Kendra Wilkinson Wrote An Eloquent Essay On Her Second Pregnancy

The name “Kendra Wilkinson” should have been the only clue you needed to know that the above statement is a rancid Diaper Genie sausage of a lie. Eloquent essay? Come on guys, she wrote about damp pregnancy shits and being horny all the time.

Kendra Wilkinson, who you may remember as one of the former caretakers of the dusty unfrozen corpse of Hugh Hefner, recently wrote about the third trimester of her second pregnancy for People. And if you’ve ever wanted to know about the greasy ins and disgusting outs of a woman with no filter and no fucks to give, then you’re in luck:

On how her morning begins with waking and baking (bootycakes, that is):
“My food choices are pretty consistent for each meal. I have a high fiber meal in the morning so I can relieve myself (LOL) and get my metabolism started.”

On ripping hot ones:
“Unfortunately, while I’m eating all this healthy food, the only thing I can’t control are the smelly and loud gas noises coming from my body!”

On why her husband, Hank Baskett, keeps postponing their trip to Downtown Poundtown:
“The sex is lacking this pregnancy. Newsflash — I’m a very sexual creature. I love my man and sex, but sometimes I feel Hank is not attracted to me. He tells me that I complain about this pain or that pain every five minutes, so why would he want to touch me?!”

On her underwear being re-zoned as swampland:
“When I cough, I either fart, pee or cramp.”

Of course, it was written for People so she probably had to heavily edit out specifics, like just how many times a day she aggressively rubs her horny Playboy pocket against Hank’s leg, or the exact volume of noxious gas her b-hole is excreting on an hourly basis. But I’m sure if you asked her nice enough on Twitter, she might tell you. Sorry, did I say might? I meant to say: she definitely will in dry-heaving detail.

Kendra Wilkinson’s Whole Family Is Crazy

Kendra Wilkinson’s…wait, hold up. She’s still a thing? This conversation I had with the husband during our umpteenth Golden Girls rerun on WE sums up Kendra for me and many, many others.

The scene: An ad for Kendra On Top plays every ten minutes during the one where Blanche is trying to remember the name of the soldier dude she fucked before he went off to the Gulf War and she figures out he was actually her Valtrex supplier.

The husband: Who’s that?
Me: Kendra Wilkinson
The husband: Who’s she?
Me: She fucked on Hef and got some shows out of it?
The husband: ….
Me: She got kicked off Dancing With The Stars for farting?
The husband: …
Me: She has a really annoying laugh?
The husband: This bitch is famous?

Precisely.

Kendra’s family has just given us a clue as to why a girl would consider getting into an orgy line for carbon-dated peen to be a career goal.They’re all out of their damn minds. According to TMZ and Radar Online, Kendra’s mom Patti and her bro Colin are pissed at her because they were the last to know about her upcoming contribution to our overpopulation problem. Ma Wilkinson says that a phone convo with Kendra about her pregnancy got ugly and claims her daughter told her to go die. Patti feels that Hollywood has changed Kendra. Lady, you try keeping it sexy when your main john constantly douses your sexual heat with frequent colostomy bag drainings and see if you don’t turn jaded!

This led to brother Colin Wilkinson calling his sister “a psychotic bitch” who can go straight to hell and Tweeting that she was “inconsiderate”. Psychotic bitch who can go straight to hell I could live with (and proudly), but inconsiderate? Fuck you!

This whole thing is some obvious Kendra On Top script grist and marketing. Because who needs to know if someone is pregnant? Seriously, wake me when the baby comes (and I’ll come by to see it when I’m damn good and ready). Pregnancy causes traumatic social awkwardness and body horror for everyone involved. I was invited to put my hand on a gal’s stomach to feel her baby kick one time, did so, and it made me wish we were all shiny androids without bodily functions. Terrifying.

Pic: Bauer Griffin

How Many Whos Are There In The New Dancing With The Has-Beens Cast?

HAIL XENU! After turning down almost every season of Dancing with the (Pause) Stars (Question Mark), Kirstie Alley has finally realized that a fourth Look Who’s Talking? is never going to happen and is now going to waddle for that mirror ball trophy! We can make jokes about how Kirstie’s partner has already signed a disability waver and how he’s going to keep her chins up during the waltz by dangling a deep fried butter nugget over her head, but she looked as light as John Travolta’s heatproof sauna wig during the announcement ceremony last night. Yes, they actually had a fucking announcement ceremony for this WHO CARES mess. But anyihopekirstiesdressesareallmadeofcondiments…

Whenever the newest batch of dancing relevant seekers is announced, I always judge how big and bold the Has-Beens in the title should be by how many question marks form above my head while looking at a cast photo. You can play too! Here’s the 11 people who will be called “a seductive panther stalking its prey in the middle of a dance floor jungle” by Bruno at least once during the season. Warm up your question mark making machine!

