Vanilla Gorilla’s Childhood Picture Will Forever Live On Kat Von D’s Body

Kat Von D has pretty much turned her alive carcass into a tattooed yearbook of loved ones, because she’s got her late mother’s face, her ex-husband’s face and a few of her friends’ faces inked into her flesh. So of course, Kat got her ex-TRUE LOVE’s face tattooed under her armpit, but she went with one of his childhood photos. If anybody isn’t going to get weirded out from staring at their grade school picture while side fucking their piece, it’s Vanilla Gorilla.

In the first episode of L.A. Ink’s new season, Kat drags VG into her studio to show him the tattoo. Kat even proves that she has SLYCIC abilities when she says to VG, “I thought you were going to dump me.” The clip of VG’s shifty eyes trying to shift straight for the exit is below:

A mess. Kat Von D is like your brain on a coke binge and Vanilla Gorilla is like your brain after a coke binge. VG is acting like a chimpanzee who was trained to only shit in a yellow bucket and was pushed into an empty room with a butt full of caca and no yellow bucket in sight. VG’s eyes are shifting everywhere looking for something, anything to save him. Like a cholo in court.

And Kat isn’t totally a wet coloring book stuffed with dumb. Kat did the right thing by getting VG’s childhood pictured etched into her flesh skin. Bitch can tell people it’s just a tattoo of Elena Kagan in a Dutch Boy wig (no offense to Elena Kagan or a Dutch Boy wig).

via Radar

These Two Trash Heap Whores Ended Their True Love Affair

Hazmat vans are patrolling the streets and the CDC has warned everyone to keep their genitals inside, because when Vanilla Gorilla and Kat Von D break up, the diseased trash is no longer contained and will spread. Cherubs have retired their arrows forever and seagulls are having a sad since their favorite couple to pick trash off of have ended their engagement after only humping the scab-covered smugness out of each other for less than a year. What I’m trying to say here is, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SANDRA!

Kat Von D was supposed to start the journey in becoming Vanilla Gorilla’s fourth ex-wife in a pre-divorce ceremony this summer, but he says it’s not going to happen. Kat Von D will not become the fourth ho who VG fucks over by fucking anything with a tattooed labia. With VG living in Austin and Kat Von D living in L.A., their TRUE LOVE just couldn’t withstand the distance. VG tells People:

“I’m so sad because I really love her. The distance between us was just too much.”

And Kat Von D who collects a check for vomiting out her private shit on basic cable, asked everyone to respect her privacy.

“I am no longer w Jesse, and out of respect for him, his family and myself, thats all the info I’d like to share. Thanks for respecting that.”

“That’s all the info I’d like to share“? Why didn’t this busted wig-wearing skeezer make that vow a couple of months ago before she started going on about how Vanilla Gorilla is THE ONE and her TRUE SOULMATE who will be with her forever? Now the bitch wants to shut her mouth?

It’s sort of poetic that Kat Von D and Vanilla Gorilla are coincidentally announcing this shit just a couple of days before the new season of L.A. Ink premieres. And in all the previews, Kat Von D goes on about how it’s true love this time and she doesn’t care what anybody thinks. I hope the producers have enough time to add a laugh track to that episode.

Vanilla Gorilla And Kat Von D Are Getting Married This Summer

Vanilla Gorilla has used his hailin’ fist to beat down the rumor that his engagement to Katherine von Drachenberg is no more. Life & Style ran story claiming that Vanilla Gorilla told his friends that Kat Von D is too much drama and he’s not interested in making her the fourth wife he’ll totally fuck over in the worst way. But Vanilla Gorilla told People that there’s no trouble trashadise and everything’s going according to plan. In fact, VG tells People that he and Kat Von D will beat the dead carcass that is marriage by becoming husband and wife on their one-year anniversary as a couple:

“We’re still going strong. Things are completely good with us. That day can’t come soon enough! Everything is on track. I am absolutely more in love today than I was a year ago. She’s the one for me.”

Of course their one-year anniversary is in August. Most big cities in August reek of grilled dog shit, baked kitty litter, rancid hamburger juice and dirty flip-flop butter so nobody will notice when the disgusting fumes of trash waft from VG and Kat’s lips during their first kiss as a married couple. No, seriously, if VG insists on trying to make marriage work for him, I’ll tell him the same thing I tell my Chihuahua when he tries to butt hump a Labrador at the dog park: “Have fun trying, bitch, because it’s never going to happen.”

