The “Over The Moon” Watch: Adele Is Having A BAYBEEEEE!

Just when I thought that this Friday would be like every other day this week, slower than Kristen Stewart, the news keeps pouring out. The drought is over (today at least). First we hear that Katie Holmes has finally crawled out of Scientology’s asshole and now Adele tells us that she’s knocked up. Adele announced on her site today that she’s going to have her first baby with her boyfriend Simon Konecki. And today is one of those days where I don’t even give a fuck that Adele launched herself over the moon while writing this statement on her iPad. Bitch only gets one OTM warning, though, and this is it!

Im delighted to announce that Simon and I are expecting our first child together. I wanted you to hear the news direct from me, obviously we’re over the moon and very excited but please respect our privacy at this precious time. Yours always, Adele xx

Everybody should respect Adele’s privacy at this precious time, but only because she’s going to yodel out every detail about it in her next album anyway. Adele is going to go from singing about getting burned by a lovah to singing about making babies. I can already see the song titles…Spermin’ in the Deep, Chasing Pampers, Set Fire to the Nappies, etc….

Here’s Adele and her piece Simon and their first child, a puppy, earlier this year.

Dreamy Is Somebody’s Father Again!

Pete “Dreamboat” Doherty looks about as clean as a subway rat’s torn off hemorrhoid floating in a Port-A-Potty toilet at the Gathering of the Juggalos, and yet he’s still in my Top 5 for reasons that are probably written down on my medical file at the free clinic. But even though I’m a disgusting piece of trash who may or may not have been known to put his retainer right back on after drunk barfing it out into a public toilet, I still wouldn’t let Dreamboat’s bare dick near me without injecting it with the cure from Contagion first. I’d also have to get a rat to nibble the cheese off and then I’d mummify it with condom shreds dipped it in Barbicide. But that’s just me and Dreamy’s ex-girlfriend Lindi Hingston is not like me. Lindi did it bareback-style with Dreamy and nine months later out popped a baby girl she named Aisling Doherty.

The South African model told the South African Sunday (via Daily Mail) that Aisling was born on Boxing Day of last year. Lindi called Dreamy when he was locked up in prison and told him that his son Astile now has a half-sister. Dreamy wants to visit Aisling, but he’s on probation right now and can’t leave the country. The worst part of all of this is what Dreamy said about the birth of Aisling. Dreamy said he was:

OVER THE MOON!!!!!

You know, I’m going to let that one slide, because Dreamy was probably hallucinating on (insert the name of any mind-altering substance here and you won’t be lying) and he was flying over the moon in his head.

The Daily Mail has pictures of young Aisling Doherty and she looks so pure and so innocent to the fact that her biological daddy is on The Health Department’s Most Wanted List. No, truthfully, I’m sure Dreamy will make a wonderful father. Dreamy will teach Aisling that if you never brush your teeth, you’ll have a four-course meal stuck in your molars. So when the the apocalypse hits, all of us will be starving while Dreamy will be eating a full meal off of his teeth. See, we can all learn something from Dreamy. Oh, Aisling, why so lucky?

The Third Party “Over The Moon” Watch

Well, I guess even Robert Downey Jr.’s wife Susan Downey has that one chismeando auntie who always sits right next to the food table at family reunions to scoop up the gossip with her ear holes so that she can pour it out later through her mouth hole to her husband as he eats the smashed piece of sheet cake she brought him because a stupid soccer game was on TV and he wasn’t even trying to go to that party.

(Side rant: Whenever my mom brought me a piece of cake from a party, why did she almost always make it “car ride safe” by stuffing it between two Styrofoam plates before wrapping it in Reynolds? The frosting would always end up on one plate, and the cake on the other. When cake and frosting get together, they’re in it until the end. They aren’t mean to be separated. It’s like giving me a hard dick on one plate and its cum shot on the other. It makes no sense. Cake and frosting work together to make a beautiful special moment and when you tear them apart, you’re just fucking with nature. There’s got to be a better way.

And if you’re about to say to me, “But Michael, what about those individual cake piece containers from Tupperware you can buy at Target,” then I’m about to throw you a lip smack and an eye roll on behalf of my entire family. Individual cake piece containers? Bitch, stop. We’re not a family of Martha Fucking Stewarts. As far as I know, Juan Pollo, the place we get all of our family reunion food, does not provide you with individual cake piece containers. I KNOW! How uncouthy of them. Although, sometimes I’ll wash off one of the Styrofoam containers the chicken came in and use that to take some cake home. But now we’re Inceptioning this bitch, because we’re about to get into a rant inside of a rant. Let’s just stop now. Put on your lip gloss, plump your chichis and let’s get back to the main event.)

So Susan’s auntie Nancy Miller (it’s ALWAYS a Nancy) called up Radar and whispered into their phone pieces that she knows her niece has got an iron fetus growing in her womb:

“I think it’s wonderful that she’s pregnant. The baby is due in February. Susan’s father, my brother, called me about three weeks ago with the good news. Her parents are over the moon about it. It [doesn’t] really matter if it’s a boy or a girl. What really matters is that the baby is healthy.”

