Category: Richard Simmons
International Treasure Richard Simmons Has Retired From Public Life
It’s daytime in Los Angeles right now, but the sun has already set, the birds have stopped chirping and dark clouds have covered the sky. (Just pretend and go with me.) The sun will probably never come out again, because it has no reason to. The only reason it comes out is to get a glimpse of the dandelion of eternal joy that is Richard Simmons and now that his rep has said that he’s living a happy life away from the spotlight, what’s the point?! What’s the point of anything?!
Good News, Everyone: Richard Simmons Is Fine!
No, this isn’t a recent picture of Richard Simmons, but I like to imagine this is how he answered the door for the police officers who came by to check up on him to prove he was A-OK. “Dispatch, this is Officer Brown. I have received visual confirmation that Richard Simmons is still a vivacious elf. Over.”
You should be throwing your arms in the air to Laura Branigan’s “Gloria” and giving praise to the legwarmer-wearing gods above today, because after many months of wondering about the health and wellness of Richard Simmons, TMZ says that he’s doing alright. That wooshing sound you just heard was a giant sigh of relief from anyone who has ever jumped on one of those tiny trampolines in their basement while watching a VHS copy of Sweatin’ to the Oldies.
According to TMZ, one of Richard’s friends sent an email to the L.A. County District Attorney’s Elder Abuse Unit last month claiming that 66-year-old Richard was being abused by someone who was clearly looking for a one-way ticket to Hell. So on Friday night around 7pm, two LAPD officers paid a visit to Richard’s house to investigate. When the cops showed up, they were greeted by Richard himself, who invited them in to his home, because Richard is a true gentleman and perfect host.
The police officers spent an hour with Richard and reported that he was “articulate, lucid, relaxed” and appreciative of their concern, adding that he couldn’t have been nicer and more gracious. They say Richard explained to them he’s has been hiding out at home because he’s “exhausted” from spending the past 30 years as a public person. That’s an understatement if I’ve ever heard one. Imagine spending 30 years being Richard Simmons? Even cocaine is like “I don’t know where he finds the energy.”
They also say he’s still walking with a limp because of his bum knee, and that he has a beard now (which I bet makes him look super handsome, like a young Bob Ross). Richard also explained why he hasn’t been to his Beverly Hills fitness studio recently, saying “I’ve got people who run things. I don’t need to be there.” Truth! Richard, you’re rich and old and put in your time; you deserve to sit back and let someone else do the click clack!
International Treasure Richard Simmons Is Reportedly In A Sad Place Right Now
If you’ve seen a rainbow recently, then it might’ve been a fake rainbow that the government created with lights and holograms, because they want you to think that everything is right in the world and Richard Simmons is happier then ever. But if TMZ is telling the truth, then it’s impossible for a natural rainbow to appear in the sky, because Richard Simmons has the sads in a major and serious way.
According to TMZ, the human sparkler who is the true inspiration for the song “You Light Up My Life” hasn’t been photographed since January of this year when he went to a charity event. Richard Simmons always held court at his fitness studio in Beverly Hills, but apparently he hasn’t graced that place with his glittery presence for a few months. Richard used to teach a class there at least once a month, but the schedule on his studio’s website says that either Richard or staff is teaching the class. Friends of Richard haven’t heard from him either and whenever somebody comes to visit him at his house, his housekeeper shoos them away.
Richard used to regularly give my eyes a heaping serving of the tingles by posting a picture of him in drag on Facebook, but he hasn’t done that in a while. Richard (or someone on his team) is still updating his FB page all the time and leaving comments, but it seems like they’re only posting old pictures.
Some source says that Richard barely ever leaves his house and is majorly depressed because his bitchy 66-year-old left knee just won’t let him twirl stars into the sky by doing what he loves most: working out. Richard’s knee is busted and doctors have told him that if he wants to keep sweatin’ to the oldies then he needs to have knee replacement surgery. Richard’s known for about a year that his left knee needs to be replaced, but he’s terrified of the surgery so he hasn’t done it yet. Richard’s right knee was replaced 4 years ago and he kept putting the surgery off because the thought of going under the knife freaked out every part of his soul. Richard tried to get his knee back into kicking condition by doing stem cell and red blood platelet therapy, but it didn’t work.
