QOTD: Adrian Grenier’s Got A Big Peen And An Ever Bigger Peen Bush

Courtney Robertson, the star fucker and resident crazy bitch on Ben Flajnik’s season of The Bachelor, has a book about her life out called “I Didn’t Come Here To Make Friends: Confessions of a Reality Show Villain!” and she must know that nobody cares about her stupid life and the only way to sell her book is to write about all the Z-listers and C-listers she’s gotten naked with. E! News says that some of her book is filled with crap nobody has ever wanted to know (example: she finger banged herself while watching Dawson’s Creek), but it’s also filled with stuff that’s relevant to some of our interests. Courtney writes about the peens of famous dudes.

Before we get into Adrian’s huge dick and 70s pube afro, Courtney says that she also got naked with Jesse Metcalfe, and she didn’t tell us if his peen is as impressive as his huge tits, but she did tell us that he was a drunk and drug addict at the time and the sex was just average. Courtney also got with Laura Jeanne Poon’s husband before he was Laura Jeanne Poon’s husband (yes, Courtney’s cooch really reaches for the stars) and then she got into Adrian Grenier. Courtney says that never did sex with Adrian Grenier, but she did see his Snuffleupagus dick and it’s the biggest thing her eyes have ever seen.

According to the book, they met at an A-List mansion party; she writes that they bonded over a “mutual loneliness in LA,” yet she didn’t feel a spark. She did, however, feel a fondness for hooking up with him and claimed/bragged/overshared, “He had the biggest penis I’d ever seen—and the biggest bush!”

The TV personality claims they never had “actual sex” in the six years the Entourage star (Vincent Chase)d her and he is still in hot pursuit, booty-call texting her to this day. According to the book, the last time her wrote her, he asked, “Are you still on that show?”

If your nostrils are twitching, you might be thinking about that not-so-blind item that claimed that Adrian Grenier’s got a huge, hairy, smelly one.

This Courtney mess needs to be more specific. I mean, if Pamela Anderson told me that Adrian Grenier has a big dick, I’d know his dick was so big that he has to wrap it around his right thigh or it’ll drag on the floor. Because Pamela knows her big dicks. But how do I know that all the dudes Courtney’s been with have small ones and a 6 incher is a Goliath to her? This is nothing but a “Hi-Res pics of GTFO” situation. And it’s obvious that Adrian’s shag rug matches his shag drapes. If you go down on Adrian, you know you’re going to spend the next hour coughing up a foamy hairball on the rug as your cat looks at you like, “Now you know how it feels, whore.”

Pic: Bauer Griffin 

QOTD: Courtney Love Wouldn’t Screw Russell Brand Because He Smelled “Too Musky”

Courtney Love would fuck a hyena if it waved a half-smoked ciggie at her (who wouldn’t?), but she tells Channel’s 4 Alan Carr: Chatty Man (via UsWeekly) that when Russell Brand tried to get into her chonies, she turned him down, because he smelled “too musky.” We should totally bottle Russell’s stank and call it Too Musky. We can sell it at Sephora. We’ll become billionaires, because every living thing will buy it to keep Courtney Love off of their asses. It’ll be the Courtney Love repellent! Anyway, here’s the hilariousness that Courtney spit up:

“My favorite Russell Brand line was when we first were friends and he tried to hit on me and nothing ever happened. He goes, ‘I’ve had a lot of grand conversations, darling, but none of them have ever ended in an orgasm. Can we go in your room? He’s got some good lines. [But] I said to Russell, ‘You’re too musky for me, man.’He is a little musky. We did yoga together and the musk was there.”

I totally believe that Russell Brand tried to hump Courtney Love, because Russell Brand tries to hump any and everything. Russell walks down the street, spots a trash can he’s attracted to and chats it up for a second before he pulls his pants down and humps it good. Then Russell pulls his pants up, walks some more, spots a discarded cheeseburger wrapper that he’s attracted to and chats it up for a second before he pulls his pants down and humps it good. Russell fucks anything. How do you think he became the health department’s most wanted? What I don’t believe is that Courtney turned Russell down for smelling “musky.” That’s impossible! All the drugs she’s shoved up her nose ate her sense of smell. Bitch hasn’t smelled shit since the 90s.

