Category: Macaulay Culkin
Paris Jackson And Cara Delevigne Kissed, But Aren’t Dating
The Daily Mail posted a pap pic of seriously-eyebrowed model Cara Delevigne, 25, kissing up on Michael Jackson’s daughter Paris Jackson, 19, outside of Los Angeles steakhouse Carlito’s on Thursday night. Reportedly on a double date with Paris’ godfather Macaulay Culkin, Cara and Paris, who met at last year’s MTV Movie Awards, smooched outside and did a cute little paparazzi-lurin’ dance. This might seem to confirm the rumors that they’ve been dating. But, nay, People quotes a source (I’m guessing Gramma Katherine Jackson because she probably clutched the pearls and died twice when saw the pics) as saying they’re not.
Macaulay Culkin Wants You To Know He Never Blew $6000 A Month On Heroin
Four years ago, Macaulay Culkin prompted stage parents with morals everywhere to step back and rethink their decision to push their kids into show business when he was photographed walking around New York looking like a humanoid crack rock. The National Enquirer claimed they knew the reason for why Macaulay looked like someone who would volunteer to help Harry and Marv rob houses just for the medicine cabinet access, and it was DRUGS! Specifically, that he was addicted to heroin. They claimed Macaulay was in a really bad place after his break-up with Mila Kunis, and he was spending $6,000 a month on heroin and pills.
Despite the fact that he was once arrested for possession of weed and pills, Macaulay denies the Enquirer’s drug shopping spree rumors. Macaulay tells The Guardian that he never spent his residual checks from The Pagemaster and Wish Kid on the hardest of drugs. He also slapped at the Enquirer for pretending to care about why he looked so tore up.
“Were people right to be worried? Not necessarily. Of course, when silly stuff is going on – but no, I was not pounding six grand of heroin every month or whatever. The thing that bugged me was tabloids wrapping it all in this weird guise of concern. No, you’re trying to shift papers. Is there a story there he might want to tell one day, on his own terms? Perhaps.”
Macaulay also talks about what he’s been doing lately (that pizza band, nothing). And he would have talked about his friendship with Michael Jackson, but The Guardian says his lawyers wouldn’t let him.
So Kevin McCallister doesn’t outright deny that he was chasing the cheese pizza back in 2012 when those pictures were taken; he only says he wasn’t spending $6k a month. “Perhaps” that will be one of the things he elaborates on if he ends up fulfilling his former child star-turned-mess destiny by writing a tell-all. “Listen, people said I was spending 6 grand on drugs, but honestly, it was more like 2, 2 and a half, tops.” Or maybe he was buying drugs, but not for himself. After all, he was living with walking needle Pete Doherty around that time, and Pete definitely seems like the type who would prefer rent be paid in drugs rather than money. You know, just to save him a trip outside.
Pic: Wenn.com
Open Post: Hosted By A Grown Kevin McCallister Talking About His Shitty Family
For the new YouTube show :DRYVRS, Macaulay Culkin gave us a sort-of sequel to the Home Alone movies by re-telling the story as a grown and fucked-up Kevin McCallister. The deep, bloody gashes left on Kevin’s soul from his cold-hearted family forgetting about him never healed and he goes on about how the whole thing traumatized him. As a kid whose family “accidentally” left his ass at a rest step outside of the American-Mexican border in the 80s, I have always felt Kevin McCallister’s pain.
In the episode, Kevin’s wife Anna (A shout out to Anna Chlumsky?) is an Uber-like driver and when he has to fill in her for her because she got so coked up, he ends up telling his passenger the dark tale about how he had to fight off home invaders after his shitty family went on vacation without him.
That’s exactly how Kevin McCallister would end up. He’d totally grow up to be an unhinged, greasy, chain-smoking, Faces of Meth poster boy who only feels happiness when he slowly tortures criminals. I mean, your family forgetting about you once will mess you up, and your family forgetting about you twice will turn you inside/out. I bet that Dexter’s dad forgot about him a couple of times and that’s the real reason why he was the way he was.
And the only way this could’ve been better is if we found out that his wife Anna was Buzz’s girlfriend. Woof.
Bitch Got Booed: Macaulay Culkin’s Musical Pizza Band Edition
Ugh, you know you’re a an asshole when you’re able to make pizza look bad. Seriously, how is that even possible? I’m a dickmatized-by-Domino’s low-standards pizza slut, and even I want nothing to do with this group of hipster pizza wankers. And according to NME, I’m not alone. On Sunday night, Macaulay Culkin and his band The Pizza Underground (which is a pizza-themed Velvet Underground cover band, so I’m guessing that falls under the ‘Trust Fund’ genre of music) were performing at the Dot to Dot festival in Nottingham, England. After just one song, the crowd started booing, and since this happened in Nottingham, England, I’d like to imagine they all sounded like the old woman from The Princess Bride.
