Of Course: Walmart Blames Tracy Morgan For His Crash Injuries (UPDATE)

Walmart has told Tracy Morgan the same thing I tell myself whenever the broken pieces of my charred soul burn a little more after I walk into a Walmart: “You brought this upon yourself, bitch!”

Tracy Morgan is suing the ‘Murican Emporium of Glamour for the crash that killed his friend Jimmy Mack and left him with serious injuries. One of Walmart’s tractor-trailers rammed into a limo bus carrying Tracy Morgan, Jimmy Mack and others on the New Jersey Turnpike last June. Tracy’s lawyer says that it’s all Walmart’s fault because Kevin Roper, the driver of the tractor-trailer, was awake for more than 24 hours before the crash and he was driving 20mph over the speed limit. But well, if you thought that Walmart’s yellow smiley face of pure evil would just spit out an “I’m sorry” before dropping a mountain of money into Tracy’s lap, then you don’t know Walmart or billion dollar American corporations.

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Ariana Grande Latte’s Life Coach Quit Her Toddler Diva Ass

It’s no secret that Ariana Grande Latte has a reputation of being an entitled, demanding fan-hating diva bitch Bratz doll in 20lbs of fake hair and a store-bought Lolita act, but now it sounds like even the people who get paid to tolerate the budget Nick Jr. version of Mariah Carey have had enough of her spoiled sexy baby bullshit. According to Page Six, Airhead Grande Hairhead’s life coach quit because he couldn’t handle her shitty attitude anymore. An insider says he was hired to keep her “centered and healthy”, but it was impossible, since she’s exactly as awful as you’d imagine a 21-year-old come-to-life Bratz doll would be:

“He just couldn’t take it anymore,” says the insider. “Everything people are saying about her is true.”

Of course, a source close to Airhead claims that the “life coach” who quit was never actually her life coach, but a choreographer who is just mad he got fired by the wigged one:

“It is nothing but a spiteful former employee that has been telling rumors around town for the last several months.”

If the “life coach” is actually a choreographer who got fired, I wonder what he got canned for? I bet he tried to take a picture of the right side of Ariana’s face. Or maybe he made the mistake of reminding her that she’s an adult woman. “Excuse me?? I’m a VERY sexy baby! YOU’RE FIRED!”

But in the event he was actually her life coach, it’s ok that he quit. The only life coach Ariana needs is her manager, Scooter Braun! I mean, look how well Justin Bieber has turned out? He could practically teach an Oprah’s master class on being a spoiled arrogant toddler!

Here’s Frankie Grande’s mega mega pop superstar sister serving up some not-right Toddlers & Tiaras realness at the Power 106 All-Star Celebrity Basketball Game yesterday. Do you ever get the feeling that Ariana Grande is just part of a long con being pulled by Chris Hansen to catch predators? I feel like at any moment, he’s going to walk on stage and ask everyone to have a take a seat.

Pics: Splash

This Is ABC’s Next Bachelor For “The Bachelor”

Because ABC’s selections for The Bachelor are always predictable as fuck (white, white, built, and white), I’m going to attempt to blindly guess as much about the newest bachelor as I can, based solely on my rudimentary knowledge of The Bachelor. I solemnly swear to Dorioto Jesus (my deity of choice) that I know nothing about this new bachelor except that his teeth look like pieces of Dentyne Ice gum and he loves pastels.

1. His name is probably Andrew or Craig. He looks like he could also be a Brad.

2. He’s either a management consultant, professional (re: played one pre-season game before getting benched, then cut) baseball/football player, or the ever-popular “entrepreneur”.

3. He’s from the east coast, maybe Boston. Or a bit further south, like Virgina or Georgia.

4. He’s between the ages of 32 and 34.

Okay, so now let’s see how close I got! According to People, ABC’s newest bachelor is named Chris Soules (damn, I was so close with Craig!), a 32-year-old farmer from Iowa. Farmer from Iowa? That’s not a bullshit made-up job like “synergy consultant” or “merchandising analyst” (both code for “unemployed actor”). Is everything alright, ABC? A farmer from Iowa doesn’t sound like an aspiring future fame whore, aka the only reason why anyone agrees to be on The Bachelor. But that over-styled hair and Zoomed-to-hell-and-back set of blindingly white chompers tells me there’s potential, so I’m not too worried about his fame-humping game.