Courtney probably took Russell up on his offer and as they were headed to a back alleyway to get it on, a citizen alerted the CDC who immediately showed up and broke them up by spraying them down with industrial-strength ammonia. Thank God, because imagine the STDs these two would’ve created together.

QOTD: Jason Priestley And Brad Pitt Used To Have Stank-Off Contests Back In The Day

Jason Priestley was feeling a little left out of the “Whores From 90210 With Memoirs” club since Tori Spelling, Jennie Garth and Shannen Doherty have all released books about their lives, so he’s putting out his own book called “Jason Priestley: A Memoir.” That title is dripping with creativity, I know. Jason is out there selling his memoirs and he’s released the “juiciest” (read: as juicy as a dehydrated blueberry left out in the sun for 12 hours) parts of his book. Jason writes that Shannen Doherty really was a cunt-covered bitch during the 90210 days (insert thisisbrandnewinformation.GIF here) and says that money-grubbing shameless whore Tori Spelling sold his wedding invitation for $5 at one of her yard sales.

Jason also writes that before he was the third hottest dude on 90210 (after Dylan and Steve Sanders of course, you can judge me), he lived in a house with a bunch of struggling actors including Brad Pitt (in the pic above, he’s the bro with the beer in the back). Jason says that they’d always have contests to see who could go without washing their asses the longest. If your nostril hairs have ever curled up and fallen off while looking at a picture of Brad Pitt, you know who regularly won:

“Just for fun, we used to have competitions over who could go the longest without showering and shaving. Brad always won. Having to go on an audition meant cleaning up, which is what usually put an end to the streak.”

The only straight dudes in junior high school who didn’t make fun of me were these skater boys who lived in my neighborhood and they pulled nasty, sucio shit like this. They always smelled like old milk and sewer gas. They never bathed themselves and would make fun of each other for showering. They’d also collect their scabs and one of them wanted to wallpaper his bedroom wall with them. Dude didn’t grow up to be a serial killer, surprisingly.

Anyway, so Jason and Brad’s stank-off contests don’t surprise me. Some straight dudes like to smell like wet dog ass. I bet Jason and Brad’s house smelled like a refrigerator that’s been without power for a few days. You’d turn your head one way and the stank scent of peen queso and armpit milk would waft up your nostrils. You’d turn the other way and your nose would be hit with a cloud of butt jelly and toe jam fumes.

And Brad really hasn’t changed much. The only time he bathes is when the child army bands together and drags him to the backyard to hose him down Turner & Hooch-style.

QOTD: Kate Upton Wishes She Had Smaller Tits

Kate Upton saying, “I wish I had smaller tits,” is Kate Upton’s way of saying, “I wish I wasn’t famous and a millionaire.”

Kate Upton has a pair of magnificent chichis that look like two fat angels taking a long nap on pillows made of clouds and they’re a HUGE part of why she has millions of dollars, two Sports Illustrated covers, a Vogue cover and they’re the reason why the bed sheets of many teen boys are crusty and can stand up on their own. But Kate tells The Sun on Sunday (via Page Six) that she wishes her all-natural, organic titty bags were attached to her body by velcro so she could rip them off and put on a pair of Keira Knightley-sized tits every now and again. Yes, magnificent chichis are good for all sorts of things like cracking open watermelons and holding all your necessities (examples: iPhone, lipstick, stash of weed and lube) when you don’t want to carry a purse, but Kate says that she wishes the tits that shoot out hundred dollar bills were smaller.

“I wish I had smaller boobs every day of my life as I love to wear spaghetti tops braless or go for the smallest bikini designs. Every single day, I’m like, ‘Oh, man, it would be so much easier,’ especially if people didn’t constantly bring them up. But the grass is always greener, as they say! If I could just take them off like they were clip-ons.”

