Bradley Cooper Is A Man Of Many Talents

One way of shooting the gay rumors into the far distance is to talk about the time you caught a pussy ball with your mouth at a bar in Thailand. And Bradley Cooper did just that on Conan the other night. Todd Phillips, the director of The Hangover II, wanted to take pictures of all the characters acting like drunk fools all over Bangkok. So they all went to this bar and marveled at the skills of one talented trick who could turn her snatch into a ping pong ball launching machine. (Just like my movie idol, Cynthia from Priscilla Queen of the Desert!) B. Coop thought it would be every shade of hilarious if he opened his mouth as the pussy pong ball came flying out and well, I’ll let him say it in his words:

“Bangkok is known for these venues where females are able to do things with their nether regions that you wouldn’t think they’d normally do. So this one gal was able to eject ping pong balls at high velocities with amazing accuracy. I, being the jackass that I am, was like, ‘Let’s do one where I’m like (opens mouth).’ And I mean, pssssht, right in my mouth. Record skips, handi wipes coming out from everywhere, Ed Helms is throwing up! By the way, that’s not the only thing they do.”

Now this is the point in a post when I can either take a right by making the obvious joke about how I don’t know why everyone was freaking out since B. Coop always has Thai balls in his mouth. Or I can take a left by saying Renee Zellweger is wishing she could squint and launch with her vagina so that B. Coop would’ve opened his mouth around her every now and again. Or I can just keep my foot on the brake and we can share a joint while looking at these absolutely thrilling pictures from last night’s The Hangover II premiere in L.A.

In order: B. Coop in brown, RDJ with his wife, Ed Helms, Zach Galfalafelkisskiss, Alyssa Milano, the pigeon whisperer, Jordin Sparks, Krystal Kardashian, Mr. Jay and Ken Jeong.

Dusty Scenes From Coachella

It’s that time of year again when celebwhores from every list gather in the desert of California and hipster-ize themselves by rolling around in a bin at the Salvation Army and filling their pores with Patchouli! It’s Coachella! It felt only fitting to let Tara Reid, who puts the hell in Coachella, lead the way of hos who look like they just fell out of the ass of an Urban Outfitters.

Only Tara the Terrible would wear Lucifer’s footwear of choice in 1 million degree weather. You just know the inside of her UGGs are coated with a thick, gooey toe-smegma that is made of whiskey that secretes out of her foot pores and coke dust from an 8-ball she stashed in there years ago. At the end of the night when all the food trucks are closed, Tara can smear that UGGs butter on a piece of cardboard and get drunk high all over again! Actually, Tara might be a genius for that. This is the only time in history I approve of UGGs.

Anyway, here’s who joined Tara in sweating their pits off while sucking the nuts of a coco. In order: Penn Badgley with the gay son from Desperate Housewives, RDJ!!!!, Vanessa Hudgens (who needs to know that we already have one Lisa Bonet), Tara, Jack Osbourne, Alessandra Ambrosio with her dude, Nick Simmons, Dita Von Teese, Usher, Danny DeVito, Ashley Greene with that dude from Kings of Leon, The Hoff with his latest leased piece, Kellan Lutz, Paul McCartney, ASkars with Kate Bosworth, Tony Hawk and Bud Bundy.

Two Boring Pretty People Got Married

You can either read the boring non-details of Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr’s “intimate and secret” wedding, or you can just skip down below to a video of two kittens falling into the Zzzzzzzs (aka you while reading the boring non-details of Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr’s wedding). You should go through the door marked “SWEEPY KITTEHS.” Seriously, go with the kittens. GO! You’re on your way to the kittens, right? They are waiting to fall asleep for you. GO!

People Magazine reports that Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom got married just a month after announcing their engagement. Miranda issued a statement of words explaining why she recently canceled an appearance she was scheduled to make at David Jones in Australia: “David Jones very graciously released me during this period so we could celebrate an intimate ceremony and honeymoon together.”

Miranda didn’t give up anymore details such as if pretty Orlando wore a tiara on his pretty head or if he went with a classic white veil. Miranda also didn’t say how long the pretty fetus in her pretty womb has been hanging out in there. Well, your thoughts went there. And if you’re reading this that means you didn’t go with the kittens. You ignored the kittens! You are a monster! May a kitten never fall asleep in front of you again! Wait. Actually, if you tried to read this post instead of watching the sleepy kittens, you are probably asleep too…like the kittens! Sleep on then!

KITTENS!!! via TDW

And Now Here’s A Two-Faced Kitten….Followed By A Pussy Slap

A two-faced pussy (no relation to Paris Hilton) sounds like something that might crawl into your nightmares, but this one is actually kind of adorable. Although, Two Face is small enough that it can get into your room undetected and climb up onto your bed to steal air from your mouth and nostrils at the same time. That’s if Richard Gere doesn’t get to Two Face first. Two faces = two tongues = Richard Gere, don’t even fucking think about it!

And here’s another cat video of a cute kitten in a top hat is just trying to be cute on camera when a bitchy ass bitchy pussy tries to slap the cuteness out of it. You can relate. Sometimes you just want to slap a kitten in a tiny hat.

Speedo (that name explains why she’s such a cunt) is just jealous that she can’t wear a tiny hat, because her head is too fat! Or maybe Speedo pimp slapped her kitten for failing to entertain while wearing a tiny hat. If that’s the case, Speedo is totally the Joe Jackson of cats.

via TDW and BWE

We’re Off To See RDJ?

Hollywood is currently trying to make a Wizard of Oz prequel happen, and apparently Robert Downey Jr. is in talks to play the title role. File this under: “Hold me and tell me how to feel about this, because I just don’t know….”

The Los Angeles Times reports that screenwriter Mitchell Kapner has finished a screenplay based on several L. Frank Baum. The script follows a young Wizard as he comes to Oz from Kansas to do wizard shit. Or something. Apparently, the Wizard in the prequel is darker and more complex, which is why producers think Robert Downey Jr. is perfect for the role. Disney is also throwing around Sam Mendes’ name as a possible director.

You know, I’m okay with this as long as the new Wizard of Oz syncs up perfectly with a Pink Floyd album. I’ll also be extra okay with this if Snooki and Gary Coleman play members of the Lollipop Guild. They need the work.

Now This Is How You Spend A Saturday Afternoon

Look, it’s scissoring as seen through the eyes of Cute Overload! G-rated puss on puss action.

You might be waiting for a big happy ending, but the truth is the whole video is one giant happy ending!

via Videogum