Vanilla Gorilla & Kat Von D Want To Get This Shit Over With

Ironically, Kat Von D is throwing a side-eye even Hitler would run from. A side-eye I threw myself after reading that newly engaged Kat and Vanilla Gorilla plan to fuck the sanctity right out of marriage as soon as next month. Radar reports that Kat and VG believe that there’s no reason to wait and they’ve already started planning the wedding that will land on Hazmat’s #1 event to watch of the year!

A source says that Kat and VG will set up their wedding quarantine tent outside of California and will only invite a small group of family and friends. There won’t be any marching band playing “Horst Wessel Song“ or thousands of roses cut into Swastikas. They are keeping things intimate, so says the source, “Jesse and Kat don’t see any reason why they should wait to trade vows. They are madly in love with each other and want to make everything official. They’re planning to take a non-traditional route, which should come as no surprise considering their whirlwind relationship.”

Vanilla Gorilla needs more people. Specifically, people who will slap him in his FUCKING COMMON SENSE place. Dude just checked out of a marriage where he stuck his dick his into anything that sent him an e-mail (I’m looking at you, exiled Nigerian prince) and now he’s going right back in again? You would think that he’d be happily running through the streets with his pants off. A non-stop dick slappy dance. But I guess it isn’t the same unless he can hear a vibrating “Where r u?!” text message from his wife while he’s hitting his side-piece from the back. Even the fuckturd that is Bombshit McGee sees this.

That being said, I can’t wait to see the matching “Kat’s Bitch” and “Jesse’s Bitch” tattoos these two will get on their foreheads during the ceremony. They’re romantic like that.

Because Marriage Vows Mean So Much To Jesse James

The ring Kat Von D wore to the Art of Elysium charity gala over the weekend is a real symbol of her engagement to Vanilla Gorilla after all. Vanilla Gorilla announced to People that his girlfriend of 5-months Kat Von D is about to become Mrs. Kat Gorilla. VG must’ve gotten high from the acidic fumes wafting off his sluttin’ sofa, because his declaration of love for Kat to People is a ridiculous barf-inducing haze of words. Vanilla Gorilla’s glazed “DURR” eyes aren’t just for show. Dude is “DURR” in the brains too.

“You know sometimes the public and press gets it wrong. This is one of those times. 2010 was actually the best year of my life because I fell in love with my best friend. An amazing woman who stood behind me when the world turned their backs.

I have never met anyone so kind and loving and committed to making the world a better place every day. My love for her is beyond description. So honored that she said ‘yes.’ Growing old with her is going to be a fuckin’ blast!”

Gross. Vanilla Gorilla must have fallen and hit his head on his swastika coffee table, which gave him amnesia and erased the memory of every single person he has met in his entire lifetime. That’s the only way I will accept his “I have never met anyone so kind” comment as a fact. But then again, my dog gets that “you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever met” look in his eyes when he sniffs a piece of caca. So it’s possible! Too harsh. Too harsh. I know.

The truth is, Vanilla Gorilla and Kat Von D make sense and I’m sure he means it when he says that they will be together until death does them part. I’m also sure that their doctors have told them that they have 2 years to live, because that’s how long their marriage is going to last.

What A Difference A Year Makes

This time last year, Vanilla Gorilla was making the award show rounds with Sandra Bullock, right before the Bombshit McGee hit the fan, and here he is back in his monkey suite with Kat Von D at the The Art of Elysium charity gala in L.A. last night. And Vanilla Gorilla still looks like he’s in the middle of an embalming fluid colonic and the technician is like, “HOLD IT IN!!!” Just uncomfortable as all hell.

Kat Von D, wearing a dress so tight I can see the outline of her labia tattoo, is all over his ass and he’s just standing there as stiff as an Alfred Hitchcock silhouette poster hanging over a hillbilly’s trailer toilet. It’s like he’d rather be at temple than in front of the camera. But not Kat Von D. Bitch is loving it. She wants you to talk about the ring on her LOOKIMNOTENGAGEDIMJUSTLOOKINGFORFUCKINGATTENTION finger. Moving on…

You know, The Art of Elysium gala should have temporarily changed its name to the Art of Asylum gala, because bitches looked straight-up CRAZY last night. Julia Stiles was greasy and bloated for no reason. Unless her reason is that she’s pregnant with a pizza slice from Chuck E. Cheese. Seriously, you can wring out a slice of Chuck E. Cheese pizza and have enough lube to last night you the rest of the year.

But nobody brought the crazy last night the way Rachel Griffiths (below left) did. Rachel was in Six Feet Under, so she usually gets a free pass from me, but I cannot ignore this disaster. Bitch, Jane Child (below right), YOU ARE NOT.

Leave the frizzy Beeker mullets to the professionals! Rachel was definitely trying to summon the second coming of Jane Child, but she looked more like Billy Ray Cyrus at his audition for the role of Magua in The Last of the Mohicans. Rachel, meditate more or fire your hair stylist so this never happens again.

Here’s a few others at last night’s event including: Kat Von D with VG, Rachel Ray Cyrus with her husband Andrew Taylor, DEVO!!!!, Eva Mendes, Kiki Dunst, Rachel Bilson, Leighton Meester, Nicole Richie, Amber Heard, James Franco, Camilla Belle with Jakey, Julia Stiles, Gerard Butler, Jennifer Hate Hewitt and Kelly Osbourne.

