Will Everyone Stop Protesting, LeAnn Rimes Is Trying To Be Sexy Over Here!

If you hated yourself enough to watch NBC’s Christmas in Rockefeller last night, you probably wondered if it was the sweet nectar talking or did that gold Prometheus statue really roll his eyes during LeAnn Rimes’ performance. He did. Even he couldn’t take LeAnn Rimes trying to bring some “sexed up cabaret singer at a country club lounge” glamour during her performance.

The Squinting Chanteuse yodeled out the children’s Christmas song “I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas” (Side note: When LeAnn sings that song, “hippopotamus” is definitely a euphemism for something else) during the show and about 110 seconds into it, she opened up her coat and revealed her bootleg Madonna circa 1990 outfit. The pin-up Grinch went on to holler out more musical notes as she flashed her thigh highs and jiggled those chichis for the children. Sarah Palin might want to move the battle lines to LeAnn’s house, because this is definitely a declaration of war on Christmas:

That performance was probably a joy for LeAnn and LeAnn alone, but her joy was short-lived.

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LeAnn Rimes Wants You To Know That She Was So Much Better Than Her Stepson When She Was His Age

Scientists and animal experts will tell you that luck dragons are usually very maternal and The NeverEnding Story showed us that they usually have words of support and wisdom for young humans. That trait must’ve passed LeAnn Rimes by.

LeAnn did a looooooooong interview with The Mail on Sunday (via InTouch) where she continued to show us that she lives in a fart bubble of delusion by saying that she and Eddie Cibrian were meant to be together and splitting up is not an option. (Cut to next year when the money train crashes and burns and Eddie leaves her for an extra from Vanderpump Rules.) LeAnn also talked about her upbringing and how she was the one putting food on the table at a really young age. LeAnn says that when she was a kid, she was EVERY kid. She was doing it all. So when she looks at her 11-year-old bonus son trying to get his shoe lace game together, she lets out a “pfft” over what a simpleton he is.

My mum and dad were not meant to be together. They got divorced when I was 14. I was sad but I was also fine; there was so much going on with my career that there wasn’t a lot of time to talk about it. But they instilled great values in me. I attribute my work ethic to my dad. He taught me to show up on time and know what I was doing. I have a great reputation in this business because of that. Most people don’t come back from things like my dad and I went through [the court case]. We didn’t speak for three and a half years. But now we are close. Eddie and I take his kids to visit my dad in Nashville.

I was super-driven as a kid. Even though I was on the road a lot, the teachers would give me homework and I would get it all done. I look at my 11-year-old stepson Mason, and I’m like, ‘I signed a record deal when I was your age. You’re still fumbling with tying your shoelaces.’

I went to Brand Glanville’s Twitter and it’s still standing and hasn’t collapsed into a pile of rage, wine-infused tears and ash, which is surprising.

LeAnn is seriously such a kind and supportive bonus mom. But you know, the paparazzi that she calls have taken pictures of her doing absolutely EVERYTHING and yet, I’ve never seen pictures of her tying her shoe laces. Hmmm… Come to think of it, I don’t think luck dragons can tie their shoe laces. Shoe laces confuse them. So yeah, she’s looking down at little Mason for not getting a record deal at the age of 11 and yet ho can’t even tie her own laces. Get off your high horse, high horse.

Here’s the kind and supportive bonus mom, her piece and her bonus kids at The Grove’s Christmas tree lighting ceremony the other day. I see LeAnn flirting with Santa while he’s wondering why Blitzen is saying human words to him.

Pics: Wenn.com 

The Delusions Of A Luck Dragon: LeAnn Rimes Thinks She And Eddie Cibrian Are A Gay Man’s Wet Dream

According to Webster’s, the definition of “wet dream” is:

an erotic dream culminating in orgasm and in the male accompanied by ejaculation of semen

LeAnn Rimes thinks she and Eddie Cibrian are the pure definition of a gay man’s wet dream and she’d be one hundred percent correct if the definition of “wet dream” was:

a terrifying nightmare culminating in the heaves and in humans accompanied by ejaculation of barf

During an interview with PrideSource, the silicone rod of delusion in a thong practically said that she’s a gay icon and every gay dude wants to fuck her husband hard until his dick looks like her: raw, shriveled, worn out and in need of some nourishment. The delusion is as thick as the silicone hardening in Falkor’s titty sacks.

We also share a mutual respect for your husband, Eddie Cibrian.

(Laughs) Yes. I’ve always said that Eddie and I are a gay man’s wet dream. I sing, you can look at him, and it’s perfect.