The most surprising part of all of this is that the person who interviewed Kate was able to write the words that came out of her mouth while not looking at their notepad because their eyes were glued to her huge, money-making chichis the entire time.

QOTD: Kevin Spacey Is Not Coming Out Anytime Soon

Kevin Spacey is pretty much going to Montgomery Clift it when it comes to the whole “loving peen on his tongue” thing.  Go ahead and forward all of Kevin Spacey’s mail to the closet, because he’s not moving from there for a long damn while. While being interviewed for a Hollywood Reporter cover story, Kevin was asked about his personal life and the merkin on his head nearly caught on fire, because he didn’t like being asked about it and he didn’t want to talk about it. THR brought up an Esquire article from 1997 that mentioned that Kevin’s throat gets extra moist for peen tips. Kevin denied it at the time. Since then, Kevin has put a “DO NOT DISTURB, WHORES “sign on his closet door and wants to keep his personal shit private. When THR asked him about it, he spit this out:

“Let’s let people live their lives and do it the way they want to do it. All the chips will fall in the end, and we’ll all be judged by a much higher power than Entertainment Weekly can.”

“The chips will fall in the end“…. I don’t think I’ve done that gay sex act before. I better look that up. Kevin Spacey’s career wouldn’t change a bit if he came out, but really, we’ve all seen that picture of him staring at a twink’s ass like he was about to call Flat Rate movers and move permanently in between those ass cheeks. He wanted to live in there forever. Those glimmers in his eyes weren’t from the camera flash. It was from his eyeballs cumming over those boy buns. That picture said everything. But whatever, you do you (and who ever you want), Kevin. But will he please take that flattened and dead guinea pig on his head to the animal cemetery and give it the proper burial it deserves? That’s some shit that really concerns me.

QOTD: Nobody Knew Kaley Cuoco’s Ass Before She Dated Superman

Seen above on the cover of May’s Cosmopolitan looking like a plastic and wooden Jennifer Aniston puppet that’s taking the most cheerful shit ever, Kaley Cuoco tells the magazine that before her week-long PRomance with Henry Cavill, she was a stranger bitch to many and after their trial contract expired, everybody suddenly knew her face. In the future, publicists trying to talk their clients into a fake relationship for attention, will bring up this quote from Kaley Cuoco and tell them that PRomances work for even the most basic of hos. They’ll follow it up by asking, “Now, do you want the Gyllenhaal or the Cooper?” Kaley spit this out about her 10 days with Superman:

“I had no one following me until I met Superman. I’ve been in this business for 20 years, and my whole life, I could go anywhere, do anything. There had not been one paparazzi photo of me until like several months ago. The recognition was crazy.”

Kaley Cuoco fame whoring her way onto our eyeballs isn’t the crazy part. The crazy part is that it’s been months since she held hands with Superman on the ho stroll and I’m still writing about her damn ass. This past weekend, I dropped half of my ice cream Drumstick on the patio floor and picked it up and ate it. That doesn’t disgust me as much as me being able to type Kaley Cuoco’s last name without Googling. What is wrong with me?

And Kaley also said that she reads comments about herself online:

“I started reading [the social media comments] and thought, Maybe I need to make more of an effort and not go out in my UGGs and be disgusting. So I started putting on makeup. And they started writing, ‘Wow, someone really likes being in front of the camera’ and ‘Her hair’s done now for coffee.’ I couldn’t do anything right. Why am I reading this stuff? But I’m obsessed. I openly admit to being totally insane about that.”

If she chopped off the “about that” part of the last sentence, I’d pat her on her stupid tattoo for summing herself up perfectly. Since there’s a chance that Kaley is reading this mess, let me tell her ass a really easy way to get hos to say she has never ever looked hotter. All she has to do is get a plain white t-shirt, pull out a Sharpie, write the exact measurements of Henry Cavill’s peen on it and wear it everywhere. Bonus points if she sketches a portrait of Superman’s peen on that back of that t-shirt.