Kat Von D And DeadMau5 Broke Up Again

Kat Von D and DeadMau5’s crotch crabs can return the tuxedos and gowns they rented, because the under-water themed wedding of the year is canceled and is never going to happen. “I am turning inside/out with SHOCK” said every single one of us, because we all thought that they’d last longer than a herp breakout in August. I mean, he proposed on Twitter with a picture of an engagement ring. If that isn’t the sign of true forever love, then I don’t know what is. But sadly, just like Vanilla Gorilla before him, DeadMau5 broke Kat’s heart when he broke his tattooed mouse dick on a side slut’s crotch. Kat said on Twitter today that another fiancé has bit the dust:

Cheating on your loved one is the most hurtful thing one could do. I hate to have to admit, that this relationship is indeed over.

— Kat Von D (@thekatvond) June 26, 2013

Um, well to me, the most hurtful thing one can do is, I don’t know, murder me, serve me iceberg lettuce without blue cheese dressing or play an unforgivable joke on me by telling me that Joan Collins is dead. But that’s just me. Oh well, Kat and DeadMau5’s Powder-on-meth-looking ass will get back together and break up again before she goes on to date some other ho who she’ll get engaged to after five seconds and then break up with after he cheats on her. We’ve all seen the movie and the sequel so we know how this shit is going to play out.

Kat And Mau5 Are Going To Have An Underwater-Themed Wedding

I guess Kat Von D and Deadmau5 are ignoring the health department’s request and not getting married in a quarantine tent while officials in Hazmat suits spray them down with liquid antibiotics. Instead of doing that, Kat and Mau5 are planning on throwing an underwater-themed wedding. This is actually a good idea, because now their guests won’t look too weird when they throw bacteria-killing chlorine bleach at them before hugging them.

Kat Von D tells People that on August 10th, she will become Deadmau5’s future ex-wife during an underwater-themed wedding in front of 200 friends and family in Los Angeles. Kat says that she and Deadmau5 are really into the short story The Call of Cthulhu, about an octopus human, so their wedding will feature all the creatures of the sea. They’re going to have blue and green-colored food and performers dressed as mermaids. Kat also said that her dress is going to look like something the ocean threw up:

“It will have a sleek silhouette and include hints of iridescent teals, blues and deep violet ombré gradients. I didn’t know the dress was supposed to be a surprise.”

Kat and Mau5 both look like something rotten that a fisherman threw back into the ocean after it got caught in his net, so this underwater theme is perfect for them. I can already hear their guests let out an “awwww” when Kat’s crotch crabs come shuffling out in their bridesmaids dresses. I really hope that the front of their invitation has Deadmau5’s octopus sex tattoo on it, because that will set the tone for a day of true romance.

And here’s Kat wearing a zippered camel toe jumpsuit and alien heels to a book signing in NYC last night.

The Douchiest Proposal Ever

Kat Von D and Deadmau5 started rubbing their tattooed genitals together last September and they stopped for a minute in November after she subtly accused him of passing his mau5 dick to another whore, but true love always prevails! Mau5 just couldn’t get enough of licking Jesse James’ dried jizz off of Kat Von D’s stomach, because they got back together and now they’re engaged to be married. Like two 15-year-olds who met on MySpace and live thousands of miles apart, Deadmau5 asked Kat Von D to be his future ex-wife on Twitter and tweeted a picture of the ring he’s going to get her:

After Kat Von D printed that picture out and wrapped it around her finger, she typed these words:

And then DeadMau5 kept this public display of pure class going….