I didn’t watch the 10th season of The Bachelorette (aka Andi Dorfman tries to find love after meeting the world’s worst dude) but apparently, Chris is one of Andi’s leftovers who got the boot right before the finale because bitch didn’t want to pull a Green Acres and move to Iowa. Which means he’s still trying to reach for that fame rainbow, or he legit wants to find somebody to love and he needs help because the OkCupid selection in Iowa is limited to single-and-ready-to-mingle dairy cows and DTF bundles of hay. What do you have against slutty bundles of hay, Chris? Hay needs love too!

Robin Thicke’s Marriage Is Pretty Much Dunzo

Poor lovelorn d-bag Robin Thicke. According to TMZ, releasing a serial killer-y album full of stalker ballads that sold all of 50 copies hasn’t won back the affections of his estranged wife Paula Patton like he thought it would. I know, I’m shocked too; who of us wouldn’t swoon to the moon and back if the human equivalent of gonorrhea wrote you a bunch of songs that sound like a 15-year-old’s crappy LiveJournal poetry?

A source (Alan Thicke’s magic talking penis) tells TMZ that Robin has put their house up for sale and hired an attorney to split up their assets. Paula hasn’t lived in the house since February, but neither she nor Robin have hired a divorce lawyer yet. You hear that Robin? She doesn’t have a divorce lawyer yet! Quick, start recording a follow-up to Paula called Paula Don’t Call Trope and Trope!

Obviously this could all be just another jenga block in the publicity stunt pyramid Robin and Paula have been building since he was photographed with his hand up a skank’s ass, but I think he’s actually selling his house because he was probably having a tough time getting laid. Most true-blue sluts have a sixth sense for detecting the presence of a bottom bitch in the atmosphere (usually by way of a tingle in their pussy or gag reflex). So every time Robin brought a new blonde trick home, they no doubt would freeze upon entry, put their hand to their pussy like a slutty psychic and ask “Did a wife or a long-term girlfriend used to live here? I’m sensing drama. I should go.”  

The VMA Nominations Were Announced This Morning And Beyoncé Was Nominated For Everything

You know Beyoncé is so pissed right now. She released a whole album’s worth of ~deep~ music videos, and all she gets are 8 crappy Video Music Awards nominations?!? She probably thought MTV would create a special Beyoncé-centric awards ceremony honoring her achievement in film called the MTV (in association with The Illuminati) Presents Creative Excellence in Moving Pictures: A Tribute to Her Majesty BEYONCÉ!!!

But it is nice of MTV to actually go along with the charade of releasing nominations and not just backing a dump truck full of moon man statues into Beyoncé’s driveway. That’s very thoughtful of them. UsWeekly has the whole list of nominations, but the important ones (aka BEYONCÉ’S NOMINATIONS!!! aka her future wins) are after the jump. Continue reading

Lindsay Lohan Does MDMA All The Time, So Says Radar

Those may or may not be cokey boogers up her nostrils, but if they are, then ten seconds after this picture was taken, Pete Doherty suddenly appeared and snorted those good shit dingles right out of her nose. He can smell ’em from miles away.

Radar (so snort this with a grain of salt) says that a 380th stay in rehab and a come to Jesus talk from Oprah really turned things around for Lindsay Lohan. They say that she’s taken a piece of the $2 million she got for that reality show and swallowed it down and snorted it up. Some source says LiLo is regularly doing Ecstasy and MDMA, because she’s taking a lot of psych meds and if she’s tested, the drugs will only show up as amphetamines. The source dribbled this out:

“Right now she is doing a lot of Ecstasy and Molly because with the psych meds she is on, if she is tested it will only show up as amphetamine, which is prescribed to her so it’s ‘safe.’[She takes] meds such as Dilaudid, Ambien, Adderall, Zoloft, Trazodone and Nexium to treat psychiatric problems. She will never get off Adderall and whatever her illegal drug of choice is at the moment. With her friends she just sort of laughs about sobriety. Everyone kind of just thinks she’s a joke now.”

While I would be surprised if LiLo really did swallow down half of a Rite-Aid pharmacy and washed it down with some MDMA punch, that source must be on some serious shit too, because they have no idea what’s coming out of their mouth. I know acid reflux can make a ho go absolutely crazy and lose their minds, but since when it is a mental condition and since when is Nexium a psych med? And Dilaudid is a painkiller. Either Radar just randomly threw out the name of some meds hoping that at least a few will stick or LiLo’s back alley pharmacist ripped her off when he gave her some Nexium for mental problems.

Oh, and I know this goes without saying, but LiLo’s not doing MDMA. The black kid is.

Pics: Pacific Coast News, Splash