Kirstie Alley (paired with Maksim Chmerkovskiy) – Twitter’s first lady of crazy and the reason why Krispy kremes

Kendra (paired with Louie van Amstel) – Hef’s former catheter changer and the owner of the most annoying laugh on the planet (even worse than Natalie P’s)

Sugar Ray Leonard (paired with Anna Trebunskaya) – Tommy Davidson’s alter ego, world champion fighter and the new object of Kirstie’s affection (dude does have “Sugar” in his name)

Wendy Williams (paired with Tony Dovolani) – self-proclaimed queen of all media and talking wig

Chelsea Kane (paired with Mark Ballas) – some Disney ho

Ralph Macchio (paired with Karina Smirnoff Ice) – the ONLY Karate Kid

Chris Jericho (paired with Mop Head) – WWE champion wrestler

Petra Nemcova (paired with Dmitry Chaplin) – tsunami survivor and model

Psycho Mike Catherwood (partner unknown) – cohost of Love Line

Hines Ward (paired with Kym Johnson) – the wide receiver for the Steelers and the second object of Kirstie’s affection (dude is a “Duncan” away from being Duncan Hines)

Lil’ Romeo (paired with Chelsie Hightower) – rapper and the spawn of Master P

My brain is the Wikipedia of D-listers and never wases, but I still threw a “Harpo, who dis woman?” at three names: Psycho Mike, Hines Ward and Chelsea Kane. So I give this cast 3 Que Cats:

Not bad! And of course, I’m rooting for Kirstie, because I can’t wait to see her double down ass in Maksim’s face.

Are You Kidding Me With This Shit?

No, Kendra is not declaring on the cover of OK! Magazine that she had a miscarriage. Kendra is also not admitting to OK! Magazine that she misplaced her baby while changing his diaper and talking on the phone at the same time (Note to Kendra: Multitasking is for professionals). When you turn the cover of OK! Magazine, the first two pages read in giant letters: SYKE!!!!! The “tragic news” is that Kendra has sent her baby Hank to live with her husband in Minnesota for a while and now she’s lonely in her great big California mansion.

Fucking with your emotions: OK! knows how to do it.

Is really that slow of a gossip week that Kendra and OK! had to try to resuscitate your blackened heart with this sob story that isn’t even a sob story. I mean, this is the opposite of tragic. Baby Hank is no longer exposed to his mother’s “Woody Woodpecker getting ass fucked by the Energizer Bunny” laugh. That is HAPPY NEWS! Wasn’t there something else OK! could’ve put on their cover instead? Like the woman busting her ass on local TV? That’s newsworthy! Or that Yoko Ono might secretly be a World of Warcraft Monster? That’s newsworthy too! Eh, I guess it could’ve been worse. They could’ve put a Kardashian on the cover.

Kendra Wilkinson’s Life Is Hard

In this week’s issue of Boo Fucking Hoo Weekly, Hugh Hefner’s former nappy changer Kendra Wilkinson makes a heartfelt plea for you to light an Our Lady of Guadalupe candle in her honor and save your prayers for the starving children of the world for another day because she has it harder. Before you open your front door to kick at Kendra as she begs for your pity on the ground, read her plight!

Kendra on how she took her 11-month-old son Hank Jr. back to L.A. after her husband Hank Baskett got dropped by the Philly Eagles and signed to the Minnesota Vikings: “Not having Hank around hurts. Moving across the country by myself makes me think of my own mom who raised me and my brother alone. Hank’s not going to be there forever, but with him not physically here, I’m a single parent now.”

Kendra on why she isn’t moving to Minnesota to be with Hank: “I fit in well in Philly, and I could relate to all the people, but the West Coast is my home. This is where all my family and friends are.”

Kendra on how she felt once her husband GOT A JOB by signing to the Vikings: “It hurt a lot. When Hank left I felt lonely. He’s my everything. Nobody else can really fill that loneliness. We cry. It’s hard, and we aren’t ashamed to cry.”

Kendra on how this Christmas will be the HARDEST CHRISTMAS in the history of Christmases: “I’m going to go back to the minus-2-degree weather to spend Thanksgiving, baby Hank’s 1st birthday and Christmas in a small one bedroom hotel room with my husband and son. That’s all that matters to me.”

Yeah, see. How can you not form a cry circle for a single and lonely parent. Specifically, a single and lonely parent whose HUSBAND deposits thousands of dollars into their checking account and pays for the mortgage on their California mansion and their tab at Bristol Farms and the car payments on their fleet of German luxury vehicles. So stop your bitch whining about how you’re going to have to float checks to cover your November rent, because at least you’re not Kendra.

But seriously, Kendra needs to scrub the crusted tears off her retinas so she can get a good look at Hank Jr. and rectify his beauty situation! THAT HAIR! Richards Simmons in the back and Emo in the front is not the look for him. Once she fixes that, she can figure out what Hank Jr’s season is since that particular shade of lip chap is doing nothing for his eyes.

Quote Of The Day: Kendra’s Magical First Time With Hef

In Kendra’s first book “Sliding Into Home” (Do what you will with that title), she talks about the first time she ever got it on with Hef and it pretty much sounds like the most romantic experience ever. Instead of Barry White playing in the background, they were serenaded by the hum from Hef’s blood pressure machine. Instead of flickering candles, the room was lit up by the nekkid peroxide blondes awaiting their turn to leave their dignity on Hef’s shriveled crotch worm. I’ll let Kendra tell you the rest in her own words:

“One of the girls asked me if I wanted to go upstairs to Hef’s room. In my head I could hear my mom’s voice, ‘You know they have orgies there.’ I said ‘Okay, if I have to.’ It seemed like every other girl was going and if I didn’t it would be weird. One by one, each girl hopped on Hef and had sex with him for about a minute. I studied their every move. Then it was my turn, it was very weird. I wasn’t thinking about how much older Hef was, all the body parts worked the same. I wanted to be there.”

Basically if you’re one of Hef’s hos, you wait in line to grab the defibrillator pad from the skank before you so that you can jumpstart his heart again before mounting and pumping him. Then when Hef’s heart stops, that’s your cue to hand the pad off to the next trick and join the others in the shower room next door where they are all on the floor silently weeping into their hands. Sign us all up, because that sounds like an orgy ride none of our genitals can miss!

Source: Simon & Schuster via Star Magazine