It’s Official: Madge Will Bring Her Thrusting Granny Poon To The Super Bowl

After weeks of rumors, NBC officially announced yesterday that Animal Planet won’t be the only ones who will have a pussy spazzing out during their halftime show. Madge will pop her crotch and put censors on labia slip watch during the Super Bowl XLVI halftime show on Feb. 5 in Indianapolis. Prudish parents better have a good explanation ready for when their innocent snowflake asks, “Why is a charred firework snake sneaking out of that old lady’s bloomers?” While those parents look to the Witch of Endor section in the Bible for an explanation, you can read the full press release:

MADONNA, a multi Grammy Award-winning Universal Records recording artist, will perform in the BRIDGESTONE SUPER BOWL XLVI HALFTIME SHOW on NBC at Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis on Sunday, February 5, the NFL and NBC announced during tonight’s Sunday Night Football game between the New Orleans Saints and Detroit Lions. Madonna’s performance will be imagined by CIRQUE DU SOLEIL and JAMIE KING. The Bridgestone Super Bowl halftime show is the most-watched musical event of the year. More than 162 million viewers in the U.S. watched last year’s show. The Super Bowl and halftime show will be broadcast worldwide. Madonna joins an esteemed list of recent halftime acts that includes The Black Eyed Peas, The Who, Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, Prince, the Rolling Stones, Paul McCartney and U2.

A world class entertainer, singer, songwriter, producer, director and video visionary, Madonna has sold more than 300 million records in the course of her three decade career as The Material Girl. She is a Rock & Roll Hall of Fame inductee. Her last tour was the most successful tour by a solo artist in history. Madonna is currently in the recording studio working on a new album scheduled to be released next year. Her new film W.E. which she directed, wrote and produced is opening in a limited one week release December 9 in Los Angeles and will open nationally on February 3, two days prior to Super Bowl XLVI. Madonna has partnered with a creative team from Cirque du Soleil, Jamie King, and multimedia artists from Moment Factory, to create a signature performance for the BRIDGESTONE SUPER BOWL XLVI HALFTIME SHOW. This year marks the fifth time Bridgestone Americas has sponsored the Super Bowl halftime show. The tire company’s new brand campaign, fittingly titled “Time to Perform,” will debut during the game. The BRIDGESTONE SUPER BOWL XLVI HALFTIME SHOW is an NFL NETWORK PRODUCTION and will be executive produced by RICKY KIRSHNER and directed by HAMISH HAMILTON.

Wait. Hold my dildo. This press release changes EVERYTHING. Thee Ja’mie King of Summer Heights High will imagine this show? Finally, the robot shit stain left on the Super Bowl from this year’s dreadful Black Eyed Peas show will be wiped away with Ja’mie’s signature hot moves:

And here’s Madge throwing a not-so-subtle TAKE THAT to stache waxers at the screening of her movie W.E. in NYC last night.

Sam Taylor-Wood And Aaron Johnson Aren’t Wasting Any Time

Back in 2009, several hos nearly knocked their hairlines up a few inches when they raised both brows over a then 19-year-old Aaron Johnson of Kick-Ass getting engaged to a then 42-year-old Sam Taylor-Wood. Hairlines crept up even further when Sam birthed out their first daughter Wylda Rae on July 7th of last year. And now Aaron is going to be a two time daddy at the age of 21, because Sam’s 44-year-old womb is full of a fetus that is closer in age to its daddy than its mom is. So now instead of strangers saying to Sam “Your two children are so beautiful,” she will now hear, “Your THREE children are so beautiful.”

Sam’s rep tells People that her fourth child, and Aaron’s second, will fall off of her vagina slide later this year.

You know, if I was a 44-year-old movie director who looks like Toni Collette in a fun house mirror, I too would clasp around some 21-year-old dick and not let go until a baby head pushed it out. It’s a win/win for Sam. Aaron’s only 21 so he’s got the natural energy to bottle feed the babies all day and then still have enough in him to peen feed Sam’s chocha at night. So what if Aaron is obviously going to drop that cougar for a kitten in a couple of years, I say get that dick while it’s hot.

