Nicki Minaj Continues To Redefine Taste And Class With The Artwork For Her Latest Single

The normally timid and reserved Nicki Minaj teased the release of her new single “Anaconda” by posting the artwork to Instagram today, and it truly is an example of refined elegance and chaste beauty. In keeping with the snake theme, Nicki wrapped her butter-basted honey baked silicone butt hams in pink rubber bands to mimic a giant anaconda attempting to swallow an over-inflated PogoBall. It’s a bit subtle, but understated imagery has always been a defining characteristic of her work. While a less-modest woman might have agreed to take a raunchy picture with her legs open or her pussy-out, Nicki decided to keep it classy by coyly turning her coochie away from the camera, as if to say: “Let’s leave a little something to the imagination, shall we?” My goodness, such a tease!

And even though it looks trés gauche next to such a demure lady, it’s a good thing she added the parental advisory warning to the lower right-hand corner, otherwise people might mistake it for an advertisement for a finishing school. Of course, Nicki Minja isn’t always such a tasteful classy woman; sometimes (read: all the fucking time) she’s a shady wig-snatching bitch. Like when she took to Twitter yesterday to take some not-so-subtle swipes at Australian rapper Iggy Azalea.

If Nicki is truly striving for greatness, she should have called a bitch out by name. It’s too easy to Twitter hiss in someone’s general direction; you’ve got to challenge yourself! Don’t be cutting corners, Nicki – continue to strive for cunty greatness! Go for the froat next time!

Pic: Instagram

Kim Kardashian Brought Her Own Flotation Devices To Khloe’s Birthday Boat Party

I always thought Wookiees were terrified of water, but Khloe Kardashian proved me wrong by renting out a party boat and celebrating her 30th birthday party cruising around the Hudson River in New York. All of Lucifer’s best hoes were in attendance: Pimp Mama Kris, the slow one, the other slow one, the slow one who can’t read. But the Botoxed belle of the ball was the always elegant and demure narcoleptic porn star and Playboy model Kim Kardashian.

Earlier in the day, Kim was seen sashaying around town looking like a busted $2 dildo, but she knew that simply stuffing her XXXL rubber ass into an XXS tube dress wouldn’t be enough to steal the spotlight from Khloezilla. So she changed into a tacky little number from the Fredrick’s of Hollywood “Budget Brothel Madam” collection and made an eye-catching entrance with her over-inflated saline water balloons hanging out.  Truly a dignified woman of refined taste and class.

Kim wouldn’t be Kim unless she was fucking something up (or just “fucking something”, really). Everyone was responsible for bringing an item to the party, and Kim’s job was to bring enough floatation devices in the event God heard our prayers and capsized the boat. Of course, Kim forgot she had to do anything but show up looking like a vacant piece of wax fruit, so her doctor only injected her with enough expandable foam to keep her buoyant in the event of an emergency. Thankfully, the birthday girl brought enough floatation devices for the whole family:

Here’s more of Kim looking like a slutty peacock (“Pee cock? Where?!? Mom, get the camera and a release form!” – Kim) and the rest of Pimp Mama Kris’s krotch ghouls arriving at Khloezilla’s 30th birthday party on Friday night, including some very touching pictures of Khloe and her current Shrek-looking famewhore piece French Montana. You know, for a mouth-breather who always looks like they’re two seconds away from barfing, Kim seemed very comfortable getting on that boat; probably because, just like boats, she also knows what it’s like to be filled with seamen.

Pics: Splash

Kim Kardashian Brought Her Signature Demure Modesty To Bonnaroo Last Night

Bonnaroo, the moonshine-drinkin’ country cousin of Coachella, is happening this weekend on a farm in Tennessee, and Satan’s highest-earning hooker with facial narcolepsy (it’s a niche market, but money is money) decided to join her current husband Kanye Kardashian as he performed last night. Sadly, it looks like nobody informed Kim Kardashian that Bonnaroo is a casual music festival, because she arrived a bit over-dressed for the occasion. She probably got confused when Kanye told her where they were going, and she assumed it was a fancy French restaurant, spelled “Bon à Roux”.

Kim flew to Tennessee with Kanye so that she could watch his performance Instagram pictures of herself looking like a ladylike vision of refined class and good taste. Did you feel the earth move just now? That was Grace Kelly and Audrey Hepburn spinning in their graves like goddamned Black & Decker drills as they marvel at such natural, not-at-all Botoxed to hell and back beauty.

Sadly, the audience behind Kim didn’t get a chance to appreciate her klass and sophistikation; they were too busy wondering where the smell of rancid cosmetics was coming from and checking the bottom of their shoes to see if they’d accidentally stepped in cow shit.