Jesse James Says Kat Von D Is A “Vixen” In Bed

Vanilla Gorilla writes in his memoirs that he never felt he was on the same level as Sandra Bullock, because she’s a high-class movie star with refinement running through her veins and he’s a piece of trash biker kid who listens to his music too loud. VG goes on to write that he felt trapped being married to Sandra which is one of the reasons why he licked on every tattooed labia in the skank bouquet. There’s one way he’s putting the blame on Sandra. VG subtlety put more blame on Sandra yesterday during an interview with Howard Stern. But before we get to that mess, here’s what VG had to say when Howard asked him if his ex-wife was better at sex shit than his current fiancee. You already know the answer.

Howard: Who’s more fun in bed? Sandra Bullock or Kat Von D?

Jesse: That one’s an easy no-brainer.

Howard: ….Kat Von D

Jesse: Yes, sir. Hundred percent.

Howard: Hundred percent?

Jesse: She’s a vixen, man. I love her.

Howard: What is she doing in that bed? She must be hanging from the ceiling.

Jesse: She just… Man, the way she just gets in my head and makes me feel. You know, it’s a mental thing. Just connected on a whole different level.

If Sandra Bullock has the stuff that makes nutsacks burst into the clouds above and open a pathway to heaven for the angels’ voices to travel through, this bitch would still say Kat Von D. If Kat Von D gave head like a catatonic turtle and laid there like an al dente lasagna noodle, he’d still say Kat Von D. The answer to that question is: who ever he’s currently fucking. Therefore that question and answer are both invalid. Moving on…. Howard then brought up a very good point.

Howard: If she cheated on you, you’d be devastated. You’d understand the hurt that Sandra went through.

Jesse: If she cheated on me, I would forgive her and still love her.

See, another slight dig followed by a slap of blame. Vanilla Gorilla is full of so much cold shit that it’s starting to back up and trickle out of his mouth. Even an enema the size of the Hoover Dam can’t clear him out.

Kat Von D should really take his words as a dare and scoot her poon all over everywhere. Let her vag flag fly without shame! Just leave a trail and see what he does then. Take him up on that, Kat!

via Radar

Now This Is A Real Show

Coachella can go and suck the desert dust out of its cooch, because the real party went down on top of a table at The Gay and Lesbian Center benefit when Juliette Lewis defied the laws of tight white pants by rage squatting during her band’s performance. That bottle of wine doesn’t know whether to pop its cork or sit real still hoping that her crotch thetans don’t suck it right in. I’m no pelvic expert, but Juliette looks like she could Kegel up a suction tunnel so I’m thinking the latter happened. Juliette also wasn’t alone on the table, Cyndi Lauper threw her ass up there during her performance. You know your weekend has been made when you’re staring into the crotch of a legend.

And no, you’re not the only one who is looking at those bottles of sweet sweet nectar like a worried parent watching their toddler play in the sand box around a bunch of rowdy ass brats. Juliette is a poot and scoot away from sending that beautiful bottle crashing to the floor. I’m all for stomping on a table, but make sure the innocents (aka the bottle of booze) are safe and sound first.

Here’s a few more pictures of Juliette and Cyndi hollerin’ for the gays in L.A. last night. Chely Wright, her fiancee, Vanilla Gorilla and Kat Von D also showed up. Hopefully, a bold gay with taste snatched that gutter garbage wig right off of Kat Von D’s head and put it back on the end of a mop where it belongs. That wig is seven pounds of BUSTED.

Kat Von D And Vanilla Gorilla’s True Love Continues To Bloom

….as do the vomitous bubbles that form on your eyeballs when you see these two together. Kat Von D and Vanilla Gorilla celebrated her 29th birthday yesterday by partaking in a good old-fashioned photo-op on the roof of a parking garage in Santa Monica, CA. Kat told the paps that she wanted a picture to remember her special day. Kat, who wore Shaggy’s favorite vacation outfit, also wanted to give the tabloids a precious cover picture to tear in two with Photoshop when Vanilla Gorilla’s swastidick gets caught in another trick’s poon. Kat is considerate like that.

And VG is always heiling Hitler with his entire body. Like he’s as stiff as a rigamortized dick. I bet that VG killed the “stiff as a board” part during the “Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board” game.