Running In Heels – The Mission: Impossible Trailer

Here’s the first trailer for Mission: Impossible 4 – Ghost Protocol, which proves that not since Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman has a sessy femme fatale worked the soles off of a pair of fuck you heels by running after their rivals. Seriously, if you told a ho this was really a trailer for next year’s Running with Heels marathon, they wouldn’t say you were lying. They also wouldn’t accuse you of lying if you said that most of the movie’s post-production budget was spent on erasing “the lure” (aka a dildo on a stick) that made Tommy run run ruuuuuun.

And the only to watch this mess of a trailer is to mute the sound and play this with it:

Mission Impossible 4: – Gimme Gimme Cha Cha Heels!

Melissa Leo Should’ve Saved This Look For Tonight

Here’s Melissa Leo at yesterday’s Independent Spirit Awards in Santa Monica dressed like a track home madam who is about to flee through the sliding back door of her DIY brothel in Palmdale after authorities received an anonymous tip that she’s housing imported whores in her garage. Tell me that isn’t a look that screams “You’ve got a $20, I’ve got a hand job ho for you!”

You know, I’m so sick of dumb asses declaring that Natalie Portman “is the girl to watch” at the Oscars tonight. Yeah, I’ve been watching the fashion moves of that Ivy League al dente noodle for months and it’s about as exciting as taking the SATs with a No.2 pencil on a Saturday morning while completely sober. Bitch is fashion Ambien. But Melissa Leo on the other hand, that ho knows that the best accessory is always a giant coat of CRAZY. Melissa’s look tells a damn story. Yes, that story airs on truTV several nights a week, but a story it still is! Natalie’s basic ass looks like it was attacked by an exploding lemon danish. Next.

Click here to see the ISA winners if that’s what you need and below is a bunch of pictures of everybody who gave pose on the grey carpet yesterday. In order: the best dressed of the night Melissa Leo, Prince Von A-Hole, Chuckie Finster with Warren Beatty, Rosario Dawson, Taye Diggs, Illeana Douglas, James Franco, Thierry Guetta, Saint Crazy’s daughter, Baron Baby Wipes, Vera Farmiga, Dana Delany, Nicole Kidman, Diego Luna with Camila Sodi, Ewan McGregor about to take a pee pee, Eva Mendes, Natalie Portman, Aron Ralston, a drunk Jeremy Renner, Mark Ruffalo with a hand full of Sunrise, Zoe Saldana, Lea Thompson, Kerry Washington and Naomi Watts with Liev Schreiber.

Xtina’s Drunk Ass Knows Where To Pass Out

If you’re going to fall into a sweet nectar-induced coma on somebody’s bed, it might as well be Jeremy Renner’s. Xtina has obviously been reading up on the drunk ho’s list of pre-approved beds to pass out on, because she allegedly got close to Jeremy Renner’s duvet cover at his 40th birthday party on January 8th. That’s what a source tells UsWeekly anyway.

Apparently, Xtina stumbled into Jeremy’s house with her psychical state set to “broke off & dozed off” and continued to get Snooki drunk. A source claims that she was acting the fool and her bought bitch Matthew Rutler kept trying to keep her quiet. Err. One of the first rules of dealing with a drunk bitch is: never ever tell them to keep it quiet. They will turn up the slurr and all you’ll hear is “Whadya meeeeen beee quiet! Dis is my whithper librury voy-es..” over and over again. Just prop them over a plastic trash can and stick a cheeseburger in their booze hole.

Eventually, she found her way into Jeremy’s bedroom and became one with his sheets. Jeremy was overheard telling people at a Golden Globes after-party: “Someone comes and tells me she’s in my room. I run up and open the door and I’m like, ‘Um, hi. What are you doing?’ She just starts slurring. Her boyfriend was rubbing her back. Who comes to someone’s birthday party that they don’t know and gets in their bed?! My parents were there!”

Jeremy’s rep said that Xtina had a good time, but didn’t get into Jeremy’s bed.

Oh, please. Jeremy is acting like he doesn’t come home to find a random drunk ho in his bed almost every single day. Jeremy, we already know that your maid turns down the drunk whores every night before bedtime. We know this. Jeremy really got upset, because he knew he had to throw out the sheets he bought with his “Mission Impossible” money thanks to the lipstick slobber stains Xtina left for him. Note to Jeremy: When you see Xtina stumbling up to your driveway, Saran Wrap your carpets and put a furniture condom on everything. Oil-based face paint from Benjamin Moore does not scrub out!

And I’m fucking loving the new Xtina. Yelling at wet noodle hos and passing out on Jeremy Renner’s bed? For the first time in my life I can say with confidence that I’m an Xtinahead. Keep fucking that chicken, Xtina!