For Geriatric Vampires With Cataracts

This is not a step-by-step training video for wannabe vampire grannies on how to hunt and catch young pieces to suck the youth out of. This is Vadge’s commercial for her new line of fashionable cataract sunglasses. Because why shouldn’t an oldie look like a superstar sex object at the Bingo game?

Something tells me Vadge only put out a line of sunglasses so that she could partake in yet another photo shoot where she grinds her crotch all over a dude who is younger than the shoulder pads in her cheeks. No shade from me. Ride that gun, granny! Gititgitit.

Get It, Betty White

Well, this is one way of trying to kill the rumor that you’re fucking on your step-granddaughter. Betty White and Morgan Freeman were caught kissing on each other at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner on Saturday night. If you think this is sexy, you should see where their hands are. It’s a good thing Betty always keeps a bottle of Cheesecake-flavored lube and a string of Werther’s Original anal beads in her purse. Get a room (at the nearest retirement community), you horny sluts!

via SOW

And I’ve Officially Heard It All

I’m all for finding a person in the world who loves nothing more than to cuddle up on your genitals, but YOUR OWN ABUELITA?!

This story is as uncomfortable as a sex nightmare about one of your relatives. Meet 72-year-old Pearl of Indiana and her 26-year-old biological grandson Phil. They are in love and they are having a child together via a surrogate. From New Zealand’s New Idea:

Pearl Carter is positively glowing with joy. She has a handsome new boyfriend, is enjoying an active sex life after many years of celibacy and, amazingly, is preparing to become a mother again.

But the retired grandmother isn’t carrying the baby herself. She and her young lover have spent a staggering $54,000 hiring a surrogate to help them with their dreams of having a child.

What makes Pearl’s decision to become a mum again even more shocking is that her new boyfriend is her biological grandson, 26-year-old Phil Bailey.

Phil is the son of Pearl’s daughter Lynette Bailey, and the pair is braving public horror and even prison by breaking one of the last taboos – incest.

However, the pair makes no apologies for their controversial plan to start their own family.

‘I’m not interested in anyone else’s opinion,’ Pearl says. ‘I am in love with Phil and he’s in love with me. Soon I’ll be holding my son or daughter in my arms and Phil will be the proud dad’.

Phil adds, ‘I love Pearl with all my heart. I’ve always been attracted to older women and I think Pearl is gorgeous. Now I’m going to be a dad and I can’t wait.

Phil and Pearl didn’t meet until he was 18-years-old. Pearl gave Phil’s mother up for adoption shortly after she had her. Phil didn’t try to find Pearl until his mother died of brain cancer. Phil sent Pearl a letter which led to them meeting face to face. Pearl describes how her dry desert of a vagina filled with lady jizz when she first laid eyes on Phil:

From the first moment that I saw him, I knew we would never have a grandmother-grandson relationship,’ Pearl remembers happily. ‘For the first time in years I felt sexually alive.’

Phil admits that he had the same feelings towards Pearl.

‘I wanted to kiss her there and then,’ he says. ‘My feelings were overwhelming.’

The pair spent the first week shopping, bowling and eating out. During the second week, giggly on wine after a night out, Pearl decided she wasn’t going to deny her feelings anymore

Confused, Pearl talked to a friend, who told her about an article she’d read on Genetic Sexual Attraction (GSA), which occurs when close relatives meet as adults and are attracted to each other.

‘I could now understand my feelings and realize they weren’t wrong,’ Pearl says.

Pearl and Phil have been together since 2006. A year ago they decided to use Pearl’s retirement money to hire a surrogate to carry their child. Pearl says, “I am finally going to be a mum and not forced to give up my child. Phil’s going to be a great dad. I never in a million years thought at 72 I’d be “pregnant” and in love with my grandson. I make no apologies and I believe God’s given me a second chance.”

