke is trolling at a master level. I wouldn’t be surprised if several of those tracks are just recordings of Robin Thicke crying. He’ll probably take it to the next level by showing up at the VMAs in a pair of old sweatpants and a homemade t-shirt with a picture of Paula’s face printed on the front, and instead of performing a song, he’ll sit on the edge of the stage, clutching a photo album, and asking if anyone wants to see some memories.

Robin Thicke Has Named His Next Album After Paula Patton

Us Weekly says that human urinary tract infection Robin Thicke has launched Phase II of his shameless stunt queen plot to woo Paula Patton back into his pussy-scented life by naming his upcoming album after his estranged wife. Robin’s rep (a talking tube of anti-fungal cream) has confirmed that his next album will be called Paula and will feature that “Get Her Back” song he’s been desperately hustling. The album will be released on July 1st, so you have plenty of time to decide whether to not buy it or not buy it.

I don’t want to make a lazy pun (“Oh yes you do” – my brain) but Robin is laying it on a little thick. We all know it’s only a matter of time until these two publicity whores reunite on the cover of People with the headline “IT WORKED! The “Get Her Back” singer GOT HER BACK!”, so he doesn’t have to try so hard. He’s going to burn himself out. I don’t know where he finds the time to think up new ways to declare his love for Paula; he already spends 22 hours a day fucking anything in a thong with a pulse and a set of clip-in blonde hair extensions.

Besides the title, not much else is known about Paula, but you don’t have to be Miss Cleo to predict that every track on that damn album will sound like the most obvious bullshit this side of a Britney Spears concert. The first single, “Get Her Back”, will be followed by “Sorry”, “My Love”, “Sorry My Love”, “Getting Back My Love”, “Get Her Back To Say Sorry”, and “I Love Her (the Get Her Back Skrillex remix)”, all of which will be performed live by Robin dressed up like Ned Flanders on Valentine’s Day” during a telethon hosted by Alan Thicke.

Paula Patton Is Probably Going To Take Robin Thicke Back

Robin Thicke has loudly let it be known that he wants his wife of over 8 years Paula Patton back and he’s done everything except for hold a boombox outside of her bedroom window. But I’m sure he’s currently being fitted for a trench coat to make that happen. Robin told the audience at one of his shows last month that he was trying to get his girl back and at his show in Atlantic City last week, he did a cover of “Let’s Stay Together” and dedicated it to Paula. TMZ says that Robin’s public displays of begging are working and Paula is close to taking him back. “What a surprising and shocking development,” said not one bitch.

TMZ says that sources in Robin and Paula’s circle (there’s several finger banging jokes in there) are telling them that she is slowly stepping away from divorce papers and is considering giving their marriage another try. Even though Paula is not impressed with Robin’s eye roll-worthy public declarations of love, she’s been talking to him over the phone all the time and telling him what he needs to do to make their marriage work. Those phone calls must be really short. Because if Paula’s telling him what to do to keep their blessed union intact, she’s probably only saying 10 words to him: “Keep your ho shit antics on the down low, slut.”

Sources also tell TMZ that Robin’s been hanging out with their kid when he can and that pleases Paula.

For those of you who labeled Robin and Paula’s split as a shameless stunt, this is playing out exactly the way you thought it would play out.

1. Paula tells the media that she’s broken up with Robin after he gets caught with his sticky fingers in the cookie jar. (The cookies were oatmeal in case you wondering.)

2. Robin acts like a devoted and caring husband by publicly telling everyone that he wants to save his marriage.

3. Robin and Paula leak stories to TMZ about how he’s begging her to take him back and she’s like “whatever” but is slowly warming to the idea.

4. Paula and Robin declare that they’re back together on the cover of People and the headline is: “NO MORE BLURRED LINES! We’re Fighting For Our Love!” Robin is husband of the year! Paula is wife of the year! Their marriage is marriage of the year! Everyone forgets about those open marriage rumors! And cherubs put down the arrows they were going to stabs themselves in the hearts with, because true love is restored! Meanwhile, groupie whores hoping to get a piece of Robin shrug, because they know the game he’s playing. And Katy Perry makes a sad face, because her dream of publicly dating every man slut in The Man Slut Trifecta is over for now.