But they didn’t only boo at Macaulay Culkin’s Rock-afire Rip-off. They also threw beer. Typical! Just when you think you found a wholesome group of boo-having haters, they end up crushing your heart into a million pieces by wasting precious beer. After being pelted with pints of beer, Macaulay told the crowd: “Why are you throwing those? I’d rather drink them!” But I guess booze is like coke in the UK, where it flows from the taps, because they kept throwing beer. 3 songs and 15 minutes later, The Pizza Underground called it a day and stormed off stage.
I don’t care how insufferably hipstery The Pizza Underground is, and believe me it is, but something about hating on pizza feels wrong. It’s not pizza’s fault it got dragged into this mess. Plus, to waste beer like that is a damn shame, and I don’t even like beer; but I like getting drunk, and anything that can get you next-level drunk and forget about your troubles should be cherished, not whipped at Thomas J. from My Girl.
Open Post: Hosted By Macaulay Culkin Wearing A Picture Of Ryan Gosling Wearing A Picture Of Macaulay Culkin
I feel like I’m looking at a Russian nesting doll of someone’s life. In theory, the cute kid in the center should have grown up to be the hottie in the middle, but instead he turned into the greasy, possibly pants-less hipster drinking room-temperature Malibu Fresh from a coffee mug standing before you now. Life truly is like a box of chocolates.
A picture of forever Thomas J. and sometimes Faces of Meth-looking Macauley Culkin was posted to Twitter on Sunday by his band The Pizza Underground (so to answer your question “What’s Macauley Culkin been up to lately?”: not much) of him wearing a t-shirt printed with this picture of Ryan Gosling wearing a t-shirt printed with an old LIFE photograph of Macauley Culkin on the front. Did you get all that? I basically just described the plot of Inception using a Hanes 2-pack of crew necks and two dudes in black Wayfarers.
But it doesn’t have to end with a picture of Macauley Culkin standing in the kitchen of my nightmares (why is there a pair of dirty underwear on the kitchen table?? Are those marionettes hanging from the curtain rods?!?). It’s now Ryan Gosling’s turn to get photographed wearing a t-shirt with this picture of Macauley Culkin on the front. Then Macauley Culkin will get a t-shirt printed with the picture of Ryan Gosling wearing a shirt of Macauley Culkin wearing a shirt of Ryan Gosling wearing a shirt of Macauley Culkin. It will finally end with Macauley Culkin receiving a text from Ryan Gosling that says: “Sorry, no more t-shirts, I gotta get back to work” and Macauley Culkin texting back: “Cool, I remember work.”
Pic: Twitter
Pete Doherty Is Going To Rehab For The Millionth Time
When I read a story about how the apple of my brown eye Pete “Dreamboat” Doherty and Macaulay Culkin moved in together in Paris, some figured that it wouldn’t be long before we were reading a story about how France was suffering from a crack shortage and begged Brazil for a crack bailout. But it turns out that Macaulay Culkin has actually been a good influence on Dreamboat and has inspired him to take his ass back to rehab in Thailand again. Dreamy dried out in Thailand last year, but his lips were around a crack pipe as soon as he got back to Europe. Dreamy is apparently going to rehab in Thailand, because they don’t screw around there and if you get caught with the bad shit, you’ll end sleeping next to Claire Danes on a prison floor while a roach crawls into your ear to die (“Been there, done that!” – Dreamy).
Dreamy tells NME that he recently quit crack and heroin and he’d like to quit forever, because he knows that if he doesn’t he’ll eventually barf up his charred lungs:
“I don’t think it’s possible to sustain a healthy, for want of a better word, cocaine and heroin dependancy, and then call yourself healthy by any stretch of the imagination. You’re a fool unto yourself if you think that. Getting over 30… it’s reached a point now where there’s no way round it. It’s like, either curb it or stop it, or lose your health. o get better you have to get worse. When I stop smoking crack, which I have done recently – I am smoking a lot less – my lungs, all of a sudden, start churning out all this horrible shit. Which, while you’re smoking you don’t get the chance to do. It’s almost that the first thing about giving up drugs is to descend into a pitched toe-to-toe street fight with your health.”
And when he was asked what will it take for him to say goodbye to the bad shit for good, he said, “Probably my sex drive will have to go. Or I’ll have to lose a hand.”
Sex drive?! I thought crack smoke turned a hard dick into a soggy Pirouette. I thought boning while high on crack was like trying to shove an overcooked spaghetti noodle into a key hole. You learn something new. And hopefully, the 1,903,987th time is a charm, because if it isn’t, he’ll have to chop off his hand and even that might not work since I wouldn’t be surprised if some ho out there makes a crack pipe attachment for hook hands.