Lindsay Lohan Drank Vodka At Coachella

I know, saying “Lindsay Lohan Drank Vodka At Coachella” is like saying “A Kardashian Lazily Sucked A Black Dick.” You look at those words with blank eyes while slowly chewing your everything bagel with cream cheese and butter and you think to yourself, “And?”

Lindsay Lohan is as good at making smart decisions as she is at properly moisturizing her parched, cotton-mouthed weave, so this weekend she, a supposedly newly sober-ish trick, took her ass to Coachella, a desert booze playground where the dust is laced with coke and the farts coming out of the fake hipsters are made of 90% molly. A source type tells InTouch Weekly that on Saturday, LiLo, who admitted on her reality shit show that she relapsed, was backstage with friends and her sister The Curious Case of Ali Lohan during Kid Cudi’s set and she was sipping a cup full of “clear liquid.” It was obviously water and by “obviously water” I mean obviously vodka since vodka is the Lohan family’s water. The source also claims that they watched LiLo’s friend hand her a vodka soda. The source snorted this out:

“She looked completely out of it. She couldn’t stand up straight and she was frantically chain smoking cigarettes. In one of her hands she had a plastic cup with a clear liquid in it. The group was standing in a small cabana, booth type thing and one of the friends was making regular trips to the bar. I overheard the friend order four vodka sodas and when he carried them back to the group, he handed one to Lindsay and she started drinking it. She didn’t seem to care who saw and none of the group seemed concerned.”

TMZ said that before LiLo went off to CokeHella she vowed that she wouldn’t let the sweet nectar touch her tongue, but that’s like me saying I’m going to go to PornHub and not fap.

On LiLo’s reality shit show on OWN Lindsay: Moving And Setting Alarm Clocks Is Hard, she always farts at the mouth about how she’s SO sober that she can be at a club for hours with her coked-up friends and watch them get drunk while she sips water, because she’s THAT sober. That tells me that this bitch has never been one hundred percent sober while partying with a bunch of drunk bitches. Because nothing makes you want to guzzle down booze like sitting in the middle of a bunch of drunken whores acting a drunken mess.

Pic: Pacific Coast News

Lady Gaga Tells Paps To Photoshop Pictures Of Her

Wait…so you’re telling me Lady Gaag is a phony faker? Color me a shit-shade of shocked! According to Page Six, Gaag’s message of loving yourself just the way you are is a bunch of born this way bullshit, because she get’s final say over the pap shots that are released of her, and all of them get the Kardashian treatment (Dear Adobe: go ahead and change the name of Photoshop to Kardashian, since it’s pretty much just a tool to make vain whores look like expensive fuck dolls now).

An insider claims that at an event last week, photographers were told to “Smooth out her jaw line and thin her arm,” and “Smooth out and thin her legs”. And if they didn’t comply, Gaag threatened to sneak into their house in the middle of the night dressed like the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and kidnap their children (I guess?) Page Six also says that only one photographer, Kevin Mazur, had exclusive rights to shoot Gaag’s shows at the Roseland Ballroom, and that he claims his Photoshopping will be “very minimal”. Hahahahah! Good one, Kevin Mazur. Let me know the next time you’re at The Chuckle Hut, I’d love to hear your whole set. But seriously Kevin Mazur, using the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills as an example, just how unbelievably fake will Gaag end up looking?

Here’s more of Gaag performing the final show at the Roseland Ballroom (which will now be known as the Rotten Rose and Weave Room until the day it’s demolished) as well as her arrival, and exit after the show. Maybe if the paps are feeling kind, they can also Photoshop Gaag’s wig to not look so much like Sigmund the Sea Monster (it’s not fair to Sigmund).

Pics: Splash