Category: Nick Lachey
“Malcolm In The Middle” Will Soon Be Malcolm In The Middle Of The Dance Floor
Another season of Dancing With the Stars (or as it’s known in my house, “Okay, but why is the British version called Strictly Come Dancing?“) will soon be upon us. Stars and the star-adjacent are begging their agents or whoever has a phone with a couple free minutes left on it to get them a spot on the 25th season. Handsome house fixer-upper and aspiring Hallmark movie boyfriend Drew Scott was the first to confirm that he has joined the cast. Great news for anyone who has ever wanted to see a come-to-life male department store mannequin attempt to cha-cha-cha. Another cast member that has been confirmed is former Malcolm in the Middle star and sometime mess Frankie Muniz.
Nick And Vanessa Lachey Are Parents Again
It’s a slow day on the ho stroll when we look at a birth announcement from Nick Lachey and his wife Vanessa and think, “news!“. But here we are. Apparently Nick still tours (when he’s not trying to get his weed farm off the ground) and Vanessa is a “tv personality” or whatever, but as Tori Spelling can attest, nothing guarantees a tabloid cover like a new mouth to feed.
Ohio Voters Did Not Make Nick Lachey A Weed Kingpin
Voters could’ve put the HIGH in Ohio yesterday voting to completely legalize the good shit, which might’ve made Nick Lachey, of all hos richer, than Jessica Simpson. But sadly for Nick Lachey, Ohio decided that they’d rather give their money to their local weed man than stick it between the hard tits of the dude from 98 Degrees.
A motley crew of Ohio weed farm owners (including Cincinnati’s own Nick Lachey, fashion designer Nanette Lepore, retired NBA star Oscar Robertson, football player Frostee Rucker and descendants of President Taft) put up as much as a total of $4 million to get a marijuana legalization bill to the voters. If the bill to make medicinal and recreational marijuana legal passed, 10 weed farms in Ohio, and only those 10 weed farms, would’ve been able to grow the good shit and sell it to dispensaries. Nick and his partners own one of the 10 farms. They paid $10 million for it, like the other farm owners. Of course, the owners wanted that shit to pass, because one study claimed that they’d collectively make $1.1 billion a year if it did.
Cleveland.com says that the weed bill, called Issue 3, won just 35.9% of the votes. Apparently, even some of the pot heads of Ohio threw a side-eye at the bill, because it would’ve turned the weed game into a monopoly. Nick Lachey cried out a green tear (it was green because he was thinking of all the money he’s losing out on) as he tweeted about being defeated.
While I may not agree, the people of Ohio have spoken and that's the way it's supposed to work. Change takes time. #democracy #respect
— Nick Lachey (@NickLachey) November 4, 2015
What’s really weird to me is that the second hottest dude in 98 Degrees owns a weed farm. Out of all the 90s boy banders, I would’ve guessed that Chris Kirkpatrick of N*Sync would be the one to own a weed farm, because he was obviously stoned into oblivion when he did his hair up like a rotten braided pineapple.
In other Ohio political news, Opal Covey, my choice for president in 2020, didn’t become Mayor of Toledo last night. She came in last place! So I’m guessing that all of the stoners of Toledo are smoking an illegal joint next to Opal Covey while watching God destroy their city with lightning bolts.
Pic: Wenn.com
Jessica Simpson’s Marriage To Nick Lachey Was Her Biggest Money Mistake
Jessica Simpson is still doing the media rounds to promote the 10th anniversary of being the luckiest bitch alive because she’s become mega rich from pointing at a pair of shoes in a line-up of samples while saying, “Purdy! Make those!” Jessica did an interview with CNBC’s Kelly Evans about her billion dollar business, her brand and decisions she’s made with her money. Jessica mostly just said that she has great people around her who have helped her build her fashion empire and have invested her millions of dollars well. When Kelly asked her what are some mistakes she’s made with her money, she paused for a second while the stoned hamster who runs her brain pulled his ass off of the sofa to jump on the wheel. Once he started running, Jessica said her first marriage was her biggest financial oops.
Kelly: What are some of the biggest money mistakes you’ve made, whether personally or with the business, that have helped you grow?
Jessica: The biggest money mistakes…. Hmmmm… I don’t know. For some reason I thought of my first marriage!
Kelly: That’s actually a common answer believe it or not.