Kay McCabe Gives Me Fever

My skin is almost the same shade as Matthew McConaughey’s after laying my eyeballs on these pictures of his mother Kay McCabe raising her dress (from Coldwater Creek’s Freak in the Streets Collection) and flashing her nude chonies at the Hollywood premiere of Abraham Lincoln Log Lawyer (or whatever the hell that shit is called) last night. Sometimes when there’s not a subway grate around for you to stand over, you have to create your own Some Like It Hot moment. The best part is that Kay served up her goodies while posing next to her son Rooster. Rooster is like, “Cock-a-doodle-don’t, mom!” But thank the hell she cock-a-doodle-did, because Kay definitely brought the heat. If this is what happens when you mix Metamucil and Four Loko, serve it to all of our grannies and grandpas!

A little warning though: you might want to cut eye holes in a fireproof blanket and throw it over your head before looking at all these pictures of Kay. Because if you don’t, the fire blowing off of Kay’s legs will leave you with the complexion of burnt Indian clay like Matthew McConaughey, and now me.

And believe it or not, other people actually showed up to last night’s premiere even though Kay is really the one who matters. In order-ish: Matthew McGreasyhey, Camila Alves, Frances Fisher, Miss Kay with Rooster and Ryan Phillipe.

The Return Of The VADGE!!!!

Lady Caca can have the silicone Klingon wishbones on her forehead, but the original Madonna is showing her how to keep it simply elegant by lifting, separating and stuffing her 52-year-old labia into a one-piece that a trampy granny wears when the plumber comes to visit. MONA ROBINSON, eat this!

This is the kind of hot outfit that Blanche Devereaux wore to give a dying lover his last rites, among other things. And Vadge pairing it with a vest made of Baby Jesus’ conditioned nut hairs was a good move.

Here’s more of Madge bringing her vadge out of hibernation and flashing her first-degree Joan Rivers face with Lourdes at Vanity Fair’s post-Oscar party last night. And the Miss Cleo in me can read your thoughts. Why would Lourdes be embarrassed? Just like us, she’s used to her mom dressing like a horny old ho.

The Right Brahim

With a stunned and shocked look on his face mostly seen on the mugs of Madge’s pieces right after they directly stare into the eye of her deadly cyclops crotch, 24-year-old back-up dancer Brahim Zaibat made his way out of the Aura night club in London last night after spending time with his new diaper changer inside.

Earlier, my ass was going on and on about Madge bumping assholes with a different Brahim. A 33-year-old choreographer named Brahim Rachiki. Well, I guess there was a mix-up at the boy toy nursery, because this is the real Brahim who is chupa-ing on Madge’s vag. Glad that is all cleared up!

And at least we don’t have to trash the “Welcome Home, Baby Brahim” sign we’re going to tape on Madge’s garage door before Brahim’s arrival.

Baby Jesus Out, Brahim Rachiki In?

At a club in NYC on Thursday night, 52-year-old Madge was seen sucking the precious life out of 33-year-old Barhim Rachiki, a choreographer on her Dry & Itchy tour, and Baby Jesus was nowhere in sight. Seriously, the source checked under the banquettes for Baby Jesus since toddlers like to play hide & seek everywhere, but he wasn’t there. They checked the bathroom to see if Baby Jesus’ night nanny was giving him a quick bath in the sink, but nope. So it looks like Madge might have dropped Baby Jesus back into the stork’s mouth and replaced him with a new piece.

The source tells Page Six about Madge and Barhim’s night together, “They came in together and were holding hands in a private area. Madonna got up and was dancing for an hour straight before going back to her man. They immediately started making out in front of other guests.”

One would think that Madge would go even younger after Baby Jesus. You know, maybe she’d take Jaden Smith out for a date in the bouncy balls at Bullwinkle’s, or even slip her number into the snatch of a woman who is pregnant with a boy. But no, Madge has turned everything upside down by scratching her vag on a 33-year-old! Even bitch’s coochie is into reinventing itself.