QOTD: Tom Daley Gets Sex Offers All The Time

In “the true definition of a humblebrag” news, ripped water twink Tom Daley tells James Corden during an interview for The Sun (via DS) that ever since he let it be known that he loves dick on his tongue, hos have been throwing their peens at him left and right. If life was Grindr, Tom Daley’s screen would be covered in nothing but red dots. Everybody wants that waxed otter ass. When Tom walks outside of his house, dicks fall from the sky and there’s an open field of peens in front of him for him to throw that boy pussy on.

“Yeah, it does happen quite often. You do get some people who just come up to you and offer it there and then. Like literally. Some people come up to me and say, ‘Do you want to go back?’ And I’m like, ‘What do you mean? The whole reason I did this was because I have a boyfriend’.”

This twink… Tom Daley has been to the Olympics, has the looks of a Bel Ami power bottom, has more hard abs than he knows what to do with, is dating the dude who wrote Leche and now we know that he can pull in dick without even trying. I, for one, am not jealous at all, because I get hit on all the time and by “all the time” I mean never and by “hit on” I mean some 60-something bald dude who was built like Lena Dunham and was wearing cargo capris approached me in the refrigerator section of a Gelson’s supermarket and asked me if I was from around there. Just when I started to think that an actual human with semi-working genitals was hitting one me, he goes, “Oh, because this store doesn’t have my usual brand of soy milk and I’m wondering if there’s a Trader Joe’s nearby.” Leave it to a soy milk-drinking pepaw in cargo capris to crush my spirit.

QOTD: Katy Perry On Kissing Miley Cyrus

During an interview with Australian talk show Sunrise (via NYDN), Katy Perry was asked about touching mouth lips with Miley Cyrus at Miley’s show and she pretty much burped out an “ewwwwwwwwww” while thinking about it. Katy thought the kiss was going to be a G-rated 7th grade slumber party girl-on-girl peck and Miley wanted to bareback bone Katy’s mouth with her tongue. Katy dribbled out this half-gallon of fuel that will power your next 10 eye rolls:

“I just walked up to her to give her like a friendly girly kiss, you know, as girls do. Then she like tried to move her head and go deeper and I pulled away. God knows where that tongue has been. We don’t know! That tongue is so infamous!”

Katy does have a point, but is she really acting like her tongue has only touched freshly washed organic strawberries and the Body of Christ? The CDC will gladly tell you that Katy’s tongue has regularly visited HerpTown (aka John Mayer’s mouth) and has possibly taken a day trip to the Syphilis Mountains (aka Russell Brand’s nuts) and was most likely an honorary citizen of Chlamydia Ditch (aka Russell Brand’s peen slit). So Katy’s tongue shouldn’t get all uppity about Miley’s nasty tongue.

Here’s Katy at Sunrise and try to tell me that koala isn’t thinking to itself, “Gurrrrl, put on some rubber gloves before you pet me. You’ve touched John Mayer down there!”

Pics: Splash

QOTD: Benedict Cumberbatch On His Otter Face

Tumblr’s sweetheart and the #1 reason why thousands of Cumberbitches have rug burns on their coochie lips from humping on a stuffed lizard toy is well aware of the whole “Otters Who Look Like Benedict Cumberbatch” meme and he completely embraces his face. During an interview with The Hollywood Reporter for their “In Conversation” series, Bendadick Cumsinbatches was asked about his “timeless” look and he spit this out:

“It’s the blessing of having a weird face — somewhere between an otter and something people find vaguely attractive. Or just an otter, which is vaguely attractive. In all seriousness I’ve grown up with this face and it’s been in the industry for 10 years and now it’s getting on these hottie lists. It just doesn’t make any sense, because I was nowhere near the 1000th hottest face when I started out. So I know a lot of it is projection, which is kind of flattering about the work I suppose. I know I’m not a typical beauty. I’ve got a long neck, a long face — that’s usually period. That’s usually some kind of inbreeding weirdness. So I’ll run with that. I’ll wear some high collars and ride a horse or two.”

Did Benadryl Cucumberpatch just admit that his mom and dad used to call each other brother and sister back in the day and that he’s the inbred product of some Flowers in the Attic-type fuck action? But seriously, my nipples have never gotten hard for Benedict and I’ve been digitally shanked through e-mail by Cumberbitches for saying so. But he is charming and he’s self-aware and I do understand how hos can get the coochie barfs from a dude who looks like a living police sketch of an alien.

With all that being said, I can NOT with Benedict calling otters “vaguely” attractive. That’s like calling Shauna Sand vaguely elegant or like calling Jon Hamm’s Hammaconda vaguely butt hole busting. Or like calling Lindsay Lohan vaguely crackheady. I mean, look at this. This isn’t vaguely attractive. This is all the way adorable:

So fuck you, Benedict! Maybe the Tumblr rumors are true. Maybe Benedict really is an  alien from a planet where emotions don’t exist, because how can you call that vaguely attractive? I am not-so-vaguely disgusted!

