Category: I’m Shocked!
Prepare To Be Shocked: Demi Lovato Has Returned To Twitter
One day – ONE DAY – after she dramatically announced she was quitting Twitter and Instagram in an attempt to stop herself from “sayin shit“, Demi Lovato is back. I honestly thought she’d at least be able to make it to Friday, but no. Clearly the only thing worse than negative attention was the thought of getting no attention.
Literally 24 hours after she blew her goodbye kisses to the crowd from the metaphorical balcony, she hopped back on Twitter to announce that “the haters” couldn’t stop her from tweeting whatever nonsense her fingers felt like typing. It’s just like everyone’s wise old grandfathers used to say: If you stop being a mess on social media, then the haters have truly won.
Fuck this.. I’m back bitches. And I’m coming back more honest than ever
— Demi Lovato (@ddlovato) June 21, 2016
I love my Lovatics so fucking much
— Demi Lovato (@ddlovato) June 22, 2016
I love my Lovatics too much to leave them over some lame ass haters.. What was I thinking?! ??
— Demi Lovato (@ddlovato) June 22, 2016
“More honest.” Watch out, other famous people – Demi’s shit-starting quest continues! I can’t wait to see who Demi comes for next. My money is on either Meghan Trainor or that famous Instagram dog whose tongue is always hanging out.
Okay, let’s see if I can’t get this straight. Demi quit Twitter and Instagram because she finally realized she kept saying stuff that was getting her into trouble and that bad internet strangers were bothering her. But then she returned vowing to say even more stuff that will inevitably get her into trouble. You know, for the good internet strangers. Does anyone know how to get Demi’s number to Iyanla Vanzant? Because this feels like a real Fix My Life situation. You know your life needs some SuperSoul Sunday-levels of fixing when you’re crying wolf about quitting Twitter.
Pic: Splash
Taylor Swift Is Trying To Trademark More Words, Including “Swiftmas”
For those of you thinking “What in the ever-loving hell is a Swiftmas“, allow me to explain: it’s a made-up word that might soon get your ass sued into the poor house by Taylor Swift’s team of trademark lawyers if you dare utter it. Even though Tay Tay’s monthly bank statements read “Current Balance: $$$RICH AS FUCK“, UsWeekly says the world’s wealthiest American Girl doll has gone ahead and decided to trademark some more words.
According to a blog called Tantalizing Trademarks (which totally sounds like a burlesque club for patent attorneys), Tay Tay’s people have applied for trademarks for the words “Swiftmas“, “Blank Space“, “And I’ll Write Your Name“, “A Girl Named Girl“, and “1989“. Good lord, you know your Get Money Game is out of control when you try to trademark a year. While we’re still allowed to talk about it without receiving an angry cease-and-desist letter, Swiftmas is the annual holiday tradition where Taylor Swift creeps on a bunch of her fans and puts together Christmas presents for them. And now their Swiftmas gifts will come with a legal document about trademark violation taped to the top of the box and directions to the nearest notary public.
If the trademark office stamps APPROVED on Tay Tay’s list, they’ll join her collection of trademarked phrases, which includes her name, “T. S.“, “Party Like It’s 1989“, “Cause We Never Go Out Of Style”, “Could Show You Incredible Things“, “Nice To Meet You. Where You Been?“, and the most cringeworthy jewel in her Pretty Pretty Princess crown, “This Sick Beat.”
That is so many goddamn words. When will it end? You’re right, it never will. It’s only a matter of time before Tay Tay owns the rights to so many phrases that we’re forced to cut her a check every time we open our mouths. Here’s the future owner of 1/25th of the words in the dictionary arriving from Australia at LAX last night.
Rick Ross Arrested For Kidnapping And Assault
Permanently exhausted-looking rapper, Florida native, and owner of several gorgeous tattoos Rick Ross recently did his home state proud by getting arrested for a bunch of messy stuff. TMZ says that Rick Ross aka Ricky Rozay (a nickname that I’m sure he shares with many rosé-loving middle-aged women named Ricki) was arrested early this morning in Fayette County, Georgia by the Southeast Regional Fugitive Task Force of the U. S. Marshals Service and charged with the following: kidnapping, aggravated assault, and aggravated battery. The U. S. Marshals! Damn, you know you did something wrong when Samuel Gerard is after you.
Rick Ross was arrested early this morning, but apparently all the illegal stuff he got arrested for happened two weeks ago. According to TMZ, Rick Ross was having work done on his house in Georgia and he and his bodyguard allegedly got into a fight with one of the workers. They don’t say why, but let’s just pretend it was over subway tiles. Ross allegedly pistol whipped the guy, which I guess would be the aggravated battery part. And then I suppose he fled, since the Fugitive Task Force was after them. Ross’ bodyguard was also arrested.
This isn’t the first time Ross has had a run-in with the law in Fayette County, Georgia. Two weeks ago, police busted him for possession of weed. Maybe if he asks nicely, the judge will bundle the charges into one convenient court date.
