Detective La Toya Brings The Fuckery To Russia

At the Muz-TV Awards in Russia last night, Michael Jackson was posthumously honored with the National Award ‘For The Contribution To The International Pop Culture and Detective La Toya accepted the award on his behalf as well as perform “Earth Song” with a bunch of creepy children in white and a few pop stars. Without hitting play you already know this shit was a mess. The look on the face of the girl in the screen cap above is the only review you will need.

Det. LTJ’s mouth is on a 5-second delay, because the words showed up to the party before her lips did. The lip-synching would’ve looked more realistic if she just kept her mouth shut. But the best part is when they turned on the fans. Why did I want to wrap her in a white blanket, throw her in the basket on my bike and ride ride ride ride until the police sirens were far behind us!

via Toya’s World

Detective La Toya Is Not Amused

Detective La Toya’s monocle shattered into a million pieces and her deerstalker cap burst into flames after she flew into a rage over the news that Dr. Conrad Murray’s defense is claiming that Michael Jackson gave himself the deadly dose of Propofol. Somebody hold La Toya’s wig down, because if it flies off her head, it will cause damage!

TMZ has it on good authority that Dr. Connie and his defense team will tell the court that he gave Michael only a small 25mg dose of Propofol at 10:50am on that fateful day. MJ had already taken an Avitvan and a Versed, so he fell asleep fast. During the period of an hour, Dr. Connie stayed with MJ and made several phones calls. Dr. Connie claims that around noon, he left the room to take a piss. MJ was still asleep at that time. When Dr. Connie came back, he found that MJ had taken the rest of the 20ml bottle of Propofol himself through an IV. That was the dose that stopped his heart.

The police found an empty bottle of Propofol near the nightstand, and Dr. Connie’s lawyers will argue that he would’ve hid that shit if he was the one who gave MJ the fatal dose.

The truth is, I’m a little disappointed in Dr. Connie. This is the best scenario he could come up with? Somebody was taking a nap during creative writing classes. Dr. Connie should’ve said that Bubbles was always jealous of his close relationship with MJ, so he framed his ass with a little help from Louie the llama. What’s his proof? Just look at Louie’s shifty eye. That bitch was never right.

The Doctor Has Been Charged

As Detective La Toya predicted CENTURIES AGO, Dr. Conrad Murray was charged with involuntary manslaughter in the death of Michael Jackson. Prosecutors believe they have enough evidence to prove that Connie unlawfully killed MJ by over-medicating his ass with Propofol and other drugs.

The documents state that Connie “did unlawfully, and without malice, kill Michael Joseph Jackson … in the commission of an unlawful act, not a felony; and in the commission of a lawful act which might have produced death, in an unlawful manner, and without due caution and circumspection.”

E! says that Conrad will plead “not guilty” to the charge. If convicted, Connie could get up to 4 years in the chokey. Or if the court is feeling evil, they could throw him in a locked room with the big scary butchie bitch in the picture above. She’s the one in the black t-shirt who could break a strap-on just by thrusting her crotch at it.

Here’s Connie and the Jackson family (sans Janet) arriving at the court house today.

SanToya Claus Is Everywhere

Christmas is really the time for giving….and for posing in photo-ops. SanToya Claus conquered both of those things yesterday afternoon when she visited the children at AIDS Project L.A.

Thankfully, SanToya didn’t get the kids satin ass floss and nipple pasties from Frederick’s of Hollywood. Although, I wouldn’t have been mad if she passed out pairs of exquisite lucite heels since you’re never too young to learn the power of lucite.

SanToya also gave APLA a giant check for $10,000. Hmmm. Everybody should take cover, because that big ass check is going to cause some serious damage when it bounces back.

Here Comes SanToya Claus!

La Toya Jackson P.I. temporarily replaced her deerstalker cap with a Santa Claus hat to do a little Christmas shopping at the ho ho ho emporium known as Frederick’s of Hollywood yesterday.

No, La Toya was not buying crotch-less panties for Joe Jackson’s favorite Craigslist hookers. When asked by TMZ who she was buying lingerie for, she answered, “The children.” THE CHILDREN! Did the Jackson family secretly adopt Noah Cyrus without any of us finding out?

Oh, La Toya! Keep fucking that chicken!

Janet Has Obviously Been Talking To Detective La Toya

During a cold night recently, Detective La Toya made Janet Jackson a Hot Toddy, sat her down in a leather armchair in front of a roaring fire, and told her that she conducted a thorough investigation on their brother’s death, which revealed that he was killed by the hands of Dr. Conrad Murray! A wolf howled, a bolt of lightning struck the night and the truth came crashing down on Janet. In that moment, Janet not only realized that La Toya is the second coming of Sherlock Holmes, but suddenly everything made sense.

In an interview with ABC News, Janet echoes La Toya’s statement that Dr. Con killed their brother, “He was the one who was administering. I think he should be responsible.” Janet believes that he should never be able to practice medicine again.

Dr. Con has admitted to administering the anesthetic propofol, but he seems to think that he didn’t kill Michael.

Dr. Con just needs to give it up already. You can run, you can hide, but you can’t escape Detective La Toya!