Category: La Toya Jackson
My Life Is Now Complete
If there was ever an image I’d get tattooed to the inside of my eye lids, this would be it. It’s the forever glamorous Detective La Toya Jackson and the forever gorgeous La Duquesa de Alba sharing the same frame at the International Horse Fair in Sevilla, Spain yesterday!!! This is like watching a unicorn catch a falling star in its mouth. Now the words “beauty” and “magic” know where to go when they need a shot of inspiration.
You might already be on your knees worshiping this picture while listening to this post via Microsoft Sam. If that’s the case, keep bowing! While you do that, I’m going to call my optometrist to ask if he can stain glass this piece of photographic art to my contact lenses.
A New Case For Detective La Toya
MichaelJackson.com released a new song called “Breaking News” they say Michael Jackson recorded at a home studio in New Jersey back in 2007. The song will be on a new posthumous Michael Jackson album coming out later next month. Sony is swearing on their everything that it’s Michael Jackson’s voice on the song, but several members of the Jackson family including Katherine, La Toya, Prince and Paris think it’s an impostor voice!
Listen and judge for yourself:
You know, it could be Michael Jackson. But then again it could be Bubbles yodeling into a voice changer or patched together clips from Justin Bieber’s baby monitor. I don’t know, but I do know that the song better be shaking in its notes, because Detective La Toya has got her magnifying glass pressed firmly against her iPod and she’s about to crack this shit wide open!
via Towleroad
Det. La Toya + The Busey = GOLD
The cast of The Whore Pit Viper Extravaganza (official name: Celebrity Apprentice) hasn’t been officially announced yet, but Donald Trump’s gang of wrecks met in Las Vegas last weekend for a launch party before shooting starts in NYC, so names have leaked and it’s a mess. I knew Detective La Toya was doing it, but I didn’t know about Gary Busey. It almost reads like the patient list on a sign-in sheet at a crazy house. Here’s the supposed cast list courtesy of Zap2It:
Detective La Toya Jackson: Beauty icon, Bubbles’ confidante and protegee of Sherlock Holmes.
Mark McGrath: The evil and Sun-In-ed minion responsible for that annoying “Fly” song.
Dionne Warwick: Singer, actress, my messenger and alleged friend of the good shit.
Jose Canseco: Former baseball player, former roid aficionado and former Madge victim.
Lil Jon: Rapper and dentist’s nightmare (or dream, depending on the dentist).
Star Jones: A LAWYER and Gay Al Reynolds’ ex purse holder.
Gary Busey: Crazy’s best customer, of course, of course.
Marlee Matlin: Oscar winning actress!!
David Cassidy: The ghost of Justin Bieber’s future.
Niki Taylor: Supermodel and co-host of that Make Me A Supermodel tragedy
Meat Loaf: Like you need to ask….
Nene Leakes: One of the Real Foreclosed Housewives of Atlanta.
Lisa Rinna: Actress, reality star, store owner, and lip abuser.
Richard Hatch: First winner of Survivor, tax cheater and the winner of Mr. Sweet Prison Nalgas ’08.
Hope Dworaczyk: Some trick.
John Rich: One half of the country duo Big & Rich.
Star Jones is going to wish she still had some chunk when NeNe tries to stomp on her in the boardroom. Lil Jon is going to wish he was bald when Gary Busey refuses to stop nibbling on his dreads. And EVERYONE is going to wish they didn’t sign up for this mess when Detective La Toya reveals all of their secrets in front of a roaring fireplace.
When this shit is over Trump Tower will be nothing but dust and all that will be left will be Donald Trump’s hair and one of Gary Busey’s Chiclets. I can’t wait.
That’s Not A Camel Toe! That’s Just Where She Keeps Her Magnifying Glass!
Disguised as the most glamorous resident at a Boca retirement center who teaches Jazzercise under the gazebo by the pool on Tuesdays and who always talks about how an African prince gave her that safari hat when she was a missionary back in the 80s (TRUTH: Bitch got at the Jungle Cruise gift shop at Disney World), Detective La Toya landed in NYC yesterday to continue her journey through the foggy cobble stone streets to finally strike at the hand who is responsible for her brother’s death!!!!
And while she’s here, Detective La Toya is also going to do Celebrity Apprentice with Dionne Warwick and Lisa Rinna. Maybe La Toya can use her skills to get TO THE BOTTOM of why Donald Tramp (typo and it stays) always has to talk in a screamy voice.
Michael Jackson Wanted Bubbles To Talk, So Says La Toya
Detective La Toya needed to replenish her “Getting To The Bottom, Side And Top of Everything” fund, so she sold a few stories to the News of the World about her brother Michael Jackson and his one true soulmate Bubbles. La Toya (or as Bubbles calls her “Who’s this trick?“) says that Michael really wanted to have a conversation of words with Bubbles, so he consulted with several professionals about making his dream happen. La Toya explains:
“Michael always wanted to know how to make Bubbles speak and talk. They definitely communicated. One morning Michael called me said ‘You got to see this – he mimics everything I do’. So Michael starts brushing his teeth and Bubbles looks up and gets a tooth brush and starts brushing his teeth too. Then he wanted to give him vocal chords and asked doctors ‘Can I give him an operation so that I can know what his thoughts are’.”
The doctors warned MJ that operating on Bubbles’ larynx could eff him up for good, so they scratched that plan. But MJ still paid ape experts thousands of dollars to try to teach Bubbles how to talk. In the end, everyone learned that getting Bubbles to spit out human words was about as impossible as getting La Toya to make sense. But seriously, you know Bubbles just stayed mute because he didn’t have shit to say to any of them.
And why the hell would anybody give their pet the ability to curse their asses out? I mean, my dog already screams “I HATE YOU” with his eyes when I refuse to share my McDonald’s with him, so I really don’t need to hear those words from his mouth too.
THE REUNION OF THE CENTURY: La Toya & Bubbles
Not since Celie and Nettie embraced after 40 years apart while Miss Sophia looked on through her one working eye has a reunion softly caressed my no-heart and made me a little moist in the sockets. Detective La Toya Jackson took a break from starring in Michael Jackson tributes from here to Eyjafjallajokul to reunite with Bubbles the chimp in front of Animal Planet’s cameras.
In a special on the life of Bubbles airing tomorrow night, La Toya travels all the way to Bubbles’ new cage to see his face again after 20-something years and give him a pit bath with a garden hose.
La Toya also sits next to Bubbles’ cage and cries hot tears of whatever the fuck she injects into her face while he thinks to himself, “Who the fuck is this?” You can’t blame Bubbles for not giving a shit, because the last time he saw La Toya she didn’t have a face like an E.T. action figure. But I’m still standing next to them in spirit crying, “This is the day of my dream!” That it is!
Clip of Bubbles and La Toya’s reunion below: