Warning: Do Not Listen To Mimi’s New Song While Operating Heavy Machinery

I also don’t recommend you listen to the song at all, but that’s just my unsolicited medical advice (please just let me believe that the billions of hours I’ve wasted watching Dr. Oz make me some kind of medical expert. It’s all I have).

Mariah Carey, in association with The Silicone Awareness Initiative, debuted her new single You’re Mine (Eternal) at BET Honors Saturday night, but since there were only pictures and no audio, we had to put on our thinking caps and imagine what the song sounded like. Personally, I started with Touch My Body, threw in a handful of ‘oooohs’ and ‘babys’ from Honey, then remembered Mimi chose to perform the song by sitting on the stage like a walrus at SeaWorld waiting for her trailer to throw a fish into her mouth, and slowed it all dowwwwwn. And I was pretty close; You’re Mine (Eternal) was released today, but it’s much more monotonous and Mimi sounded much more drowsy. It sort of sounds like the shit they make you listen to when you do one of those overnight sleep studies, or when you’re trying to get a baby to sleep and you set the white noise machine to “calming metronome”. Even the lyrics are just so rudimentary and boring; it sounds like if Patrice Wilson stopped writing songs for 13-year-old girls and moved on to writing songs for grown women with the mentality of a 13-year-old girl. Mind is rhymed with mine so goddamned much, I kept checking to see if the song was co-written by Dem Babies and a Fisher-Price Laugh & Learn.

But the most offensive thing about this song (at least until a video is made, then all bets are off) is that lazily-Photoshoped stock picture of Conversation Hearts. Ah, Conversation Hearts: the grossest of Valentine’s Day candy. Nothing says “The Dollar Store was still open” like Conversation Hearts.

Here’s Mimi in NYC after debuting You’re Mine (Eternal) on Z100 this morning. Shit, even she can’t keep her eyes open after listening to it:

(Pics: Splash)