Here’s more of High Klass Kim showing off what $200 will get you from Kris’s Diskount Kall Girls (“Drowsy, dumb, diskreet…call Satan now”) at Bonnaroo. I heard this morning that in honor of Kim’s visit to Tennessee, they’re changing the state flower from an iris to a coco de mer.

Pics: Instagram

As Usual, These Two Kept It Klassy At The Upfronts By Talking About Their Vaginas

Daaaaayum Satan, are you looking at these two plasticine ghouls? You let them go full-Kidman! It’s your responsibility as their boss to tell these two to go easy on the face fillers. I don’t care how much they beg you for more discount Botox-style injectible latex, you have to put your foot down; they make their money on E!, not Syfy.

Speaking of E!, Satan’s drowsiest hooker and the jewel in Pimp Mama Kris’s pimp cane, Low Klass Kim, and her sister from another Wookiee mister Khloe Kardashian were in New York on Thursday to pimp out their basic (accent on the basic) cable reality show Keeping Up With The Trash Bag Butts at the NBCU Cable Upfronts presentation. And in case anyone had forgotten what got these dumb skanks famous in the first place, Khloe reminded everyone by explaining how she helped her sister get ready that morning:

“Her vagina, she thought was out earlier, and I said, ‘we have to do vagina checks.’ Like if you have a slit (in your skirt). I said, ‘No, Kim, your vag is tucked away perfectly.’ So is mine. My (bleeped out) is tucked away, her vagina is tucked away.”

Huh, who knew you couldn’t say “sarlacc pit pussy pouch” on E!. But seriously, if Kim ever needed someone to teach her how to hide that pussy, it’s Khloe. I know I refer to the Kardashians as being useless (they are, go on) but Khloe’s got an A+ tuck game. Sure, homegirl has a meatier tuck than a steak-smuggling beef thief, but she knows her way around industrial-grade Spanx and rolls of weatherstripping tape. Just remember Kim, don’t let Khloe tuck your vagina away all the time, or you’ll never make any money again.

Here’s more of Kim and Khloe at the upfronts yesterday. My say something nice is this: I don’t know what Kim’s makeup artist Frank Hillard has been doing differently, but she almost looks life-like in some of these pictures (I said some, not all – don’t book me a room at Calmwood just yet). And my say something truthful is that Khloe needs to go back to the workroom and fix those butt pads. Is there a budget crisis in Hell? Can you not afford to stuff your ass with anything better than the insides of a cheap throw pillow?

Pics: Splash

Beep Beep Hoes, Elegance And Refined Beauty Coming Through!

Kendall, I know you walked in a Chanel show once and Anna Wintour knows your name and you’ve eaten nothing but celery and ambition for the past 6 months, but that don’t make you no supermodel hunny. Turn your head to the right and address Miss Khloe as “The Bus”, because she’s taking you to school. Take notes, bitch! This is how you give lot lizard She-Hulk realness.

Khloe Kardashian took Kendall Jenner and Scott Disick to a Rick Ross concert Friday night and she was obviously pre-gaming with Bruce Jenner, because this Daytona Beach Bike Week cycle-slut outfit has his sabotaging stink all over it. Don’t get me wrong: Khloe has never looked hotter than she does dressed as a grizzly bear Pretty Woman, but it’s also a fucking mess. Only Brucie would convince Khloe that she could cram 10lbs of pussy into 3lbs of coochie-cutters. Brucie, you cruel bitch, you! Remember, jealousy turns a 10 into a 6 (as if Brucie would ever fall lower than 8.5).

And the second she heard the ho stroll screaming out in pain from being stomped to death, RuPaul dropped what she was doing and rushed to teach Khloe how to sissy that walk.

(Pics: Splash)

Kim Kartrashian’s Quadruple-Stuffed Chalupa Ass Is Back On Instagram

Lucifer keeps rage tweeting at Pimp Mama Kris to get her whores to whore harder since his proudest creation, the Kartrashian Kingdom, is slowly crumbling, so she screamed at her prized ho to get that fat ass on Instagram for attention. Kim Kartrashian posted this demure and graceful picture on Instagram and I’m pretty sure she took it in the back room of a sleazy massage parlor/underground whore house that’s about to get shut down by the cops because of human trafficking.

Kim recently farted about how she lost 25 pounds from the Atkins diet. Shoving pieces of meat in her mouth has never done Kim wrong. It made her a star and it helped her to lose some chunk.

And right after she posted this picture of her asshole sucking in her swimsuit, Kanye tweeted this:

“@KimKardashian: #NoFilter http://t.co/EWveUYTi3y” HEADING HOME NOW

— KANYE WEST (@kanyewest) October 17, 2013

Kanye isn’t running home because he wants to hump that. Kanye’s running home, because he told Kim to wear the black patent leather Givenchy two-piece in her fame whore selfie and instead she totally disrespected him by wearing this white shit. Even Kim doesn’t respect Kanye as the fashion icon he is!