The “Over The Moon” Watch: The Alien Lizard King Benedict Cumberbatch Is Going To Be A Father

So it begins… It was the Mayans who said (they didn’t say this) that in the year 2014, a human will mate with an alien lizard king visiting from another planet and months later she will give birth to an all-powerful baby who will take over the world and capture us all. They were right. Soon, we’re all going to be Cumberbtiches whether we like it or not.

Benedict Cumberbatch’s rep tells E! News that his fiancee of two months Sophie Hunter is carrying a cumberbaby in her womb. When asked for a comment, Oscar rival Eddie Redmayne said, “Oh yeah, oh yeah, well my WIFE is pregnant with quadruplets and we’ve already named them Oscarella, Oscarina, Oscartina and Oscarola.” Even though I’m obsessed with the Cumberbitches (does that mean I’m a Cumberbitchbitch?), I haven’t been to Tumblr yet, so I have no idea if it’s crumbled from the weight of 10,000 word posts written by his hardcore fans who think it’s sad that their God’s team is making him get engaged and make a baby just to win a trophy. Or maybe they haven’t written any posts like that, because they were too busy using their fingers to poke out their eyes after reading the worst thing they’ve ever read.

Here’s the statement from B. Cums’ rep:

“I am delighted to confirm that Benedict Cumberbatch and Sophie Hunter are expecting their first child. They are both over the moon.”

Yes, they said “over the moon,” but it doesn’t bother me. They probably went over the moon literally while traveling to his home planet to share the happy news with his subjects.

In case you missed them, here’s pictures of Sophie’s “bump” at the Palm Springs International Film Festival over the weekend.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

The “Over The Moon” Watch: Little Sprout And The Jolly Ukrainian Giant Are Parents Now

I watch Nashville every single week (surprisingly, that isn’t the most embarrassing thing I’ve admitted on this site) and it feels like for the past 100 episodes, Hayden Panettiere’s character has been having (NASHVILLE SPOILER ALERT) pregnant drama and crying out tears over her baby father, Luke & Laura’s son, not forgiving her for fucking Kate Hudson’s brother. So it feels like a baby has been growing in her body for years. It’s like she’s been on the Jessica Simpson schedule. But after being knocked up for forever (9 months to be exact), Hayden birthed out her first kid with future husband Wladimir Klitschko on Tuesday. In a birth announcement to People, Hayden and Wladimir announced their daughter’s name and told us what she weighed in at. They also made my nerves break by using “Over the moon.” Couldn’t they have switched shit up by saying that they’re “above Neptune” or something?

Daughter Kaya Klitschko weighed in at 7 lbs., 14 oz., and measured 20 inches.

“We are over the moon and madly in love!” the proud new parents tell PEOPLE.

Just when I was beginning to think that reading baby announcements was safe again, because we as a people have gotten over “over the moon,” Hayden and Wladimir remind me that it’s alive and well. But I won’t hold it against Hayden. You too would be flying over all of the planets and natural satellites if you mated with a giant and gave birth to an average-sized kid. Because ancient folklore says that when a forest gnome makes a baby with a giant, her spine breaks and her little body is ripped in two during birth. So she’s probably really happy that didn’t happen.

Congratulations to Little Sprout and the Jolly Ukrainian Giant! I like the name Kaya Klitschko, because it sounds like the name of a badass Bond girl and it also tells me that Hayden and Wladimir must be big fans of scripted MTV shows that lasted one season.

Rachel Zoe Popped Out Another Boy

Rachel Zoe and her husband, Rodger Berman, announced the arrival of their second baby on Twitter (via USWeekly) last night. They are already parents to two-year old Skyler.

“So excited to welcome our baby boy into the world…he’s 7 lbs 12 oz, beautiful, healthy and we couldn’t be happier,” she shared with fans.

Maybe I’m still riding the high of meeting my two-week old nephew for the first time last night, but my first reaction to reading that Rachel gave birth to her second child was “Awwww!” And then I remembered this is Rachel Zoe, did a quick Google image search to see if the kid has a chance of getting some good genes from his father so he won’t grow up to look like a scavenged chicken wing and found this picture. Here’s to hoping that baby likes guy liner and the hairstyle I realized too late back in 2001 screams “moderately successful small market real estate agent”.

Rachel’s scrawny ass has to be chapped to high hell that she doesn’t have a girl to play dress up with. She and Rodger had better get to fuckin’ before her ovaries shrivel up into golden raisins to match her forehead if she’s going to have an opportunity to raise a daughter who will spend her formative years at fashion shows trailing after a starving praying mantis and having playdates with the salesgirls at Chanel.