QOTD: The Silver Fox Came Out To Get More Dates

July 2nd is an extra special gay holiday for two reasons. It’s the day we celebrate the birth of the Crystal Enchantress of the Ice Johnny Weir. July 2nd is also International Anderson Cooper Coming Out Day and we celebrate it by taking off of work to watch a GIF of the Silver Fox giggling on a loop. Last night at the University of Texas at Arlington, Anderson Cooper joked that we owe International Anderson Cooper Coming Out Day to his need for more dates.

While speaking in front of an audience of 6,000 at UT Arlington, the Silver Fox talked about coming out and said that he never hid his love of peen from family, friends and co-workers and only publicly came out so more dudes would hit on him. Is there any other reason to publicly come out? via the Star-Telegram:

Cooper said he didn’t hide his sexual orientation from his family and coworkers. “Being born gay is one of the great blessings of my life,” he said.

He joked that he came out when he decided he wanted to get asked out on more dates. Still, he said, there are some “very determined young ladies.”

Determined young ladies are still trying to get on his ass? Yeah, I know who he’s talking about. Selena Gomez, come get Taylor Swift and tell that shameless beard to stop hitting on Anderson! Some beards can’t stop and won’t stop. Clay Aiken better get some beard-repellant, because Taylor’s probably going to hit on him next.

But seriously, Anderson Cooper ain’t shit for saying he wanted more dates. That is obviously a lie. Do you know how many times I’ve stuffed the CNN tip line with date invites for him and how many times I’ve stood outside of his and his boyfriend’s firehouse with my cheeks spread while screaming, “Come and get it!” All I’ve gotten in return is a restraining order and a one-way ticket out of NYC. What am I? Chopped liver? Actually, “chopped liver” is exactly what my doctor calls my down-low parts.

QOTD: Kate Winslet On People Calling Her A Trashy Slut For Having 3 Kids With 3 Different Husbands

When Kate Winslet told everyone that her womb was full of a third kid she made with her third husband Ned Rocknroll, most people wondered if she would give her kid the last name Rocknroll (SPOILER ALERT: She didn’t) and some freaks called her a mega tramp. Some ridiculous ass writers even wrote entire articles about how Kate Winslet is an immoral slut stain on society for having 3 babies with 3 husbands. (Side note: “Immoral Slut Stain on Society” is what I write under occupation on my tax returns). Glamour UK asked the big baby-making, man-marrying slut harlot whore herself what she thinks about it and she spit out this dollop of FUCK YOU on a bed of sarcasm.

“No one has a right to comment on anyone’s life or the choices I do or don’t make. It’s very easy to be judgmental until you know someone’s truth. People have no idea at all. It baffles me, truly, that you can publicly treat a person like that. It’s not very nice. I’m really sorry to the nation’s press that I fell in love and got pregnant; I do apologize if you deem that irresponsible.”

I think what Kate meant to say was, “I’m really sorry to the nation’s press that I fell in love, got pregnant, fell in love, got pregnant, fell in love and got pregnant,” but we all know what she means. And Kate kept the FUCK YOUs coming by saying this after Glamour asked her if her kid’s going to have the last name Rocknroll.

“We haven’t ever really had that conversation; it was always going to have my name. Mia and Joe have it as part of their name, so it would be weird if this baby didn’t. Of course we’re not going to call it RocknRoll. People might judge all they like, but I’m a fucking grown-up.”

Translation: Kate Winslet is dickmatized enough to marry a dude with the last name Rocknroll, but she’s not dickmatized enough to give her kid that last name. And speaking of dicks, you all can go back to e-mailing, DMing and texting everyone you know about the Double Dick Bi Dude from Reddit. And I can go back to fantasizing about all the things you can do with conjoined twin dicks (examples: DP without all the legs, make ’em clap, make ’em slap my face cheeks at the same time, braid ’em, etc.. etc…).

QOTD: LeAnn Rimes Thought About Sex During Her Tribute To Patsy Cline

Seen above looking like a cross-eyed, lame horse trying to sneeze and push out a hard turd at the same time, LeAnn Rimes tells Entertainment Tonight that during her tribute to Patsy Cline at the American Country Awards last night,  she thought about wet humping to keep the tears coming out. Well, since Brandi Glanville is getting attention for saying that black people can’t swim, LeAnn had to do something to also get a little attention. So it was either pose for the paps in a confederate flag bikini at a KKK rally or say this shit:

“It was intense. … And about halfway through Crazy, you see people start to cry and then you’re like, ‘oh my God.’ My guitar player, he’s always giving me the tricks that work — always think about sex when you start to cry — and I was thinking about sex a lot throughout the whole thing. … By the end of it, it was just such an emotional moment for me.”

That’s funny, because while she was singing “Crazy” and thinking about sex, Eddie Cibrian was thinking about sex too! Yes, he was thinking about having sex with someone other than her, but he was still thinking about sex.

That’s a good trick, though, and it might work for everybody. The next time tears are about to squirt out of your eye holes and you don’t want them to, think about LeAnn Rimes fucking (SPOILER ALERT: That’s her O face above). There’s a 50/50 shot that trick will work. It’ll either make all your orifices and eye sockets dry up real quick or you’ll cry even more.

(Pic via AP)