Robin Thicke Wants You To Know That He’s Trying To Get His Girl Back

After canceling show after show because his marriage is slow dancing with the Grim Reaper, Robin Thicke took his slut ass back to the stage last night and took a minute to tell the audience that he’s trying to win Paula Patton back. Before dedicating his song “Lost Without U” to her at the Patriot Center in Fairfax, VA, the smooth tampon in a black suit summoned a wave of “awwwwws” (and an eye roll out of me) out of the audience when he dribbled this out:

“For those of you who don’t know, my wife and I got separated a few days ago. But you know I want everybody to know that I’m trying to get my girl back. But you know, she told me, she said, ‘You should go out there and tell the truth. You should tell them you’re trying to get me back.’ She’s a good woman, you know.”

I can’t with all those audience members getting feelings over this STUNT QUEEN speech… You know that after the show, one of them let Robin cry out lonely tears onto her chichis before he wiped ’em off with his hand and used ’em as cooch lube. While Robin is busy trying to get his girl back, I’m sure his hand will be busy trying to grab another girl’s back.

I know I think everything is some STUNT QUEEN shit, but the way this is playing out… Robin is acting like he and Paula are the love story of our time and we should all be rooting for them to get back together. Bitch, this ain’t Say Anything and you ain’t John Cusack. But you know he’s going to invite TMZ to shoot him as he stands outside of Paula house while holding up a boombox blaring “In Your Eyes.” I’m already getting the heaves just thinking about it.

Pics: Splash (Thanks to Jennifer for the video!)

Miley Cyrus’ Canned Chicken Ass Killed Robin Thicke’s Marriage

The world really hasn’t been the same since August 25, 2013. That day, our gag reflexes were destroyed, we all developed a phobia for wet, uncooked pounded chicken cutlets and the almost dead, coked-up, STD-ridden body of Robin Thicke and Paula Patton’s marriage began taking its last breaths after Miley Cyrus twerked on its face. When Paula Patton told everyone that she’s stepping away from the half-melted butt suppository in aviators that is Robin Thicke, I waited and waiting for the inevitable “Miley’s flattened Eggo pancake minis ass wrecked that marriage” story and here it is courtesy of TMZ.

After we all watched Miley rub her ass against Robin Thicke the same way a chihuahua with over-filled anal glands scratches its b-hole against a tree, Paula Patton laughed it off and didn’t understand why some people were pulling their eyeballs out of their sockets and dipping ’em in boiled holy water. Paula said this on WWHL (via EW) at the time:

“I wasn’t surprised at all. Honestly, they rehearsed for three days beforehand. I don’t know how not to dance with someone having their booty in your … all my friends do it like that. And I don’t really know what the big deal is. I don’t know if they thought Miley was gonna sit down and play piano like Alicia Keys?”

But a source tells TMZ that Paula was raging on the inside and she felt like Robin “disrespected” her when he played along with Miley. The source went on to say that Miley improvised the whole messy act and Paula didn’t know she was going to do that and didn’t like that Robin went along with it. That was the beginning of the end, apparently. Paula’s rage grew when she saw that picture of Robin sticking his hand up a trick’s ass and those pictures of Robin putting his greasy dough face near the face of some barely legal-looking girl in Paris. They started fighting more and more and then Paula cut the cord.

So, TMZ’s source really wants us to believe that Miley is a ho shit genius and made that all up on the spot and it wasn’t intricately choreographed down to every twerk and pussy grab? Please. That mess was more choreographed than Kim Kardashian’s entire life. And Robin was a slut long before Miley’s un-breaded Chicken McNuggets butt came along. Paula probably just didn’t like that he wasn’t keeping his whore-iness on the down low anymore.

But really, Paula waited a long time to dump his ass. I would’ve dialed the divorce lawyer as soon as he strolled out of his dressing room looking like a pimp douche version of Beetlejuice. Beetlequeef.