Blake Lively Is My Hero

The Sherlock Holmes premiere was last night in NYC, and this is what Blake Lively wore to that shit.

My space heater is on blast, I’ve got two pairs of socks on my feet, a heating pad is shoved up in my crack and I’m still cold. So I have to bow down to Blake Lively for not letting something called “weather” fuck with her tramping it up on the red carpet.

I’m sure Blake’s vagina is blowing steam and her nipples might have already fell off due to frostbite, but WHO CARES! Cameras are flashing and Blake has a show to put on! Don’t let some stupid Snow Miser shit get in the way of you showcasing those chichis!

Other hos, who obviously don’t have Blake’s dedication, at the premiere were: Jude Law, Robert Downey Jr., Rachel McAdams, Guy Ritchie and Rocco Ritchie.

It’s The Iron Man 2 Trailer!

Here’s the trailer that made all nerds ruin their favorite pair of Transformers underoos last night. Okay, I’ll admit that I too got the shivers from watching Mickey Rourke whip bitches with his taser arms. You know, I think Kate Gosselin’s groomer also uses taser arms to style her rabid possum head.

I just have two gripes about this. First of all, this movie isn’t going to feel as baby wipes fresh without Terrence Howard. Second of all, did Kim Zolciak serve as wig consultant on this movie?

Tyler Durden To Take On Sherlock Holmes?

Guy Ritchie’s Sherlock Homeboy: The Hunt for Jude Law’s Next Baby Mama has wrapped up principal photography and is due out this Christmas, but The Mirror claims shit is about to change in a major way. According to sources, Warner Bros. wasn’t exactly blowing jizz bombs over the final cut and has demanded that Guy fix it pronto. They want Guy to re-shoot some scenes and add Sherlock’s arch rival, the evil Professor Moriarty, to the movie.

After being scolded by mommy and daddy, Guy immediately asked his old Snatch friend Brad Pitt to step in as Moriarty. Luckily for Guy, Brad has an open spot in his schedule and is available for the re-shoots. Brad has already arrived in London and will soon begin shooting.

A source said, “It was an oversight in the film not to make a bigger deal about Moriarty. He is mentioned as Holmes’ arch enemy, but the bosses wanted Guy to make more of him. Jude Law and Robert Downey Jr have already shot their scenes. But now that 10 extra days have been added to shoot the new ones, they may be called back for a day or two.”

Because of all the changes, the movie won’t open this Christmas and has been pushed into 2010.

Why bother with Benjamin Button’s?! I recently read that Guy wanted to explore Sherlock and Watson’s homoerotic relationship in this movie, so he could’ve just added a good old-fashioned ass-to-mouth scene at the end to sell more tickets. Nothing puts hos in seats like gay porn. Besides, I always felt that Watson’s face should be covered in man gravy when Sherlock delivers his signature line: “Elementary, my dear Watson.” Just pretend that made sense.

UPDATE: Well, fuck. A spokeswhore for Warner Bros. says this lies. They issued this statement to UsWeekly: “The report in today’s London Mirror is completely inaccurate. Brad Pitt is not joining the cast of Sherlock Holmes and we’re extremely pleased with the production of the film. As planned, it will be released on Christmas Day, 2009. In order to complete the movie, we’ve scheduled a few days on set to shoot a couple of additional scenes, obtain pick-up shots, and perfect some of the visual effects elements, all of which is standard filmmaking practice.”

ScarJo As The Black Widow

Loki’s soulmate, Robert Downey Jr. and ScarJo are all on the cover of the latest Entertainment Weekly as their Iron Man characters. While I appreciate seeing RDJ’s plastic red mango crotch and Mickey’s always-precious chilaquiles face, I am not amused by ScarJo.

It looks like she has Carrot Top’s luscious dick bush on her head. They should’ve just wrapped Carrot Top’s peen in black leather and had it play the Black Widow. It would probably do a better Russian accent than ScarJo too. OH FUCK, her Russian accent is going to make the entire city of Moscow weep for a thousand years. They are barely getting over Harrison Ford’s butchery in K-19: Widowmaker.

Jennifer Aniston, This Is Your Future

You know, I shouldn’t joke, because this is most likely going to be my future too. But instead of a crazy cat lady, I’ll be a crazy cat bunny puppy gay. I’m fine with it. Unlike humans, animals gladly leave their shit out in the open for you to deal with.

This is the trailer for a documentary on crazy cat ladies currently making the film festival rounds. It’s serious business. I like cats and kittens, but who needs 16 of them?! Besides Jeremy Piven, who wants to open up drawer to find a dozen pussies jumping out at them? Some of these hos needs to trade in a cat or two for a vibrator. When I’m a crazy cat bunny puppy gay, I hope to come back to this post and read that last sentence again so that I can take my own advice!

And we should all take these hot bitches out to a place that doesn’t reek of cat piss and tuna vomit for a really strong DRANK.

Sherlock Nipples

Guy Ritchie’s Sherlock Homey: The Search For Jude Law’s Hairline starring Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law isn’t hitting theaters until Christmastimes, but there’s already a trailer out. Guy Ritchie sold out to the man and the result doesn’t look that awful. I mean, this isn’t the Sherlock Homey isn’t at all likes the books. This has a lot of fighting, hard nipples, lost hairlines, explosions, cliche slow-mo shit and silly British accents! Seriously, his accent is kind of funny. I bet Vadge’s roidy-pussay sounds like that when it’s had too much champagne. That was Guy’s inspiration.

Hopefully, Sherlock Homey won’t be the latest in a string of shit shows for Guy Ritchie. Although, Swept Away is still one of my favorite movies to bong too. Try it. Vadge’s acting skills paired with some of the sweet green makes for a hilarious fucking experience.