It Turns Out Bears Hate Justin Bieber’s Music As Much As Humans

File this in the empty dust-collecting folder marked: “Justin Bieber‘s useful contributions to society”. According to the Croatian Times (via TMZ), a 42-year-old man named Igor Vorozhbitsyn (hot name, hotter if he ever goes by “Bitsy”) had just parked his car and was heading to his favourite fishing spot in northern Russia’s Yakutia Republic when an angry bear jumped him from behind and started mauling his ass. Igor was sure that Not-So-Gentle Ben was about to send him on a one-way trip to the afterlife, but then his cellphone rang. Igor says the ringtone – Justin Bieber’s “Baby” – upset the bear so much that he took off:

“I couldn’t believe my luck when the phone went off and he fled. I know that sort of ringtone isn’t to everyone’s taste but my granddaughter loaded it onto my phone for a joke.”

“Damn, Dedushka, why you gotta play me like that? I never touched your phone” – Igor’s granddaughter, assuming she even exists, WHICH SHE TOTALLY DOESN’T (I’m on to you Bitsy, you lie-telling Bieber-loving Pepaw Judas).

I thought that humans were the only species who hear Justin Bieber’s voice and start clawing at their ears, but it looks like we can add bears to that list as well. That poor bear; I bet the second “Baby” hit his tiny ear holes, he ran back into the woods, screamed for his wife and kids to stop wiping their asses with toilet paper and grab him a sharp pine cone or a porcupine so he could stab out his eardrums, and when they couldn’t find anything, he begged them to find the hunter that took out Bambi’s mom.

And now I’m really confused, because I thought a bear would be into a twink like Justin Bieber?

Viagra For Your Ears: Brit Brit’s Singing Voice SANS Auto-Tune

Did I say “Viagra“? I meant boiling acid with bits of broken razors floating in it.

One of Brit Brit’s fans got a hold of and uploaded Brit Brit singing “Alien” from her album “Britney Jeans” before producers wrapped the musical condom known as auto-tune around the tattered, raw musical notes coming out of her mouth. Brit Brit’s fan did it, because they want to show the world that she’s practically the Southern Celine Dion and she doesn’t need auto-tune since has the voice of an angel and doesn’t at all sound like a tone-deaf cat on helium yelping in pain.

I wanted to show to everyone how well Britney does sing without any backvocal singers and her raw vocals. Her team and producers should explore more her raw voice, because it is really beautiful and powerfull.

It’s true and now I know why Brit Brit is always lip-synching. It isn’t, because she can’t sing live and has lazy vocal cords. It’s because human ears can’t handle her majestic and glorious singing voice. In fact, you should poke two holes in two pieces of paper and put them over your ears before pressing play or else her powerful voice will burn your ears off.

If YouTube rips down that video (because they hate natural artistry, obviously), click here to hear it.

via ONTD

Warning: Do Not Listen To Mimi’s New Song While Operating Heavy Machinery

I also don’t recommend you listen to the song at all, but that’s just my unsolicited medical advice (please just let me believe that the billions of hours I’ve wasted watching Dr. Oz make me some kind of medical expert. It’s all I have).

Mariah Carey, in association with The Silicone Awareness Initiative, debuted her new single You’re Mine (Eternal) at BET Honors Saturday night, but since there were only pictures and no audio, we had to put on our thinking caps and imagine what the song sounded like. Personally, I started with Touch My Body, threw in a handful of ‘oooohs’ and ‘babys’ from Honey, then remembered Mimi chose to perform the song by sitting on the stage like a walrus at SeaWorld waiting for her trailer to throw a fish into her mouth, and slowed it all dowwwwwn. And I was pretty close; You’re Mine (Eternal) was released today, but it’s much more monotonous and Mimi sounded much more drowsy. It sort of sounds like the shit they make you listen to when you do one of those overnight sleep studies, or when you’re trying to get a baby to sleep and you set the white noise machine to “calming metronome”. Even the lyrics are just so rudimentary and boring; it sounds like if Patrice Wilson stopped writing songs for 13-year-old girls and moved on to writing songs for grown women with the mentality of a 13-year-old girl. Mind is rhymed with mine so goddamned much, I kept checking to see if the song was co-written by Dem Babies and a Fisher-Price Laugh & Learn.

