Falkor Rimes And Brand Glanville Air Their Shit Out On Twitter: Part 4,562,984,388

Because talking to Brandi AnalGlandVille privately like a mature, sane adult won’t get her attention from the blogs (and here I am falling for that shifty luck dragon’s game), LeAnn Rimes passively aggressively called out her nemesis and body icon on Twitter this morning for not contacting Eddie Cibrian after his son ended up in the ER. The latest fight between these two malnourished rubber sea horses started when Brandi, who’s in NYC shooting Celebrity Apprentice, tweeted that her son was in the hospital for 8 hours last night. Brandi added a picture of Mason in the hospital, because she is the epitome of class and would like to hold onto that title.

8 hours in the ER this trip to NYC Mason will never forget! 1st trip in an ambulance! All will be fine pic.twitter.com/dV56Iif3Cc

— Brandi Glanville (@BrandiGlanville) March 30, 2014

We all know that LeAnn has an alarm pierced to her ass lips that vibrates whenever Brandi tweets, so she probably saw that mess of a tweet two seconds after it went up. But she acted like a “friend” told her about the tweet and she didn’t like that she and Eddie Cibrian (mostly she) didn’t find out from Brandi. Falkor twatted this out while somehow forgetting about the time she didn’t call Brandi after Mason ate one of her laxatives and had to go to the hospital.

Got a text from a friend at 4:30am asking if mason was ok. THANK GOD! Mason just called Eddie himself!! It’s been a panicked morning not knowing anything and mason being all the way across the US. Relived to know he’s ok.

Eddie would’ve tweeted his disgust over Brand not calling him, but his fingers were busy finger banging his side piece in the back of his car parked off Mulholland.

These wrecks. What would they do if they didn’t have each other’s clits to yank? They live for it. Brandi tweeted about her son going to the ER before telling Eddie because she knew it’d make LeAnn’s luck dragon nostrils flare into a rage. And not having a drop of shame in her being allows LeAnn to make a kid’s trip to the ER all about her. If I was Mason, I’d probably run away deep into the woods to be raised by wolves, because every time he ends up in the ER those crazy bitches use it as a shank to stab each other with. Now I’m not saying that LeAnn is going to “accidentally” rub poison ivy all over Mason so she can tweet about their trip to the ER before calling Brandi, but I will say that Mason should probably wear a full body armor suit from now on.

It’s Not Officially A Little League Game Until The Trashy Mom Shows Up With Her Tits Out

Very classy, LeAnn Rimes. Was your bikini at the cleaners?

Everyone’s favorite near-sighted insanity dragon put the Home in Homewrecker (as in, go home and put some damn clothes on, you hussy) when she joined Eddie Cibrian at his son Jake’s baseball game on Sunday looking like a fratboy’s drunk aunt doing the walk of shame from a toga party. Hooker, please! These kids are 6 and 7 year old; they don’t need to see you prowling around the diamond like it’s a Fantasia truckstop. But just you try to stop her! Eddie is the team’s coach, which means she’s going to show up every week in skankier and skankier outfits until one of the parents mistakes her for a crusty dragon pussy peddler, and she’s arrested for attempt to solicit.

I don’t have kids, I’m never around kids, I can barely spell kids, but even I know that showing up to a kids baseball game in with your dragon tits hanging out is pure trash. I used to know a trashy baseball mom who would show up to her son’s games in a ripped Budweiser crop and a pair of acid washed coochie-cutters. I mean, sure, she was pure CAGE (class-attitude-glamour-elegance) but still, save that shit for a monster truck rally. That goes for you too, LeAnn. How the hell are the kids supposed to keep their eye on the ball when they keep getting distracted by your fire-breathing titty balls rassling around under that sloppy potato sack halter.

