Yesterday, I wrote about Us Weekly’s story that claimed Hayden Panettiere hasn’t seen much of her 4-year-old daughter Kaya, because she’s not exactly in a good place and doesn’t want her kid around that. Sources said that Kaya is living in Ukraine where she’s being raised by her dad Wladimir Klitschko and his mom. Hayden lives in Los Angeles. But Hayden’s current boyfriend, sometime actor/sometime real estate/full-time spokeswhore for her Brian Hickerson, said that UsWeekly’s story was wrong and that she was on vacation with her daughter right now. Well, Hayden wants everyone to know that Brian is telling the truth.
A little under a year after Hayden Panettiere gave birth to the baby she made with the Jolly Ukrainian Giant (pro boxer Wladimir Klitschko) to her Little American Sprout, she publicly announced that she was suffering from the stage 10 post-birth sads known as postpartum depression and checked into a treatment center to get help. This was at the end of 2015. In August 2018, we all found out that one of my favorite couples had broken up, and she moved on to aspiring actor/real estate agent (which is the occupation of 98% of the population in Los Angeles) Brian Hickerson. Hayden and Brian debuted their everlasting love on the stroll when they were swarmed by paparazzi as she drunkenly danced barefoot in the parking lot of a restaurant.
A few months after that, Hayden’s friends started whispering to the tabloids about how they’re worried about her, especially when she was involved in some drunken hillbilly family wreck between Brian and his dad in South Carolina. Brian, who seems to have his hand firmly up Hayden’s culo like a ventriloquist dummy and is doing the talking for her, said at the time that her friends are not worried about her and everything is fine. Well, according to UsWeekly, everything isn’t so fine, because Hayden hasn’t had much time with her daughter.
According to Us Weekly, Hayden Panettiere’s friends are concerned that her current relationship with stool molester (the wooden kind) Brian Hickerson is unhealthy. Hayden’s supposedly been behaving like she’s making up for all the Spring Breaks she missed because of her acting career. In addition to general foolery, the police visited Hayden, Brian, and Brian’s dad in South Carolina last month on a domestic disturbance call. In a statement to Access Hollywood, Brian said they’re just fine, and Hayden’s friends aren’t worried about her. He also wanted everybody to have a great day. He might be a bad influence-type but at least he’s a polite one.
One of my favorite couples Little Sprout (aka Hayden Panettiere) and the Jolly Ukrainian Giant (aka Wladimir Klitschko) became parents last December to a daughter Kaya. Hayden’s pregnancy was written into her show Nashville (which I watch and I can’t believe I keep admitting that out loud on this blog). Not long after Hayden’s character Juliette gave birth, she slowly slid into a postpartum depression spiral. Well, life is imitating primetime soap opera art, because Hayden’s rep says that she has gone off to rehab to be treated for PPD. Her rep gave this statement to UsWeekly.
“Hayden Panettiere is voluntarily seeking professional help at a treatment center as she is currently battling postpartum depression. She asks that the media respect her privacy during this time.”
While promoting, Nashville, Hayden talked about PPD since her character goes through it and she said on Live with Kelly and Michael that she relates and thinks some people brush it off like, “Oh, just drink some Tension Tamer Tea and you’ll be fine! That shit ain’t real!” Hayden said that PPD is something that needs to be talked about, which is probably why she’s letting it be known that she has it.
A few days ago, Hayden tweeted, “Feeling like I’m #finally coming back in to my own body!mother #daughter #blessing #wellworthit @bonesthenskin”
It’s a good thing that Hayden is getting help, but since I’m selfish, I wondered what does this mean for Nashville? Does it mean that Juliette won’t be in it that much anymore and so they’re going to give more screen time to annoying ass Scarlett? OH GOD. Get better, Hayden!
I watch Nashville every single week (surprisingly, that isn’t the most embarrassing thing I’ve admitted on this site) and it feels like for the past 100 episodes, Hayden Panettiere’s character has been having (NASHVILLE SPOILER ALERT) pregnant drama and crying out tears over her baby father, Luke & Laura’s son, not forgiving her for fucking Kate Hudson’s brother. So it feels like a baby has been growing in her body for years. It’s like she’s been on the Jessica Simpson schedule. But after being knocked up for forever (9 months to be exact), Hayden birthed out her first kid with future husband Wladimir Klitschko on Tuesday. In a birth announcement to People, Hayden and Wladimir announced their daughter’s name and told us what she weighed in at. They also made my nerves break by using “Over the moon.” Couldn’t they have switched shit up by saying that they’re “above Neptune” or something?
Daughter Kaya Klitschko weighed in at 7 lbs., 14 oz., and measured 20 inches.
“We are over the moon and madly in love!” the proud new parents tell PEOPLE.
Just when I was beginning to think that reading baby announcements was safe again, because we as a people have gotten over “over the moon,” Hayden and Wladimir remind me that it’s alive and well. But I won’t hold it against Hayden. You too would be flying over all of the planets and natural satellites if you mated with a giant and gave birth to an average-sized kid. Because ancient folklore says that when a forest gnome makes a baby with a giant, her spine breaks and her little body is ripped in two during birth. So she’s probably really happy that didn’t happen.
Congratulations to Little Sprout and the Jolly Ukrainian Giant! I like the name Kaya Klitschko, because it sounds like the name of a badass Bond girl and it also tells me that Hayden and Wladimir must be big fans of scripted MTV shows that lasted one season.
A little wider, Hayden, a little wider, just pull your hands about 10 more inches apart and then that’s what your gnome coochie tunnel is going to look like after a giant baby is pulled out of you.
If you watch Nashville, brace yourselves for a “Who’s the daddy?!” storyline, because UsWeekly says one night during a full moon, deep in the Enchanted Forest, the blonde garden gnome Hayden Pantyairs mated with the Ukrainian boxing giant Wladimir Klitschko and they made a fetus together. A source tells UsWeekly that 24-year-old Hayden isn’t half-assed pregnant, she’s “totally” pregnant with 38-year-old fiancé’s giant baby.
When Hayden and Wladimir fuck, it probably looks like a dormouse deep throating a fully grown zucchini, so I can only imagine how giant that baby is going to be. But really, when a garden gnome and a giant mate, will their baby be giant-sized, gnome-sized or somewhere in between? I guess we’ll know the answer if we see a knocked Hayden freaking out in pain as a giant baby leg hangs out of her twat and a giant baby arm hangs out of her mouth.