But the most offensive thing about this song (at least until a video is made, then all bets are off) is that lazily-Photoshoped stock picture of Conversation Hearts. Ah, Conversation Hearts: the grossest of Valentine’s Day candy. Nothing says “The Dollar Store was still open” like Conversation Hearts.

Here’s Mimi in NYC after debuting You’re Mine (Eternal) on Z100 this morning. Shit, even she can’t keep her eyes open after listening to it:

(Pics: Splash)

Next Time On RuPaul’s Drag Race…..

Well, one of my Christmas wishes was for Jinx Monsoon and Raven to play Mary Magdalene and Jesus in a disco Dynasty version of Jesus Christ Superstar and I guess this still is the closest I’m ever going to get to that.

On last night’s grand finale of The Voice (SPOILER ALERT: Someone whose album you’re not going to buy won), Lady CaCa and Xtina officially ended whatever cunt royale feud they were in by singing a duet of “Do What U Want” while trapped in some kind of bizarre Carrington mansion lesbionic fever dream.

There was so much screeching and grunting that it sounded like sketti night at Honey Boo Boo’s house or like John Travolta letting his growling Scientolohole loose on a bunch of unsuspecting massage therapists at a gay spa. But with that being said, I’d much rather hear Xtina sing this wreck of a song with Lady CaCa than R. Kelly. Because when R. Kelly sings “I could be the drink in your cup,” I have to pour 2 cups of boiling Clorox into my ear hole to erase the images of him saying that line while trolling a high school with nothing but a tarp and a full bladder. But when Xtina sings “…do what u want,” I just picture her serenading all the Bronzer sticks at the MAC Counter at Nordstrom. I’d much rather think about Xtina giving oral to a Bronzer stick…..

I’m torn and split my anus stitches about this campy disaster of a performance. On one hand, I’m into anything that looks like a reboot of Dynasty set in Eternia. On the other hand, Lady CaCa’s wig ruined this shit for me. She should’ve known to leave that hair on the wig head, because Jackie Rogers Jr., Ann Jillian and Agnetha from ABBA all worked it better than she ever could.

Katy Perry Lip-Synchs In France, Hurts Ears In Britain

The last time Katy Perry performed and offended a bunch of people, she was called a racist and accused of appropriating Asian culture was after her geisha-themed AMA performance. Her singing was also criticized, basically because it sounded like she had a train jumping the rails as her backing track. Last night, Katy’s X Factor UK performance of the same song didn’t disappoint as long as you are hard of hearing, the lights were dim and you have incredibly low standards. If shitty live vocals could give people an STD through their ears, the audience who had the misfortune of watching her at Wembley Stadium should have all been given a dose of antibiotics with their ticket purchase.

It didn’t seem to go much better for those watching at home and they tweeted everything from “what number to we call to vote off Katy Perry?” t0 #notgood and #myears. I’m kind of disappointed nobody is repping on behalf of all the ornithologists out there after Katy obviously appropriated bird culture by being lowered to the stage in a big ass cage. Where are all the “cagist” hashtags?

Aside from the X Factor shitshow, Katy’s performance at the NRJ Awards in Cannes, France on Saturday night didn’t go much better. Katy’s mic dropped her ass like third period French and the result was similar to how my seven year old sounds belting out “Roar” in the shower at the top of his lungs (“I have some pliers my friends are all liars ‘cuz I have a camp peon and you’re gonna hear me ROOOOOAR!“). The show’s producers threw a cold cup of water on the performance to get Katy to shut up and stopped it halfway through. Small miracles.

Here are some pics of Katy on the red carpet and onstage at the NRJ Awards. If you want the KP experience without the assault on your ears, play this cover of “Roar” in the background. All the awards!!!!

(Pics: Wenn)