Does he tag along with you when you’re doing your gay gigs?

He came to that show (Gay Days) and was like, “I am not walking out on stage.” Of course I got him out on stage and it was so funny.

He gets embarrassed?

He does! It’s funny. He’s very low key. I embarrass him often!

Has he ever come to a gay club with you?

Oh yeah, many times. It’s fun for me to watch! (Laughs)

Fun to watch him get hit on by guys?

I don’t think that’s ever happened, but I’ve definitely watched him get looked up and down in every way, shape or form … so yeah, basically hit on. It’s hysterical seeing these guys freak out over him. For me, I laugh so hard, because Eddie is really pretty cool about it all, but sometimes he can be shy and uncomfortable, and I love to see him in that element. It’s completely not his element, but he knows how to work it.

LeAnn might be half right. Eddie’s a giant bag of assholes and used enema water, but he’s hot on the outside, so I’d hit it and other gay dudes would probably hit it. But throw in a desperate, yodeling luck dragon and that wet dream just became a wet (as in vomit) nightmare that’ll make your b-hole lips close for business and your genitals crawl up into your body until it’s safe to come out. Just the thought of LeAnn hollering out “How Do I Live?” while wearing a bikini is making me sweat out of fear. Which I guess is a wet daydream of sorts…

Here’s the gay icons of our time at The Abbey in West Hollywood the other night. Not pictured: The thousands of police officers holding back all the gay dudes who are trying to touch their DREAM IDOLS.

Pics: Instagram, Splash

Eddie Cibrian And LeAnn Rimes Told His Boys About Their Affair

Seen above the moment she realized that the bowl of laxatives she ate for breakfast kicked in a little too fast AGAIN, LeAnn Rimes says that she and Eddie Cibrian have had several talks with his kids, 11-year-old Mason and 7-year-old Jake, about how they’re both huge, disgusting, shameless skank slut tramps who broke their own homes with their bull dozing genitals. Eddie telling his kids about him being a cheating whore makes sense, because kids are curious shits. They’re always asking all kinds of questions like: Where does Santa live? What is above the sky? And, why does mom always call that creepy, half-naked lizard pony centaur thing you live with a “life-ruining cum dumpster skeezer“?

Eddie and LeAnn tell Life & Style that they’ve told Mason and Jake the truth and Mason and Jake totally understand:

“We’ve had discussions with them about the whole situation,” Eddie says in the new issue of Life & Style, on stands now, of their honesty with Mason, 11, and Jake, 7, about their infidelity. “They understand more than you think they do,” LeAnn adds.

Uh huh, I’m really sure LeAnn laid the entire truth on them. Eddie and LeAnn probably sat Mason and Jake down and said, “Once upon a time, there was a multi-talented, devastatingly handsome, gold-hearted, loyal prince who was trapped in a marriage to a wretched, foul, evil, jealous, controlling drunk, fat praying mantis-like witch. The only way he could get out of his marriage is if the evil curse the witch cast on him was broken by true love’s kiss. One day, the prince met a naturally gorgeous, skinny young maiden with the voice of a million angels. The prince and the maiden fell in love and they kissed in a hotel room that the maiden rented for that very occasion. The spell was broken and the prince married the maiden, because she was way more gorgeous, way skinnier, looked better in a bikini and had way more Twitter followers than the nasty witch. The end!”

Here’s Eddie and Falkor scaring all living things with her facial expressions at Extra this morning

Nobody Watched LeAnn Rimes And Eddie Cibrian’s Reality Shit Show

I haven’t watched the first episode of LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian’s “semi-scripted” dried turd of reality show on Vh1, because I am a disgusting, gross, easy pig slut when it comes to TV (and everything else) and I should try to have SOME standards. I recorded LeAnn & Eddie, though, and when I’ve gone into my DVR to play an episode of quality television like Dating Naked and Topless Prophet on Cinemax, it stares at me like a wet, oozing herp sore on a short, soft peen. I can’t bring myself to watch it. Apparently, I’m not alone, because Deadline says that the first episode of The Home Wrecking Squints was watched by 374,000 viewers. To put that number into perspective, Grumpy Cat was on QVC at 7 in the morning yesterday and more hos probably watched that shit (and sadly, I was one of those hos). LeAnn & Eddie were beat by Dog with a Blog, an episode of Seinfeld and COPS. Deadline says that Vh1’s Dating Naked got 826,000 viewers, but when LeAnn Rimes’ “melting Play-Doh figurine of a demon pony” face popped up after it, everyone turned their TVs off.