Suge Knight Shot Multiple Times At Chris Brown’s Pre-VMAs Bloodbath
Chile, I am barely in the door and someone shoots Suge Knight at Chris Brown’s VMAs party! It’s like they knew I was making a cameo here at DListed once again! Why the fuck do I have to do all the heavy-lifting all of a sudden? It’s intimidating! Allison, where are you, girl? Michael K. is off in Cancun adding to his collection of dirty dicks (“acid reflux”, my fat Irish ass – you know dirty dicks are bad for your health) and someone shoots a celebrity and misses Chris Brown!
Death Row Records founder (and longtime walking target) Suge Knight was shot multiple times when someone started firing at Fist Brown’s pre-MTV VMAs kiki at 10OAK in West Hollywood early this morning. Besides Suge, three other people were shot and one is reportedly in critical condition. I would point out that, in a less ridiculous world, this post would be about the poor bastard who is at death’s door as opposed to big ole’ bullet cozy Suge. But I don’t want Suge to get out of ICU and hang my ass over a balcony.
Shots rang out in the packed nightclub around 1:30 AM, sending people dropping their drinks and running for the exits. You can watch the kind of upsetting vid via The Daily Mail below. The genius standing on top of the club banquette yelling at people and making himself an easy target AFTER BITCHES WERE SHOOTING EACH OTHER on the premises is reportedly Breezy. Ugh, keep tempting that fate, Chris.
One Hundred Percent Pure Purple Sex
Just when I was about to declare today the Backdoor Farrah of gossip days (slow as fuck), these newsworthy and highly important pictures of the bright shiny rhinestone ring hanging off of America’s left nipple came out. Today in West Hollywood, Richard Simmons strut strut strutted his ass while looking like a gorgeous purple wildflower in a blue butterfly sanctuary. If a Q-Tip was used in a purple swan’s ear and a magical blue fairy turned it into a human because she felt it was too fabulous to be thrown out, that human would look like Richard Simmons.
Everybody should celebrate Coming Out Day by dying their hair purple and wearing some 70s shirt from Out of the Closet! Technically, Richard Simmons hasn’t officially come out, but he doesn’t really need to and besides, that outfit is coming out for him. Happy National Coming Out Day!
And here’s more of Richard today and pictures of Richard being a bathing beauty with Diana Nyad in NYC the other day. Commence the puckering!
Pics: Splash
Dreams Do Come True: Richard Simmons In Ginger Drag
While the Emmys were bumming everyone the shit out by showing us dead person after dead person, Richard Simmons was giving everybody life on Twitter. During the show, the spawn of Billy Crystal and a Care Bear, made anus lips twitch and tingle into a frenzy by tweeting pictures of him dragged up as various TV characters. You better shove an ice cube up your ass, because if you don’t, the sight of Richard Simmons in all kinds of drag will make your prostate melt and drip out of your body.
Who cares if Richard Simmons as Walter White looks more like Justin Bieber after his music career dies and he tries to make it in the world of female tennis. Who cares if Richard Simmons as Sister Jude from AHS: Asylum looks more like a strung out Tan Mom. And who cares if Richard Simmons in Game of Thrones drag looks like a sober White Oprah SANS FARDS. All of this is perfection wrapped in a rainbow wrapped in a unicorn’s air kiss wrapped in another layer of perfection.
Miley will most likely Instagram a picture of her wearing nothing but a clit cozy today and that’ll make my head swallow my eyeballs for once and for all, and that’s okay. I’ve seen everything there is to see now that I’ve seen Richard Simmons in drag as Phoebe Price. It’s like heaven jacked off in my eyes.
via Buzzfeed