I’m trying not to judge, but grandmas are supposed to hit you in the mouth with their chankla! They aren’t supposed to hit you in the mouth with their chocha! Grandmas are supposed to serve you a warm apple fritter on a cold day. They aren’t supposed to serve you a piece of their lukewarm crotch fritter! Grandmas should have a name like Pearl. They shouldn’t lick their dentures in ecstasy when you give them a pearl necklace. You should get your grandmother a cotton robe on Mother’s Day. You shouldn’t get your grandmother crotchless panties for Mother’s Day!

If this story was a paint color, it’s name would be: EVERY SHADE OF WRONG.

With that being said, I awkwardly congratulate these two. I also thank them for giving me a reason to fire up the bong early. Thank you.

(Thanks to Chessa too)

The SATC2 Trailer: Camels, Aiden, And Liza!

Put down your boyfriend pillow, cancel your morning knitting circle and watch this new trailer for Sex & The City 2: Attack of the Dry Crotch. You’ll get bits of Liza, Penny, Aiden, a hillbilly beaver, camels, spikes and hormone pills! You’ll also get a lot of Sarah Jessica Parker still acting like a 12-year-old girl in a Frank Capra movie. I mean, “We’re not in Kansas anymore“? If my friend said shit like that, I’d slap that bitch in the mouth with an erect carrot and take the next cab out of there. Grow up, Carrie! Stop being such a filly.

It looks like half of this cookie dough fiesta takes place in Abu Dhabi. They didn’t actually film Abu Dhabi, because they couldn’t get permission. They filmed those scenes in Morocco instead.

You know what would probably make a better movie? If the ladies were thrown into prison for spraying their horny cougar scent all over Abu Dhabi. Just like how that British couple was thrown into the chokey for kissing in public in Dubai. It could’ve been like Brokedown Palace meets Priscilla Queen of the Desert. Rojo Caliente could’ve played a prison warden. SATC2 doesn’t come out until the end of May, so they still have time for re-shoots!

It’s Not Fashion Week Without An Appearance From Pamela Anderson’s Plastic Titty Balls

Everything about these pictures scream: LAST CALL! But really, it’s nothing new. During every fashion week from here to Bakersfield, the free clinic messiah rises from a puddle of 100 proof vomit and closes Richie Rich’s fashion show. Because nothing makes people run for the exit like Pamela Anderson’s vag. Seriously, Pamela should rent our her services. When you’ve got a party guest (aka one of your cousins) who just can’t take a hint, bring Pamela’s vag out and he’ll scatter faster than a hooker running from the po po’s siren.

Here’s more of Pammy looking like the janitor just woke her up with his broom. Terrell Owens also walked during the show last night, and we’re going to need a few mammalogists to tell us what kind of creature is on his head.

Has Susan Sarandon Moved On To A Younger Piece?

Yesterday afternoon, Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins broke hearts everywhere by announcing that they ended their 23-year relationship this past summer. I figured that they simply ran out of things to talk about and their genitals coughed up a “meh” whenever seeing the other one naked. But some are saying that 63-year-old Susan traded 51-year-old Tim in for a 31-year-old piece named Jonathan Brinklin. Jonathan is the son of the founder of Subaru America and a partner in Spin, a ping-pong club in NYC that Susan is an investor in.

You know, whenever I read about ping-pong, my gutter brain immediately flashes to the scene from Priscilla, Queen of the Desert where that hot bitch Cynthia launches a ping pong ball out of her poon. Please tell me that’s how Susan and her boy toy play ping pong on Sunday nights. Maybe Susan can schedule a couples match with Vadge and Baby Jesus?

Anyway, some source tells Gawker that Susan has made Jonathan her full-time ping pong poon partner. But Susan’s rep shot this rumor down by saying, “The rumors are absolutely untrue. Susan’s relationship with Jonathan Bricklin is strictly a business one.”

Maybe Susan’s spokesbitch is telling the truth. Because after watching this interview with the long-lost Jonas Brother, I’m not sure if he plays ping pong on Susan’s team. Jonathan’s peek-a-boo lisp made my ass twitch.