A weird thing happened on Dancing with the Has-Beens and Never Wases last night. Gary Busey’s partner Anna Trebunskaya showed up and actually performed. I figured that the only moving she’d be doing is rocking back and forth in a padded room after every one of her nerves split from trying to teach Gary Busey how to do the Cha Cha Cha. But Anna must have the patience and nerves of Terrence Howard’s hostage wife, because her sanity has survived rehearsal with Gary Busey and they both laid down a thousand sweet moves during last night’s season premiere.
At the end of the night, The Teeth and Anna were grouped up with the bottom barrel bitches (Paula Deen, Kim Zolciak, Chaka Khan and Victor Espinosa), because they only got a total score of 15 from the judges. The judges are obviously too mainstream and are judging based on stupid shit like technique and skills instead of judging based on charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent. Gary became the winner of my heart when he took the floor and danced like a drunk grizzly bear meets Herman Munster on Ambien. (Steven Seagal must be giving Gary dance lessons on the side). Click to the 1:53 mark to get into the hot moves that Gary served up (and stay for the post-dance Buseyisms he gifted us with. All the good shit in the world couldn’t turn Jaden Smith into the profound philosopher that Gary Busey is):
And if you care, here’s the Butter Empress Paula Deen dancing the QuickStep. She’s as stiff as the clit boner she gets while watching The Birth of a Nation.
If you stayed to hear Paula say, “I had white underwear when I started, but it probably ain’t white no more,” you probably aren’t sitting in front of your screen anymore, because you’re dry heaving into a trash can. I’m surprised that Paula stopped there and didn’t say, “The back part of my panties are as brown as my cook and the front part are as yallaw as my manny-curr-est!”
Dancing with the WHOs? announced the cast for its 21st season this morning and yes, this wreck is still on and yes, it’ll be on forever, because there will always be has-beens, fame whores and never-wases who will gladly take a check in exchange for busting out the Viennese Waltz while wearing tons of fucking sequins. The good and surprising news is that the producers didn’t cast a Duggar or Ben Affleck’s nanny or catfisher extraordinaire Rachel Dolezal (although that mess is going to be busy making the most out of being knocked up). The bad news is that Paula Deen is in the cast. Actually, I shouldn’t say that’s “bad news,” because I’m sure she’ll win back the hearts of America when she dances the Jive to Al Jolson’s “Mammy” while her partner is done up like a giant butter stick.
The entire cast is below and I think my brain squirted out a “scratching head emoji” only five times!
Andy Grammer (Wikipedia tells me he’s a singer) is paired with Allison Holker
Alexa Vega (the little girl from Spy Kids) is paired with Mark Ballas
Bindi Irwin (Australia’s sweetheart when Queen Gina isn’t available to do her sweetheart duties) is paired with Derek Hough
Chaka Khan is paired with Keo Motsepe
Paula Deen is paired with Louis Van Amstel
Hayes Grier (a Vine and YouTube “star“) is paired with Emma Slater
Nick Carter is with Sharna Burgess
Carlos Pena (the little girl from Spy Kids’ husband) is paired with Witney Carson
Gary Busey is paired with Anna Trebunskaya
Alek Skarlatos (the French train hero) is paired with Lindsay Arnold
Victor Espinoza (the jockey best known for riding American Pharoah who should’ve been cast instead) is paired with Karina Smirnoff
Tamar Braxton (living Muppet and Toni Braxton’s sister) is paired with Val Chermovskiy
Kim Zolciak (The WIG from Bravo) is paired with Tony Dovolani
I may have to start watching this shit again. But I’ll only watch it until Gary Busey, who announced that he’s in the cast while riding a horse and dressed like a cowboy, is kicked out, which will probably be the first week since America has never understood and appreciated real organic dance talent like this:
And Gary’s partner Anna Trebunskaya better pre-book her trip to rehab now, because she’s going to need to dry out from all the booze, Valium, Xanax, morphine and Tension Tamer tea she’ll have to take to deal with his ass.
Pics: Wenn.com, ABC
Even though giant toothy ball of batshit crazy Gary Busey is playing life on Expert Level at all times, sometimes he fucks up and backs his car into a person in the parking lot of a grocery store. We all make mistakes, but Gary Busey’s are just that much more WTF worthy. TMZ says that on Friday afternoon, shit went down between Gary and a pedestrian as he was leaving a grocery store in Malibu. Instead of looking both ways behind him as he backed his car out of his parking spot, he was all “T.Y.I.G – trust your instincts, Gary” and just pulled out.
Unfortunately, there was a woman walking past his car when he pulled out and he hit her. But don’t worry, the woman Gary hit is fine. She suffered minor injuries, and was treated by paramedics before being released from the scene. However I’m sure the image of Fire Marshall Bill’s crazy grampa that flashed across the rear-view mirror moments before she was plowed down will haunt her forever.
I know driving can be difficult when the only thing your mind wants to concentrate on is how soon you can pop those Pizza Bagel Bites you just bought into the microwave, but you need to pay attention when you’re navigating the grocery store parking lot, Gary! Some of those things are built like the maze in The Shining. One time I was too distracted by the falafel sitting on my passenger seat and I drove my car over a concrete parking lot bumper. Yes, the falafel was delicious, but now my car makes a sound like two alley cats fucking. It’s never worth it, Gary!