Pics: Splash

Brandi Glanville Claims That Eddie Cibrian Is Trying To Get Her To Pay Him Child Support (UPDATE)

Dear Heather Mills, Elin Nordegren, Jon Cryer’s ex-wife and all the other platinum level gold diggers out there who think they have won the game, a new challenger you knew was a shady motherfucker (but didn’t know was this shady) has arrived AND HOW! Eddie Cibrian lives in a multi-million dollar mansion with his partner in shameless fuckery Falkor Rimes, probably has a wallet full of limit-less credit cards and you know he gets millions of dollars in royalties from his finest artistic achievement 3Deep, but it’s still not enough and now he’s apparently trying to shake down his ex-wife for some cash. Some hardcore gold diggers have the game so deeply ingrained in them that they just can’t stop gold digging and will even shake down a trick who’s got less cash than him. I don’t know whether to give him a standing ovation or give him two standing ovations, because that is a new kind of shameless.

Brandi Glanville whined on Twitter today about how people keep throwing hate at her for airing her divorce shit in book after book and while doing so she said that Eddie is trying to get child support from her. Poor Brandi. She’s just a fame whore trying to make a dollar from being a mess and her asshole slut of an ex-husband keeps kicking her down. As the cackle from a luck dragon filled the night sky, Brandi tweeted this:

2 all these young unmarried bloggers writing about getting over divorce&not seeing ur children grow up 1/2 the time,walk a mile in my shoes.

— Brandi Glanville (@BrandiGlanville) February 18, 2014

Im not taking cheap shots at my ex in my new book cuz its all true,&now mr fancy new cars&house man is asking ME for child support!Uknownada

— Brandi Glanville (@BrandiGlanville) February 18, 2014

everytime I take 1 step frwd I get a lawyers letter that takes me 3 steps back so wen people say move on, I say 2 my ex LET ME! Just STOP

— Brandi Glanville (@BrandiGlanville) February 18, 2014

Eddie would totally knee a homeless puppy in the face, snatch its change cup and run off if he needed the cash, but I don’t know if I totally believe this. I mean, I don’t know Eddie and Brandi’s custody situation, so I don’t even know if he can ask for child support. I figured that Brandi got the kids most of the time and Eddie got the kids a few hours a week for photo-ops. Maybe Eddie needs extra spending cash to discreetly spend on his side whores, because that whiny mess LeAnn always asks him why there’s so many charges to the Peninsula Hotel on their credit card bill. Hey, Eddie, if you need cash that bad, just scream at LeAnn, “Hey, paparazzi over there,” and while she’s looking away pull a few gold coins out of her saddle bag. It works EVERY time.

UPDATE: Eddie’s spokeswhore (yes, he still has one) tells UsWeekly that he’s not trying to get money out of Brandi:

“There is no truth to the claims that Eddie has requested child support from Brandi now, nor will he ever request child support from his ex-wife. The notion is preposterous. This is yet another ploy for self-promotion.”

via Radar

Brandi Glanville’s New Book Is Exactly As Messy As You’d Think It Would Be

…with Leslie Bruce. Poor, poor Leslie Bruce. What horrible, unspeakable act did Leslie Bruce commit in a past life to deserve the punishment bestowed upon her? The next time life feels overwhelming, just repeat this mantra: “I am not Leslie Bruce. I do not have to help Brandi Glanville write a book. My life is okay”.

Grandi (aww, my first typo that stays) Glanville is following-up her best selling book Drinking & Tweeting with the release of Drinking & Dating on February 11th, so good news for those of you who need a new book to use as ‘chatty stranger deterrent’ on public transportation (“Don’t talk to me, I’m dumb. See? Look what I’m reading”). The Daily Mail has found a couple good nuggets from the book, the best being that Eddie Cibrian gave Brandi a bunch of STDs and that LeAnn Rimes is a cunt:

‘I have three permanent reminders of my marriage that I live with every day,’ Brandi writes in Drinking And Dating: P.S. Social Media Is Ruining Romance. ‘[My sons] Mason, Jake, and HPV.’

The 41-year-old blames herself for being ‘foolish enough to believe [Eddie] was faithful,’ but adds that ‘half of all sexually active Americans have HPV.’

While it seems far more recent to her, Brandi writes: ‘It’s been five years now since I discovered my ex-husband was sleeping with half of the women in Hollywood.’

As usual, it is LeAnn who most of Brandi’s anger is directed at, and the reality star even brands the singer with the c-word.

Brandi describes one of her ‘favorite lessons learned’ as ‘When you write an entire c***ry album about your affair with a married man, most people won’t buy it. #JustSayin.’

Shots fucking fired! Also, spelling county as cuntry? Is ‘Leslie Bruce’ the pen name for Bruce Vilanch? Because that joke was very Vilanchy (which is to say it was P-E-R-F-E-C-T-I-O-N). If I can be promised more LeAnn slams, more stories of Eddie’s wandering Cibridick, and more punny cheater jokes, then I will definitely consider thinking about maybe borrowing it from a friend.

It’s Not Officially Groundhog Day Until The Squinting Insanity Dragon Appears In A Bikini

Well, at least now I know what it looks like when LeAnn Rimes eats too many damn goji berries. I sympathize with her; I get the same feeling when I try to eat a salad and my body freaks out over the lack of cheese and Red Vines.

According to The Daily Mail, LeAnn took a much-needed break from that blue foldable soccer chair and went to Hawaii to film more of her never-ending reality show for VH1 with Eddie Cibrian (aka Dean McDermott 2.0). Because I’m in a good mood (the sun came out this morning and it no longer feels like Hoth) I’ll say that LeAnn looks great. Nope, wait a second; ‘great’ might be too powerful a word; you’ll have to forgive me, I’m just so used to hearing the words ‘LeAnn Rimes in a bikini’ and picturing this. I should have said: She no longer looks like something Dana Scully found in an abandoned warehouse on The X-Files. That’s literally the highest compliment I can give; that you no longer look like a decaying alien. So, you’re welcome, LeAnn.

But I am curious as to what’s going on with her stomach situation. You can see it better in the pictures below, but it appears she’s swallowed an upside-down parking cone. That, or all six muscles in her six-pack have banded together as one giant tube-like entity and are attempting to make a run for it out her asshole. Or is this what it looks like when Luck Dragons are gestating? Maybe that’s a dragon egg inside her stomach! Dear China: There’s been a change of plans. Scrap the horse idea; 2014 is going to be the Year of the Dragon.

(Pics: Splash)

LeAnn Rimes Is As Selfless As Ever

Every time I read LeAnn Rimes’ Twitter feed, I’m reminded of the first time I realized as a parent that kids listen to every damn word we say. My oldest came up to me one day when he was little and asked if bitches are real. I asked where he heard that and he said, “You said on the phone that this bitch can’t be for real“. Oh. My bad.  Scrolling through LeAnn’s tweets, I always hear a sweet toddler voice in my head saying, “This bitch can’t be for real” and this particular unreal bitch didn’t disappoint the other day.

Not a fun day. I have a stomach bug, oh joy & one of our best friend's is losing his mom.

— LeAnn Rimes Cibrian (@leannrimes) December 23, 2013

It’s so sweet of LeAnn to think of her dear friend’s misfortune when she’s holed up in the bathroom, a victim to one too many ex-laxtinis.    Having the uncontrollable shits because you’ve rededicated yourself to a strict laxative diet is not the same thing as having a stomach bug, ya stupid ho! And way to roll your poo times in with someone losing a loved one like they’re even on the same level of “bad day”.

LeAnn did break her pattern of “ME. ME. ME. ME. ME. ME. ME. YOU. ME. ME.” to tweet the next day that her friend’s mom had passed away without mentioning herself, digestive distress, what she was wearing, her astrological sign, throwing shade at Brandi Glanville, posting a selfie, hard campaigning for stepmom of the year or mentioning how wonderful her squinty-eyed dumb hump of a husband is. ‘Tis the season for personal growth!

Here are some pics of Falkor shopping at Barney’s New York in L.A. last week (I hope to fuck there’s a clue in that bag) and texting her BFFs (the paparazzi) with Eddie Cibrian at LAX the other day.

(Pics: Twitter, Splash)