(Pic: Wenn.com)

The “Over The Moon” Watch: Kim And Kanye Are Having A Girl

That sound you’re hearing in you right ear is Pimp Mama Kris screaming with joy over getting a new one to pimp out on the stroll and that sound you’re hearing in your left ear is Kim’s fetus wailing at thought of inheriting all of the shitty sausage casings her mother calls clothes. Because UsWeekly says that Kanye Kardashian and Kim Kardashian found out that she’s having a girl. The news that Kim and Kanye are procreating together is bad enough, but UsWeekly’s source had to make it worse by dropping an OTM violation on our eyes. The source just had to say that these two are over Kim’s ass about having a baby girl to pimp out:

“They’re over the moon!” a source close to the first-time parents-to-be tells Us. “Kanye always wanted a girl.”

The couple’s daughter, due in July, will no doubt be very well dressed. “If anyone knows Kanye, they just know how into fashion he is, and I think he’s going to have things specially made,” Kim said of the rapper and fashion designer on Jimmy Kimmel Live in January. “So I don’t think hand-me-downs are going to work.”
“He is so excited,” she gushed. “It’s really cute how excited he is.”

That tortured child is already going to have to deal with being named Krisonda (Kris + Donda) Kardashian and she’ll also to have to deal with all the jacked up clothes that Kanye is going to throw on her body. I hope Baby Krisonda likes wearing leather onesies, ostrich feather ponchos, python skin caftans, suede diapers and dresses so tight that she’ll have to learn how to burp through her butt.

Here’s the future Mother of the Year burning eyes with her knocked up kamel toe while leaving the gym yesterday.

The Posthumous “Over The Moon” Watch: Princess Diana Edition

It’s one thing to violate the laws of everything by spewing out the words “over the moon,” but it’s an even bigger crime when you stuff that overused phrase in the mouth of a woman who isn’t even here to knee you in the asshole for putting those words in her mouth. Marie Sutton, an evil heart hurter who looks like this, claims to be a close friend of the late Princess Diana, but they obviously weren’t that close if Marie is doing her like this. Marie tells Life & Style that if Princess Diana was alive today, the news that she’s going to be a grandma would’ve made her throw herself over the great big crater in the universe. As the earth rolled from Princess Diana spinning in her grave, Marie said this:

“The pregnancy is just such marvelous news and Diana would be over the moon, absolutely. I think she would have loved Kate – everyone seems to love her, she’s very easy-going and has a beautiful family. I think Diana would have blended in very well with the Middletons.”

We as a people are supposed to evolve and part of evolving is keeping “over the moon” out of our mouths. But instead of doing that, we’re now making people who literally can’t say it, say it! We have got to do better. It’s as if Marie hates Princess Diana. Wait a minute…. Are we sure Life & Style spoke to the actual Marie Sutton? I bet your ass it was Morrissey doing a Marie Sutton voice. Bitch pranked Life & Style. Is there anything he won’t do to fuck with the royal family? Shameless.

Here’s Prince William, whose head is sort of looking like a moon, meeting Cate Blanchett and the rest of the cast of The Hobbit at tonight’s premiere in London.

Peaches Geldof Is Already Knocked Up Again

Just 7 months after birthing out her first kid Astala, Rotten Peaches Geldof told Hello Magazine (via The Sun) that another baby moved up into her womb 3 and a half months ago. Well, when you’re Peaches Geldof, what else is there to do? One half of the day is spent prying your kid off of the sidewalk and the other half is spent squeezing a baby batter load out of your man. You can’t blame Peaches, because if your husband looked like a middle-aged Eurasian lesbian who teaches women’s studies at Vassar, you too would constantly ride that shit until a baby popped out.

Peaches is already telling the world what she’s having and she and her piece Thomas Cohen have already picked out a name. They’re going to name that poor kid PHAEDRA PHAE.DRA.

“It’s a name that comes from an ancient Greek play. But it also features in a song Tom and I both love called Some Velvet Morning by Lee Hazlewood. Finding out I was pregnant again so soon was quite a shock. Tom was so happy. He loves being a dad so much and is brilliant with Astala, who totally adores him, so he was over the moon. I, on the other hand, did have a momentary panic and go, ‘Oh my God, we’re going to have a one-year-old and a one-month-old! How will we cope?’ But Tom was so supportive and relaxed, it banished my doubts and I started imagining the two boys growing up together as the best of friends. It will be great for Astala to have Phaedra to play with.”

Never mind Peaches’ obvious Over the Moon violation, bitch is naming a boy Phaedra. There’s only one way to express my feelings on Peaches naming her son PHAEDRA:

Yes, that name deserves Phaedra Parks’ signature side-to-side eye roll. And here’s some pictures of Baby Astala. I know, Peaches’ coat looks so shiny and luscious in those pictures.