But back to that kidnapping charge. TMZ says that Ross was charged with kidnapping because he would let the guy working on his house leave. Now I can’t stop picturing Rick Ross blocking the front door and yelling “Listen up, motherfucker – you’re not leaving till you fix the grout on those subway tiles. I said gray, not white!“
Lindsay Lohan Might Ditch Her Community Service And Skip Off To Monaco
And now in sky is blue/water is wet news, Lindsay Lohan is already trying to weasel her way out of completing her community service and avoid going to jail. I hope you didn’t hit your head on anything during that fainting spell you no doubt just had from the shock of it all.
According to TMZ, LiLo knows there’s a very good chance she won’t complete her delinquent community service hours (“No shit” said the staff who waited 2 hours for her ass to show up on her first day), but she also knows that if she doesn’t finish her hours, there’s a chance she might end up in jail. She also knows that a court can’t extradite her over a reckless driving misdemeanor, so she has planned to skip town and hide out in Monaco. The Apricot Ashtray has apparently been telling her friends and family that she has a “rich friend” who has offered up his hotel in Monaco and given her permission to stay as long as she’d like. Even that shameless mooch Dina Lohan is side-eying that arrangement, like “What’s the catch?”
Regardless of whether or not she completes her community service, TMZ says that Lohan plans on taking her friend up on his offer and will stay in Monaco for a while. That loud whooshing sound you just heard was the city of London breathing a giant sigh of relief.
I know LiLo is beyond desperate to avoid doing actual work, but this might be a new personal best for that freckled con artist. She’s literally running away. And for what? It’s not like the court won’t keep giving her extensions on her community service to avoid sending her to jail. Lindsay could be 98-years-old and a hologram of a judge will be like “We’re giving you till March 1st, 2085, and that’s it!”
Here’s Lindsay doing a practice run for her future escape to Monaco yesterday in NYC:
Pics: Splash
Former “Biggest Loser” Contestant Kai Hibbard Says The Show Is A Never-Ending Emotionally-Abusive Nightmare
Because I’m an emotional wreck who cries at dog food commercials, I can’t watch inspirational makeover porn like The Biggest Loser or Extreme Makeover: Home Edition without weeping like a Kardashian at a Free Botox Giveaway. And according to former Biggest Loser contestant Kai Hibbard, I’m not the only one who’s crying; the contestants are weeping too. The only thing is, I’m crying melodramatic tears of happiness at home, whereas the contestants are crying hot calorie-free tears of constant terror.
Kai, who was the Season 3 runner-up by losing 118lbs, admits to the New York Post that she’s “embarrassed” to have ever appeared on The Biggest Loser, adding that “The whole fucking show is a fat-shaming disaster.” Damn Kai, tell us how you REALLY feel. Kai’s complimentary Subway Gold Card must have been recently cancelled or something, because she goes on to drag The Biggest Loser harder than an eliminated contestant drags their ass to the nearest all-you-can-eat buffet 2 seconds after they leave the ranch.
A Coked Out Charlie Sheen Allegedly Pulled A Knife On His Dentist (UPDATE)
UPDATE: Now TMZ is saying that the LAPD talked to Charlie’s dentist and the dentist’s story is totally different from his technician’s story. Charges probably won’t be pressed. Charlie’s rep says that he wasn’t high on “rock cocaine,” but he did have a freak out in the chair. Charlie’s on pain meds for a shoulder injury and his meds mixed with nitrous made his body flail around. He knocked a tray over but didn’t slap anyone. Charlie’s rep says the technician is getting revenge on him because she was fired on Friday for violating HIPPA laws by telling her son that Charlie was in the office. That info somehow got back to Charlie and the dentist fired her. This story still doesn’t make sense, but it’s Charlie Sheen we’re talking about. It might seem a little excessive that she was fired for telling a family member that Charlie Sheen was in the office, but maybe it wasn’t, because her son could’ve definitely sold that info since Charlie Sheen going to an actual dentist to have his nasty teeth worked on IS breaking news. Now here’s the original story:
I know, I’m surprised the dentist didn’t pull a knife on him first. If Charlie Sheen opened his crusty mouth hole in front of you, you’d reach for something sharp, because his breath probably smells like the inside of a hobo’s ass and you never know what kind of mutated gingivitis creature is going to jump out at you.
TMZ says that the LAPD is investigating a situation that went down at Charlie Sheen’s dentist’s office last Thursday. Just like most of us, Charlie “allegedly” did rock cocaine before going to the dentist (HA at me typing “allegedly“), because a visit with the dentist is way more tolerable when you’re cracked out. Charlie was at the dentist to get an abscess removed. Charlie IS an abscess but that’s besides the point. The dental technician told police that while administering him with nitrous oxide, he went crazy and slapped her. The technician left the room as Charlie’s bodyguards went in. Charlie’s dentist and oral surgeon were in the room with his bodyguard. She heard a bunch of chaos before the dentist came out of the room and told her that the formerly winning, tiger-blooded warlock pulled a knife on his ass and went after him. Maybe in his coke rock and nitrous-induced haze, Charlie thought his dentist was Brooke Mueller? If you’re thinking that the fighting skills of a cracked out warlock on nitrous oxide can’t be that great, you’re right. The dentist wasn’t hurt.