The Walls Of The Celebrity Big Brother House Won’t Be Able To Contain All This Glamour, Star Power And Sophistication For Long
The spit, cum, pigeon shit and half-broken Ikea dowels that hold together the walls of the Celebrity Big Brother UK house are trying to keep it together, but it’s only a matter of time before they completely lose it while trying to contain all the throbbing mega servings of talent, prestige and perfection in there. The Detective La Toya in me thinks this season’s casting decisions are all part of an insurance scheme. Channel 5 knows that if they shove that much status and class into one house, the walls won’t be able to take it for long and they’ll blow right off. Then Channel 5 can collect the studio owners insurance money. I’m on to you, Channel 5.
The 14th season of CBB UK started up again last night and while assembling the cast, Channel 5 and the producers really reached high up into the galaxy to grab the brightest and biggest stars. The all-star A-list cast is led by Gary Busey and it includes the French dew drop from Rock of Love 2 Frenchy, Stephanie Pratt, Kelly Brook’s piece David McIntosh, Edele Lynch from B*witched, Leslie Jordan (Leslie Jordan, has it come to this?!) and a bunch of hos I don’t know.
Do Brits even know who Frenchy is? Whores like me know who Frenchy is, because she’s done pizza porn, Rock of Love 2 and a few other Vh1 shows, but I didn’t think she was known at all in the UK. What am I saying? Of course you Brits know who this jewel of France is. Duchess Kate has said many times that Frenchy, the reincarnation of Marie Antoinette, is her style and beauty icon.
If I had to put my weekly weed money on a winner, I’d put it all on Frenchy. The game will end in less than 10 hours and Frenchy will be the last one standing. Because as soon as she gets completely naked (which she will if she hasn’t already) and reveals her natural goddess body to the house, the houseguests will immediately pass out and will have to be rushed to the hospital to be treated for exposure to potent amounts of sheer beauty. Frenchy for the win!
This stunning portrait that is probably giving you the vapors will finally prove that America needs a monarchy and our King and Queen needs to be Gary Busey and Courtney Stodden, because they are a couple who is dignity and grace personified! Get on your knees and bow! Actually, you’re probably already on your knees, because that picture scared the shit out of you and you’re praying to Jesus to cleanse your eyes.
While some nothing, who cares event called the Oscars was happening at some piece of trash, low-budget venue called The Dolby Theater in Hollywood, a much more illustrious and important event called the
Annual Night of Zero Stars 24th Annual Night of 100 Stars happened in the Banquet Hall of a Quality Inn in Beverly Hills. The glittery jewels of Hollywood were all there. The Porn Iguana! Gary Busey! Brenda Dickson! Adrienne Maloof! And a hot piece who looks like a Siegfried Fischbacher statue made out of fried bologna!
Okay, the Porn Iguana and Gary Busey aren’t a real couple. If they were, we’d all know, because the stars would fall from the sky to be closer to them and your phone would immediately auto-correct to this picture every time you typed the word “love.” Besides, their love could never be, because her balloon tits would pop every time Gary flashed his horse-teeth-on-roids at them.
And fully take in the Porn Iguana’s “generic Barbie bought on Clearance at the 99 Cent store and left in a dirt patch in the backyard where it halfway melted and became a spider’s nest” beauty.
Gary Busey spent 7 minutes in heaven, LITERALLY, when he temporarily died on the operating table while neurosurgeons repaired his damaged brain after a serious motorcycle accident in 1988. Since Gary’s frequent flyer miles include a trip to Heaven, he is an authority on the interior decorating style of God. (You ain’t the only one, Colton Burpo.) So when it came time to shoot a scene in Heaven for that movie where Gary played a reincarnated Pomeranian dog, he refused to act in the scene, because the Heaven set didn’t look like Heaven at all! Curtis Armstrong (aka Booger from Revenge of the Nerds) told this story when the AV Club (via Videogum) asked him what it was like working with the crazy sparkle of Hollywood:
AVC: Yeah, sorry for dragging this one up. But this was a movie where you appeared alongside Gary Busey, who plays a software tycoon who dies and is reincarnated as a dog. Busey’s such a weirdo force-of-nature that we have to ask about working with him.
CA: It was just what you’d imagine. That’s about the best way to put it. We were shooting this movie—which is a horrible movie—and he was supposed to come back from the dead. And he of course, Gary Busey, supposedly had done this—he’d been in an accident and died and came back. He showed up on a set made to look like Heaven, and he looked around and said, “I can’t play this scene.” They were three days behind at this point. But Busey said, “It’s nothing like this. I’ve been to Heaven and it doesn’t look like this. That sofa’s all wrong. That mirror is ridiculous. They don’t even have mirrors!” It was ridiculous. He was completely nuts about the design of Heaven.
But then on top of it, one of the guys playing an angel, had also died and come back. And this guy got into an argument with Busey about the way Heaven looked! The two of them wound up coming to blows and they had to send everybody home. So there you go. That’s what we were working with.
Gary Busey fighting with an actor in an angel costume about what Heaven looks like IS what Heaven looks like.
No mirrors in Heaven means no Kardashians in Heaven! Heaven truly is Heaven. But why doesn’t anyone ever come back from Hell? They’re always coming back from Heaven. Do they even have sofas in Hell? Are Hell’s sofas just giant CROCS? Do they have mirrors? If they do, does the reflection of a topless Pimp Mama Kris look back at you every time you go to style your hair with House of Dereon gel (the #1 hair gel in Hell)? Somebody please tell me if there’s mirrors in Hell, because I need to know how many bottles of Windex to bring when I’m packing for my trip to my afterlife.