Pete Doherty Is Going To Rehab For The Millionth Time

When I read a story about how the apple of my brown eye Pete “Dreamboat” Doherty and Macaulay Culkin moved in together in Paris, some figured that it wouldn’t be long before we were reading a story about how France was suffering from a crack shortage and begged Brazil for a crack bailout. But it turns out that Macaulay Culkin has actually been a good influence on Dreamboat and has inspired him to take his ass back to rehab in Thailand again. Dreamy dried out in Thailand last year, but his lips were around a crack pipe as soon as he got back to Europe. Dreamy is apparently going to rehab in Thailand, because they don’t screw around there and if you get caught with the bad shit, you’ll end sleeping next to Claire Danes on a prison floor while a roach crawls into your ear to die (“Been there, done that!” – Dreamy).

Dreamy tells NME that he recently quit crack and heroin and he’d like to quit forever, because he knows that if he doesn’t he’ll eventually barf up his charred lungs:

“I don’t think it’s possible to sustain a healthy, for want of a better word, cocaine and heroin dependancy, and then call yourself healthy by any stretch of the imagination. You’re a fool unto yourself if you think that. Getting over 30… it’s reached a point now where there’s no way round it. It’s like, either curb it or stop it, or lose your health. o get better you have to get worse. When I stop smoking crack, which I have done recently – I am smoking a lot less – my lungs, all of a sudden, start churning out all this horrible shit. Which, while you’re smoking you don’t get the chance to do. It’s almost that the first thing about giving up drugs is to descend into a pitched toe-to-toe street fight with your health.”

And when he was asked what will it take for him to say goodbye to the bad shit for good, he said, “Probably my sex drive will have to go. Or I’ll have to lose a hand.”

Sex drive?! I thought crack smoke turned a hard dick into a soggy Pirouette. I thought boning while high on crack was like trying to shove an overcooked spaghetti noodle into a key hole. You learn something new. And hopefully, the 1,903,987th time is a charm, because if it isn’t, he’ll have to chop off his hand and even that might not work since I wouldn’t be surprised if some ho out there makes a crack pipe attachment for hook hands.