No, Tia Nancy, what really matters is that you’re dribbling out talk about your niece’s uterus situation to hos outside of the family circle and you probably did it for a check. That is ALMOST worse than bringing a bitch smashed cake. But what’s even worse than that is putting an OVER THE MOON violation into the mouths of Susan’s parents. That’s like saying that Susan’s parents put on a pair of CROCS and kicked a kitten in the neck. Just illegalness all around.

This will be RDJ and Susan’s first baby friend together. RDJ has an almost 18-year-old son named Indio. I really hope RDJ keeps with the Riverside County theme and names his new kid La Quinta.

And as I was about to hit publish on this shit, RDJ just confirmed the news with this statement:

“Robert and Susan could not be more excited over this news. They can’t wait to welcome this new baby into their wonderful family.”

But you’re still on notice, Tia Nancy!

The “Over The Moon” Watch: Denise Richards Edition

Denise Richards usually looks like she was just caught in the headlights of a spaceship that flew over the moon on an empty tank of gas before crashing outside of Charlie Sheen’s octagon, but that doesn’t mean she has the right to commit a first-degree OVER THE MOON violation, but she just did! Denise has adopted a new baby friend from here in the US and announced it on Twatter last night:

Thank you all for your sweet messages. The girls and I are over the moon and so is my dad Grandpa Irv…xo
11 hours ago via web

Denise named her third daughter Eloise Joni after her mother who died of cancer 4 years ago.

Look, my soul is planking over a puddle of happiness (not really) that Denise got herself a baby who doesn’t have a drop of tiger blood and doesn’t have to play nice with the warlock’s whores every other week. Good for her etc..etc… But Denise going satellite humping over adopting a kid is inexcusable as is her stuffing words into Grandpa Irv’s mouf! Grandpa Irv would never beat the dead moon with his mouth like so many celebwhores do!

Denise knows what it feels like to have overexcited strangers on top of her and yet she does the same thing to the moon?! Shame: I’m serving Denise a giant cup of some!

And woe is Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller’s twin boys, because even though they wrote “PLEASE SAVE US” in their slobber on Denise’s driveway every morning, she didn’t get the hint. Oh, well, they can always resubmit their transfer applications to the wolves again.

via UsWeekly

The “Over The Moon” Watch: The Nikki Cox & Jay Mohr Edition

Somewhere in Los Angeles today, Nikki Cox felt an intense kicking in her huge lips, she bit down and out came a tiny leg followed by a full grown baby. Don’t worry, the medical team at the hospital stuffed a rubber python in there, patched it up and now they’re back to looking like two fat skin slugs 69ing each other. Meanwhile, Jay Mohr announced the birth of their new son, Meredith Daniel Mohr, to People and dropped a first-degree Over the Moon violation. It’s a first-degree offense, because it was premeditated and Jay knew he was doing wrong.

“We are over the moon, filled with joy and every other cliché new parents use. He’s perfect.”

Old-timey people from prairie times named their sons Meredith, so Jay and Nikki get a pass on the name even though they’re not old-timey people from prairie times. But the Over the Moon is unacceptable, because Jay knew what he was doing and he did it anyway. Couldn’t he have used something else instead of the moon? The moon is sick of being used like this! Jay could’ve said he’s over his wife’s lips. This would’ve been a better choice of words for two reasons: a) Jay can physically go over his wife’s lips and b) his wife’s lips are bigger than the moon.

The “Over The Moon” Watch: Mariska Hargitay Edition

Didn’t Mariska Hargitay get today’s memo that she can’t spit out an Over the Moon violation unless she has felt the heat of Luna’s back as the two jump over the friend of her choice wearing a moon costume? Well, technically the OTM didn’t leap off of Mariska’s tongue. It came from her 4-year-old son August’s mouth, which is actually worse. This is what our pre-schools are teaching our children? They teach them how to abuse the moon?

August better eat a bar of soap and put $20 (inflation) in the swear jar, because that is the worst swear phrase of all swear phrases! And while August is doing that, LOOK AT THE BABY!!!!

A blind item might have found its answer, because Mariska Hargitay announced to People that she and her husband Peter Hermann adopted a tiny babyling from the United States last week. They have named her Amaya Josephine. All the details from People including August’s double slap to the moon:

“I’m deliriously happy,” Hargitay, 47, tells PEOPLE. “From the minute she was born, she was just surprisingly alert and so full of love.”

“We were considering both international and domestic adoption and we’re thrilled that this is the way our prayers were answered,” she adds. “We talked a lot about mixed-race adoptions, and we are very excited that we are now a multi-racial family. We’re just so happy she’s here.”

And there’s one family member who’s more excited than anyone: Hargitay’s 4-year-old son, August.

“He is over the moon,” says the actress. “He calls her his baby because he says the whole thing was his idea. He always talks about how he’s going to protect her. He’s going to be a great big brother.”

Baby Amaya looks like a little wise baby you’d find nestled at the foot of a tree after a long journey. You’d crawl up to her, practically dying of thirst and she’d throw out a life lesson before passing you a puff from a pipe. Amaya is probably so calm, because she’s saving her excitement and energy for when Uncle Christopher Meloni presses her against his warm chesticles.