Maybe TMZ got it wrong in 2006 and Nick Lachey stuffed a whole lot of cash between his juicy man pecs in the divorce. Because at the time, TMZ said that Nick agreed to take a smaller cut of their assets, because he didn’t want to deal with an ugly court fight. Jessica refused to sign a prenup when they got married, so under California law, their assets were to be divided up 50/50. But shady and greedy Papa Joe reportedly figured that Nick wouldn’t want to go through a messy court battle, so Papa Joe offered him $1.5 million to go away. Nick shat on that offer and they eventually agreed on a number. Nick apparently got more than $1.5 million but a lot less than 50% of their $36 million fortune. So if that report is right, then Jessica didn’t do so bad in the divorce. Besides, without that marriage and Newlyweds, she might not have her billion dollar brand and would be co-headlining a residency at a casino resort in Laughlin, NV with an Ace of Base cover band (actually, that sounds like a pretty glamorous gig). And Nick Lachey deserved EVERYTHING for suffering through that alleged game of grab ass with Papa Joe.
And here’s Jessica catching flies in NYC yesterday.
Pics: Splash
Nick Lachey And Vanessa Minnillo Had Another Baby
I know that manicured hand being gripped on to by that baby is that of Vanessa Minnillo, but it’s more fun to pretend it belongs to Nick Lachey (he seems like the sporty squoval type). I, like I’m sure many of you, forgot that Vanessa Mint Milano Cookies was knocked up with one of Nick Lachey’s white turtleneck-wearing bobo Channing Tatum sperms. But she was, and now she’s not anymore, because she gave birth to the baby living inside her yesterday. Vanessa announced the arrival of said baby by posting a picture to Instagram earlier today with the following caption that will no doubt make Michael K fly into a fit of rage and whip his Beverly Hills Teens pencil holder at the wall (thankfully I always keep a spare under my desk):
“Baby girl Lachey is finally HERE and we couldn’t be happier!!! All her sweet little details are on VanessaLachey.com. Thank you for all of the love and support, we are over the moon! Xx“
I got really excited thinking they had actually named their baby “Baby Girl Lachey”, but UsWeekly – who is clearly in thew business of crushing dreams – says her name is actually Brooklyn Elisabeth. She joins their other kid, 2-year-old Camden John. Brooklyn and Camden? It sounds like Nick and Vanessa have been choosing their kids’ names by throwing a dart at a map of the greater New York/New Jersey area. If that’s true, then I sincerely look forward to the possibility of a third baby named Schenectady Lachey. Unless there’s already a drag queen from upstate New York with that name, in which case, hands off Vanessa and Nick – that’s a hot name, and it doesn’t belong to you.
Pic: Instagram
Nick Lachey Doesn’t Miss Playing “Grab-Ass” Under The Simpson Family Table
98 Degrees were on Watch What Happens Live last night to promote their new album and Andy Cohen brought up The Simpsons (the crazy family of crazies, not the cartoons) during a game of Plead The Fifth. The sneaky Siamese Cat in a tie asked the buff bull frog what’s the best thing about not having Papa Joe as a father-in-law anymore. Nick Lachey twisted around on that question a bit before Drew Lachey shouted out, “EVERYTHING!” Then the memory bubble above Nick Lachey’s head filled with images of Simpson hands on his ass when he said this:
“The best thing about not having Joe Simpson as a father-in-law anymore is that I don’t have to play grab-ass under the table on Easter Sunday anymore.”
Okay, I’m interpreting that two ways:
1. Papa Joe was such a devout Christian pastor (HAHAHAHAHAHAH) that he wouldn’t allow any public displays of affection in front of his good Christian eyes, so Nick and Jessica had to grab at each other’s parts on the down low.
2. Papa Joe squeezed the ripest parts of Nick’s ass while blessing the food.
I thought it was #1, but then when I watched the clip below and I figured it was #2. If that’s the case, why in the hell did he stay in that family for so long? If I’m sitting there eating my delicious glazed ham and I feel the hand of a creepy holy man touching my hams while throwing me a wink, that’s my cue to drop my fork, ask for a to-go plate and get the hell out of there. Or I’d take my plate and eat out on the curb, across the street while wearing butt armor.
I’m still confused, so I’m just going to say that Jessica squeezed one of Nick’s ass cheeks while Papa Joe squeezed the other….and now I’m disturbed.