I really can’t wait for them to get married on Skype, spend their honeymoon by posting stock pictures of tropical places on Instagram and give birth to a Tumblr before getting divorced on Facebook. A true modern day romance. Yes, Kat Von D just got engaged (for like the ten millionth time) to a DJ who regularly wears a mouse head and proposed to her ass on Twitter, but he’s still a major upgrade from Jesse James. So there’s that.

via UsWeekly 

Kat Von D Thanks Vanilla Gorilla For Cheating On Her Ass With 19 Tricks

What’s that saying? A leopard can change its spots? Or is it, a Vanilla Gorilla can’t stop being a whore? Well, whatever that saying is, Kat Von D has finally tattooed it to the outside of her brain after a self-realizing journey through the land of obvious showed her the light (and VG’s 19th side piece). Kat slipped into the open confessional booth on Facebook where she admitted that she once believed that she could tame Vanilla Gorilla’s forever wandering slut dick and prove to the public that he’s not just a mutated, lie-filled anal wart with beady eyes and a philandering peen. Kat starts out her Facebook post by saying that if her relationship with VG was a reality show, it would probably be called 19 Skanks and Counting.

Never have I felt so strong about True Love, than I do today. I believe in Love more than anything else, and more than ever before.

Today I encountered the 19th girl to add to the list of people Jesse cheated on me with during this last year.
I kept going back and forth in my mind as to what the best way would be for me to release and let go of any residual feelings remaining from that toxic relationship. All of this may sound petty or immature to some, but I assure you this is coming from a place of pure honesty and love.

There was a time when I was confident and excited at proving the world wrong, because I believed so deeply in people’s ability to change for the better. Although this was not a primary purpose in the relationship, I did feel like it would be a positive thing for those who judged Jesse solely based on what they read in tabloids, to see that change is always possible – even in the people who seem hopeless.

I still believe that, even if that change never occurs inside of him – because I see proof of change everyday – in others, and in myself.
I’m far from perfect, but am willing to examine myself, and my patterns of dysfunction, and then put in the work to better myself. It’s a daily practice, but it’s working.

Sure, its easy to tell someone, “I told you so” especially if you’re criticizing someone from the outside, but that attitude comes from a place called Ego, and not Love.
I know I deserve a big fat “I told you so,” from everyone, and wish I didn’t have to say, “You all were more right than you’ll ever know” but you were.

Not to worry, I’ve gladly paid the consequences for every mistake I’ve ever made, but learned so much from each of them.

Kat then goes on to write that she is sick of being compared to VG’s original whore Bombshit McGee, but she’s mainly telling us all of this as a way of making peace with herself….and because a bitch could really use some press now that her reality shit show is lying dead under TLC’s hoarders pile.

I think it just made me sad today to imagine him still in that dark place – where seeking validation through the attention of women takes precedence over being a good father, a sincere friend, a better coworker, and a happy individual.

I tried my best to go through all of this without venting, or complaining, or fueling more tabloid mumbo jumbo – but this isn’t about any of that.
This is about me making peace with myself, and forgiving myself for making some bad mistakes.

I don’t want to sink into the feelings of regret, or resentment.
Because right now, for the first time in my life I have felt regret, (for someone like me, who’s never felt that before, this is hard to say out loud).

Time is something you can never get back, and what we do with this very present moment is the most real thing we have. So if that’s the lesson Jesse forced me to face and learn by all of this, than all I can say is Thank You.

It would be nice to move on now, and kindly thank you all in advance for your support, love, and positivity.

Life is far too grand to focus on the negative and put each other down.

Breaking news: a trash heap ho who tattooed her face so that it looks like the Milky Way gave her a facial had a huge lapse in judgement. Fuck me with a DUH.

Yes, Kat Von D should’ve seen this coming (the same way her pussy saw a lifetime of stinging as soon as VG’s STD stick touched it), but there’s really a lesson we can all learn from this. The first time he cheats, shame on him. The second time he cheats, shame on you. The 19th time he cheats, don’t fucking WAH WAH WAH about it on Facebook, because we already know, bitch.

Oh.

Since you use all of your memory cells to keep track of how many of your morning bowel movements are banana shaped, let me refresh your brain on the recent stunt queen moves provided to you by the couple the sanitation department put together to keep the trash in one place. Back in July, Vanilla Gorilla and Kat Von D pretended they ended their engagement so whores would watch the season premiere of her reality show L.A. Ink. When the new season of L.A. Sink tanked and TLC threw it into a coffin a month later, Kat Von D and Vanilla Gorilla coincidentally announced that the power of love (and the need to keep their expenses down by sharing Valtrex prescriptions) brought them back together!