Kat Von D Loses Her House And Cat

And now it’s that time of day to get depressed. Kat Von D’s house went up in flames over the weekend and burned to a damn crisp, but that’s not the saddest part. One of Kat’s pets, a hairless cat named Valentine, was in the house at the time and wasn’t able to escape. Valentine is now up in heaven where his skin always remains moisturized and oil doesn’t exist. When a cat dies, a bottle of vodka disappears down all of our froats. 🙁

Kat Von D Tweeted the sad news along with the picture above of her posing in her burnt house:

@lightboxgallery my house burned down last night with my cat inside. Can you think about anyone else other than yourself?
about 12 hours ago via Twittelator in reply to lightboxgallery

R.I.P. My little Valentine. http://twitpic.com/3963ec
about 8 hours ago via Twittelator

In order to gain everything, you must lose everything. http://twitpic.com/3962×9 about 4 hours ago via Twittelator

No, I’m not canceling the rest of the booktour. Rooftop n I are here in Vancouver. Thank you all for comforting words.. Means so much. <3 about 4 hours ago via ÜberTwitter

A rep for the L.A. Fire Department tells UsWeekly that they showed up to Kat’s house on Sunday night and the place was filled with flames and smoke. Kat wasn’t home at the time. They are investigating the cause of the fire.

Rest in Peace, Valentine. I’m sure you’re entertaining the angels with your excellent iPad xylophone skills.

Trouble In Trash Heap Paradise?

This is Kat Von D last month to People: “Jesse is only my ninth boyfriend. I don’t hang out with anybody unless I am in love.”

Roll eyes, roll back (I would tell you to roll again, but it’s Friday and you shouldn’t exert yourself) and keep going.

And also according to People, this was Kat Von D at Slash’s cocert in L.A. on October 5th: “Von D was seen hanging out in the V.I.P. section with her ex-boyfriend Nikki Sixx. ‘They were on the balcony chatting and ended up disappearing together,’ a source tells PEOPLE. They were acting pretty cozy and chummy.’”

Kat was also seen “flirting” with her ex-fuck piece Bam Margera at a dinner for two at some restaurant in Hollywood.

So of course, this brings up the wooden dollar question: Is Vanilla Gorilla still heil-ing it into Kat Von D’s punane? A different source tells People that Kat is having a hard time dealing with the distance between her and Vanilla Gorilla. Vanilla Gorilla has swung on over to Austin to be closer to his ex-wife Sandra Bullock and her son Louis while Kat stays in L.A. Kat and Vanilla only get to slobber on each other on the weekends and this isn’t working out for her.

But Vanilla Gorilla’s original ex-wife Janine told Radar that he’s probably going to stick a banana in his mouth and swing back to L.A. to be closer to Kat since Sandra Bullock would rather do a sequel to All About Steve than reunite with his nasty ass.

Janine said, “He did everything that he could to try and win Sandra Bullock back but it just didn’t wash and now that he has Kat in his life why would he stay in Texas? All of his friends are in California and he was like a fish out of water in Austin which is really Sandra’s town. The sad part is that he made the kids move there and now he will have to bring them all back again. He’s a narcissist and if it means being with Kat Von D and all the publicity that will bring then I’m sure he will go for it.”

I am going to pray before the tube of ointment the free clinic gave me a couple of years ago that Kat Von Douchebag and Vanilla Gorilla make it work. The meaning of LOVE has already been dragged and beaten enough because of the break-ups of Xtina & Bat Boy, Courtney Cox & David Arquette and Laura Dern & Ben Harper. It will never survive this! Aphrodite would quit life and the cherubs would be forced to get full-time jobs as divorce paper process servers.

The Smug “Yup, I’m On This Dick” Face

At the opening of Kat Von D’s new gallery in West Hollywood last night, Vanilla Gorilla looked like he had just opened his eyes after being passed out for days in the backseat of an Impala from a beer and whippit binge. And Kat Von D was as smug as White Oprah licking on a Fudgie the Whale cake. So this could mean only one thing: THEY’RE IN LOVE! Pop your warts and let the pus flow in celebration of this free clinic-approved union!

The original Bombshell McGross has probably been crawling up Vanilla Gorila’s leg to get to his dick for years, so of course she’s gushing from every open orifice about how he’s “the one” and how they truly belong together. Bitch is right. These two are written in the sars (don’t you dare take a red Sharpie to that typo).

Sounding like a 13-year-old girl who is trying to sound like a grown ass woman, Kat told People last night:

On how she keeps count of all her boyfriends: “Jesse is only my ninth boyfriend. I don’t hang out with anybody unless I am in love.”

On when she realized she wanted to take a ride on Vanilla Gorilla’s leather couch of slut jizz: “Was it when we were playing Scrabble? I don’t remember. But it was something like that – when we both realized how nerdy we were.”

On Vanilla Gorilla’s divorce from Sandra Bullock: “I stayed away from that as much as possible, and when we connected recently, it was such a positive thing. It was just like, ‘Wow, I can’t believe I haven’t spent this much time with you the entire time I’ve known you.’ Now I’m just embracing it and enjoying it.”

Playing Scrabble? Bitches are really trying to sound like two wholesome teenagers circa 1960. Yeah, I’m sure when Vanilla Gorilla played “endlosung” it just sent a warm tingle to Kat’s heart strings.

The best part is that when People asked Vanilla Gorilla if he was happy, he grunted out a “Yeah.” And you know he farted on mute at the same time too.

It’s always nice when a hongray crack house rat finally finds a piece of maggot-ridden cheese to nibble on, so good for them. But maybe Kat Von D can take a few moments out from humping Vanilla Gorilla’s jock to go find a wig that doesn’t make her look like a biker bar hooker version of Lily Munster. That gutter ass wig was made to be snatched and donated to a family of rodents that need a home. And while Kat is doing that, maybe she can get Vanilla Gorilla’s stupid ass an outfit that doesn’t make him look like a vato abuelito who is doing it all wrong.