The rest of VH1’s new programming on VH1 might have wanted to strip down a bit to do better. Coming after the 551,000 who watched the debut of Candidly Nicole, the 10:30 premiere of Leann And Eddie was seen by a total 374,000 audience of 374,000. The former was up 51% from last quarter among the 18-49s with 325,000 watching while the later up just 19% over the last quarter’s average in the time slot with 252,000 viewers in the demo.

To recap: more than twice the number of hos who suffered through LeAnn & Eddie watched a show with a bunch of naked people. For the love of humanity’s eyeballs, don’t let that give Falkor ideas!!! (Eddie, okay, but not Falkor!) And poor Eddie’s probably going to have to take his side pieces to the Super 8 instead of the Hilton. LeAnn probably cut his allowance, because she needed the money to buy 374,000 TVs and 374,000 different cable connections. You didn’t think 374,000 actual people watch that wreck, did you?

And here’s Falkor looking like a horse skeleton in lazy Stevie Nicks drag while protecting the peen she paid for at the  Luli Fama fashion show in Miami yesterday.

Pics: Splash

Brandi Glanville Is Not Sorry For Saying Her 7-Year-Old Son Is An Asshole And A Dick On Her Podcast

Brandi Glanville pulled a Brandi Glanville on her podcast last week when she called her 7-year-old son Jake an “asshole” and  a “dick” who needs to go fuck himself sometimes. Well, some kids are assholes and Jake’s got two gaping assholes for parents, so I cannot find the lie in Brandi’s little declaration of love for her son.

During a talk with her guest Jake Lacy on her podcast “Brandi AnaGlandVille Unfiltered” last week, Brandi said that her 7-year-old’s name is also Jake and she’s learned that most Jakes are assholes and her son is no exception. Brandi then went on to shit at the mouth about her 7-year-old son by saying that Jake has gone to second base with a bunch of chicks and she’s pre-purchasing his future stay in rehab now. Jake also tries to screw with Brandi by singing that Ariana Grande Latte song “Problem” to her and she responds by telling him to go fuck himself. Just a regular, old, beautiful mother and son relationship. via Radar:

“My son’s name is Jake: He’s 7, he’s a complete asshole, but we love him. Oh man, he’s a d*ck, seriously,’ Glanville, 41, told Lacy. Glanville said that the boy unabashedly defies her, such as in cases when he shamelessly neglects to do something she asked of him. She said when she tells him, “I told you to do this,” he responds, “Well, I lied!

Illustrating the mother-son dynamic between herself and Jake, she said that the boy sings to her lines from the Ariana Grande song “Problem” — specifically, the line, “I’ve Got One Less Problem Without You,” to her chagrin.

“I’m like, ‘Go fuck yourself!’” she said, laughing, calling him a “fucker” in passing.

I listened to that part of Brandi’s podcast on Friday and it didn’t make me reach for the phone to call CPS on this messy bitch. This ranks pretty low on the list of offensive things that have come out of her trash hole. I mean, this is the mouth that gave us, “I wish I was molested as a child.” If a parent got thrown into prison for calling their kid an a-hole, the outside world would be an empty hellscape full of single hos and unsupervised babies. But Dr. Sue Cornbluth, a parenting expert who specializes in childhood trauma, isn’t laughing and tells Radar that Brandi is a shit stain of a mother for dragging her son like that:

“That makes her look like an abusive, incompetent parent. She did it I’m sure to bring herself publicity but I’m appalled by the names she called her son. Kids out there are being called that every day and it’s called emotional abuse. Who knows who has listened to this interview? It makes me believe she is saying it at home. And if you say ‘go fuck yourself’ to a kid, they’re like sponges, they soak up anything. There is no excuse for this.”

Sure, Brandi Glanville is a tacky piece of fame whore trash who dragged her son on her podcast for attention, but this Dr. Cornbluth (which sounds like the name of my favorite Arrested Development character that never was) is being a little bit dramatic. “Asshole” is not the worst thing that little Jake has been called. Getting called “LeAnn Rime’s stepson” is even worse. Speaking of Falkor, I’m sure she already made a dance remix of Brandi’s Mother of the Year rant and is going to blast it for Jake in her car when she drives him to the mall to buy his love some more.

And Brandi has already responded to this mess on Twatter:

OMG I jokingly refer 2my kids&dogs as lil assholes sometimes cuz they can be.my mom called us her lil- shits-stop taking things so seripusly

— Brandi Glanville (@BrandiGlanville) June 21, 2014

Yeah, bitches, stop taking things so seripusly! “Seripusly” sounds like a really messy sex acting involving a pussy and male syrup.