A Manic, Bedazzled Tornado Of Fabulous Messiness Hit Jimmy Kimmel Live Last Night

After the gay Tasmanian devil on molly that is Richard Simmons exited Jimmy Kimmel’s Live studio by crashing through the wall, the audience picked the shards of sequins off of their eyeballs and tried to figure out what just happened. Shit, my ass just watched both videos three times and I don’t know what happened.

In the span of 8 minutes, the true queen of pop gave Bill Hader a lap dance, lovingly caressed Jimmy Kimmel’s face, licked the questions off of Jimmy’s card like they tasted like piña colada lube, spoke in a “Mexican” accent that was almost as bad as the “Mexican” accent Dania Ramirez does on Devious Maids, flashed the basket of baby peaches in his pants, twerked to the oldies, cried about thirsty orphans, stripped down and got into Jane Fonda drag. And he did it all while wearing the most clothes I’ve ever seen him wear. He was dressed like the principal at Liberace’s Academy of Music.

I feel like I need to drink ten cartons of orange juice and lie down in a dark room. It’s like I’m coming down from E. Nothing makes me pucker like watching Richard Simmons go full Richard Simmons.

via Towleroad

Open Post: Hosted By The True Star Of The VMAs (And Katy Perry)

Katy Perry must have the confidence of a power bottom with a b-hole like a Dyson vac, because any ho who poses next to the photogenic dandelion that is Richard Simmons is setting themselves up. If I was the photographer taking this picture, I’d tell Katy Perry to move a little to her right, jump over that barrier, keep moving to her right and keep moving to her right until she’s in Manhattan, bitch. Because Richard Simmons has this and then some. The MTV VMAs can stop before they’ve started, because they’ve already achieved their goal by getting the hot bitch with the song of the century to pose on their red carpet. Katy Perry should be on her knees and bowing down to the Pop Empress.

So tonight’s the ‘N Sync reunion (featuring the VMAs) and if you’re going to watch, you better hook yourself up to an IV drip full of some mind numbing shit, because it’s going to be a long night. I’m only a few minutes into the pre-show and I’ve already seen a stoned-as-fuck Paula Patton trying to put words together and Miley saying, “See, they’ll do anything for me,” after making the crowd cheer for her low-rent, busted Pink-wannabe ass.

If you need a simple VMAs drinking game, just keep drinking, smoke crack with Lamar Odom through CaCa’s performance, and then keep drinking. No sleep till you’re shit-faced.

Pics: Getty

Panty Creamer Of The Day: Richard Simmons’ “Hair Do” Music Video

While the Internet losers their mind, fights, cries and strangles kittens over Ben Affleck being the new Batman, here’s something tingly to soothe your nerves and to make your b-hole squirt out a drop of liquid sunshine. Richard Simmons’ “Hair Do” song  glued itself to the inner parts of my brain when his lyric video came out and now that I’ve seen the full video, it’s cemented itself to the inner parts of my brain. This is like a gay dream on cotton candy-flavored Ecstasy. Seeing Richard Simmons in various kinds of drag next Pandora Boxx, Delta Work and other Drag Race queens has made me pucker from places I didn’t know existed. If I had Jesus’ cell phone number, I’d totally text him the link to this video with the question, “This is what prom in Heaven looks like, right?”

In related news, MTV announced today that Lady CaCa has been pushed to the pre-show in the lobby of the Barclays Center and Richard Simmons will now open the VMAs.

via Yahoo!

Katy Perry And Lady Gaga, Who?

“Short, long, straight or curly?” isn’t just a question you ask yourself every time you’re about to wash, cut and style your pubes. It’s also the lyrics to the soon-to-be worldwide #1 on iTunes, multiple Grammy-winning song “Hair Do” from Richard Simmons.

As the Little Monsters and the Katycats fight over which one of their queens is going to claim the throne (yes, I am technically an adult human and I wrote that sentence), the pop dandelion Richard Simmons is casually skipping up the rainbow to the top of the charts! Richard Simmons queefed out the lyric video for “Hair Do” and it’s like a lost level on Rainbow Island (I can’t believe I remember that video game).

I can’t even remember the choruses to “Meow” and “Applesauce,” but I know that the award-winning lyrics “short, long, straight curleeee” are forever embedded into my brain and in 40 years, I won’t remember shit, but I will remember that lyric.

And Nicki Minaj can retire permanently, because Richard Simmons is the now the new Princess of Rap.

Pics: Splash

Panty Creamer Of The Day: Richard Simmons Twerking It With A Go-Go Dancer

Here’s the freshest dandelion plucked from heaven’s finest garden twerking and grinding with some go-go dancers during an L.A. Pride event at The Abbey in West Hollywood last night. You can practically smell all of the panty pudding in the room from here.

Richard Simmons didn’t want to make dozens of people bust into a crotch seizure at the sight of him in satin shorty shorts and control top pantyhose, so instead he decided to dress like a Florida cigar dealer circa 1981. But Richard didn’t let his pleated trousers keep him from bumping crotches with the ladies. They probably all got pregnant. We can assume that in about 9 months, each one of those go-go dancers will give birth to a human dandelion who pisses glitter.

And on a different note, why the hell is nobody throwing cash at Richard? He should have hundred dollars bills, car keys, blank checks, drink tickets and deeds to houses shoved in his waistband.

You Ran Over My Fucking FOOT, But I’m Richard Simmons, So I’m Cool Like That

PLEASE do not disfigure Richard Simmons, EVER. Who could do such a thing? In this video from TMZ, some Asian guy (okay, stop with the Asian driving jokes) did just that, and watch how Richard handles his flattened foot situation. Too cute.

Richard Simmons is the hot slut of this and every generation, okay??? RECOGNIZE, step off (his foot, no seriously, step off), and give a little love to the man who believes that fitness is fun while the rest of us just go “meh” and scratch at our hairy FUPAS.

Go Richard!