But last night, Kat Von D wrote a Facebook entry where she said that she’s no longer shaving her pussy bush into the shape of a Hitler stache so Vanilla Gorilla can get an extra thrill when she sits on his face. Beware: PLUGS galore ahead:

Hey everyone!

I’m sure this will be the most “uneventful” blog I have ever written – but its purpose is simply to answer a lot of the reoccurring questions I’ve been getting asked lately – and I’m hoping this will answer them for you 🙂

I think maybe the final episode of LA Ink left things a bit confusing to some. So in a nutshell here goes:

1. I am not in any way moving to Texas. I am not opening up another tattoo shop. And I am not leaving my shop here in Los Angeles, High Voltage Tattoo.

2. I am not in a relationship. (And I apologize for all the “back and forth” if it’s caused any confusion)

3. I am in no way retiring – (what does that even mean anyway???)

4. My tattoo shop is not closing, and is open for business like always! (Same goes for my art gallery, Wonderland – next door to High Voltage Tattoo.)

5. As hard as it is to sometimes let go of the things you are so accustomed to doing, I am happy to have done LA Ink, but am even more excited about new upcoming ventures – and cant wait to eventually share more about this with you all!

That’s all. I told ya it would be uneventful… 😉

This is the point in the post where I’m supposed to write an in-depth analysis of what went wrong, but I’d rather hear about your banana-shaped bowel movements.

via People

I Guess That Publicity Stunt Didn’t Work

TLC announced today that Kat Von D will join Kate Gosselin at the halfway house for wayward reality whores, because they are lasering off L.A. Ink from their taint. They are canceling that mess after four seasons. The Duggars better say yes to every dress and develop a strange addiction to eating the one-pot laundry soap they make, because their asses could be next. Here’s the last rites that TLC read over L.A. Ink’s dying body:

“TLC has decided that the current season of LA Ink will be its last. The network is proud of what the series has accomplished in its four seasons, following Kat Von D’s journey as an artist from Miami to Los Angeles. The series finale will air September 15th at 10 p.m.”

But wait. Kat Von D not only says that she’s the one who broke up with TLC, but now she’s telling People that she and Vanilla Gorilla are magically back together. What a surprising coincidence! This is the shit that poured out of the bull’s asshole on Kat’s face when she tried to make it sound like she’s the one who walked away from the show:

“In an effort to capitalize on my recent breakup, the network has decided to focus their energy on re-editing events that didn’t happen while filming. I have no regrets and am very proud of the original footage. In my opinion, any attempt to compromise the honesty of that would be an insult to my fans and viewers.

As grateful as I am to have been a part of a show like LA Ink, I’m ready to end this chapter and want to focus on other projects now.”

And here’s what the Nazi Frankenstein mouth shat when People asked him about his engagement to Kat being back on:

“Sometimes you are only given one chance in life. It was up to me to open my eyes and see it. That girl is my chance. I will never stop fighting and striving to hold on to her. Showing her how special she is, and how much I love her.”

You know, I hope you didn’t read either of those statements from those whores for propaganda. You should’ve just farted in your hand and smelled it for five seconds since that’s basically what Kat Von D and VG are doing to us. “Sometimes you are only given one chance in life?” Why didn’t VG go all the way and say, “She completes me.” They are so full of shit.

The break-up was a publicity stunt for her show, it didn’t work and so now they’re back to creating new strains of gonorrhea every time their face anuses kiss. The end.

But we should really be mad at TLC. When that tattooed trash pile tramp went to TLC and said she’d do anything for ratings, an executive should’ve lied to her and said that the highest-rated Lost episode was the one where Juliet falls into a hole. (Nudge. Nudge.) Missed opportunity and we should never forgive TLC for that.