Kendra Wilkinson Wrote An Eloquent Essay On Her Second Pregnancy

March 27, 2014 / Posted by:

The name “Kendra Wilkinson” should have been the only clue you needed to know that the above statement is a rancid Diaper Genie sausage of a lie. Eloquent essay? Come on guys, she wrote about damp pregnancy shits and being horny all the time.

Kendra Wilkinson, who you may remember as one of the former caretakers of the dusty unfrozen corpse of Hugh Hefner, recently wrote about the third trimester of her second pregnancy for People. And if you’ve ever wanted to know about the greasy ins and disgusting outs of a woman with no filter and no fucks to give, then you’re in luck:

On how her morning begins with waking and baking (bootycakes, that is):
“My food choices are pretty consistent for each meal. I have a high fiber meal in the morning so I can relieve myself (LOL) and get my metabolism started.”

On ripping hot ones:
“Unfortunately, while I’m eating all this healthy food, the only thing I can’t control are the smelly and loud gas noises coming from my body!”

On why her husband, Hank Baskett, keeps postponing their trip to Downtown Poundtown:
“The sex is lacking this pregnancy. Newsflash — I’m a very sexual creature. I love my man and sex, but sometimes I feel Hank is not attracted to me. He tells me that I complain about this pain or that pain every five minutes, so why would he want to touch me?!”

On her underwear being re-zoned as swampland:
“When I cough, I either fart, pee or cramp.”

Of course, it was written for People so she probably had to heavily edit out specifics, like just how many times a day she aggressively rubs her horny Playboy pocket against Hank’s leg, or the exact volume of noxious gas her b-hole is excreting on an hourly basis. But I’m sure if you asked her nice enough on Twitter, she might tell you. Sorry, did I say might? I meant to say: she definitely will in dry-heaving detail.

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