Richie Sambora Is In Trouble For Allegedly Threatening To Kill His Ex-Girlfriend

Must…not…make…a…”You Give Love A Bad Name“…joke. The NY Daily News says that former Bon Jovi guitarist and current candidate for anger management classes Richie Sambora is in trouble for allegedly threatening to kill his ex-girlfriend and former business partner Nikki Lund. According to a police report filed by Nikki Lund on April 1st, it all went down last month during a phone call made the day after the launch of their joint clothing line, Nikki Rich. Rather than calling to congratulate her, Nikki claims Richie threatened to “dig a hole in the desert and bury” her. The Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Office says they’re investigating this mess.

However, TMZ says that a rep for Richie Sambora is side-eying Nikki Lund’s claims, because they say that shit never happened. Richie admits that he did talk to Nikki on the phone, and that the only thing he was threatening to kill was their clothing line. Richie’s rep claims that Nikki was the one attacking him on the phone that day because she was pissed that he was pulling out of their clothing business and taking his money with him. Apparently he’d lost $4 million on Nikki Rich and he didn’t want to lose anymore.

Richie’s rep also claims he offered to pay all Nikki Rich employees 3 months severance pay. He also thinks that Nikki filed a police report full of lies because she’s bitter over Richie yanking all the financial backing.

Damn, all this drama over some Topshop-looking shirts and skirts? The next time Richie Sambora gets angry enough to allegedly threaten to dig a hole in the desert and put someone in it, he should sit his ass down and listen to “Bed Of Roses” from start to finish. Nothing will calm a high-strung trick’s nerves better than hearing Jon Bon Jovi busting out a sexy power ballad.

Mila Kunis Admits She’s Thought About Her Baby While Having Sex With Ashton Kutcher

“Uh…I’d rather not admit who I’m thinking about during sex…I mean, I’m totally thinking of my wife” thought reformed sleazeball Ashton Kutcher.

During that same interview with James Corden on The Late Late Show with James Corden where we found out that she is now legally Mrs. Jackie Kelso, Mila Kunis was asked if Jackie and Kelso ever get any time away from their nearly 6-month-old baby Wyatt. Mila said they get out for a date night once a week to “reconnect” with each other and not talk about the baby, to which James Corden joked that new parents are always talking about their baby, even while they’re trying to get their hump on. That’s when Mila interrupted him saying “That has never happened!” followed by the confession: “I’ve thought it…I have, I’m like ‘I wonder if that’s her making that n-wait, what’s happening?‘”

I don’t have a baby in my life, but I do understand being distracted by shit during sex. One time I couldn’t stop thinking of a cute dog I saw earlier that day. Then again, that’s not saying much, since one time I almost rear-ended the car in front of me because I got distracted by a billboard for Gatorade.

And because it was James Corden’s debut show, he decided to make the most out of his other guest Tom Hanks (who totally sat there during the talking-during-fucking debate with a “What is my life, what are my choices” look on his face) by doing a bit called Every Tom Hanks Movie in 8 Minutes:

Even though that was budget as hell and I’m sure they forgot one of two or ten movies, they did remember to include The ‘Burbs, aka the greatest Tom Hanks film ever made, so I couldn’t hate it that much.

Demi Lovato Says She Might Not Be Alive If It Weren’t For Wilmer Valderrama

Coincidentally, a whole bunch of STDs just said the same thing.

Today is the day that former mile-high cokehead Demi Lovato celebrates her third year of sobriety from the bad shit, and in honor of what is a legitimate milestone in Hollywood, she decided to make us all want to reach for the closest mind-numbing substance we can get our hands on by posting a picture of herself kissing noted man slut douchebag type Wilmer Valderrama to Instagram. According to Demi, Fez from That 70s Show is the reason she’s clean and sober and still with us:

“I wish I could put into words how grateful I am for this man right here. But my love has grown to a level that words could never possibly express how much this man completes me. He’s loved me the way I never thought I deserved to be loved and with this day marking my 3rd year sober… After sharing my ups, putting up with my downs and supporting my recovery… he still never takes credit and I want the world to know how incredible his soul is. I really wouldn’t be alive today without him. I love you Wilmer”

Mark this day in your calendar: for the first time in history, Wilmer Valderrama is actually responsible for something good. “Now if only he could pay it forward and get rid of this douchey-looking facial hair on me” thought his jawline.

I have a soft spot in my heart for Demi Lovato, because she’s kind of a NFGQiT (No Fucks Given Queen in Training), and normally I’d advise anyone with a snatch to stay as far away from Wilmer Valderrama as possible, but she’s doing really well, which means…he might not be totally the worst? I mean, he is keeping her away from booze and druggy dust. Let me tell you, this situation is a real Snatch-22.

Here’s a healthy and sober Demi Lovato at GMA last Thursday:

Pics: Splash

And Now For Shailene Woodley’s Vaguely Stoner-Sounding Thoughts About Love

Seen above looking like the mistake baby of Little Edie and one of the Grey Gardens attic racoons, Shailene Woodley recently talked to ELLE and she gave them Shailene Woodley’s thoughts on love. And not surprisingly, the discount health food store version of Jennifer Lawrence sounds like she’s rolling on a wicked second-hand high from standing too close to the pottery kiln (or as she calls it, the snack station). Warning: it’s very long and will definitely give you the same light-headed feeling you get from sniffing 99 cent store permanent markers.

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Color Me An Apricot Shade Of Shocked: Lindsay Lohan Managed To Complete Her Community Service In Time (UPDATE)

Well, it’s official: time travel has been discovered, and the first person to use it correctly is that sneaky sunset-colored con artist Lindsay Lohan so she could go back in time and complete 15 days worth of community service hours before her court date this morning. I don’t know how she did it, but according to TMZ, she did it. This is surely one of the signs of the end times, and I just got really, really nervous.

TMZ says that Community Serve Volunteers in London will send a letter to Lindsay’s lawyer Shawn Holley confirming that she has completed all 240 hours of her required community service. If you see the person in charge of writing reference letters at Community Service Volunteers wearing a fur coat and carrying a self tanner-stained Birkin bag, you’ll know why. NO! I’m sure the Apricot Ashtray didn’t do anything shady to get that letter. She totally got that letter fair and square by busting her ass and servicing the community.

LiLo’s completion of her delinquent community service hours means that she doesn’t have to worry about going back to jail. Please join me in a round of boisterous laughter, because we all know that would never happen. Besides, jail doesn’t want her – they already have a hard enough time keeping jail clean without having to worry about yanking a 27-inch long clump of busted orange hair extensions from the shower drain every morning.

And now that all this messy community service business is behind her, LiLo can finally get back to her true passion: going on vacation!

UPDATE: Radar says the prosecutor who met with Shawn Holley in court this morning is calling shenanigans on LiLo’s community service hours. Apparently LiLo listed a bunch of dates she was stuck in the hospital dealing with that Chikungunya virus as days she logged community service hours. And TMZ says she apparently tried to pass off greeting fans after a performance of Speed-The-Plow as community service. Oh LiLo, you know you’re next-level lazy when you can’t even be bothered to lie properly.

And Now For The Story Of A Rapper Named Kevin Gates Who Used To Date One Of His Cousins

Now would be the time to light a few vanilla-scented candles and pour yourself a tall glass of pink champagne-style alcoholic beverage, because this story is all sorts of romantic and you’re going to want to set the mood right. Rapper Kevin Gates recently admitted to TMZ that he used to fuck his cousin. Like his cousin cousin, as in related to and sharing DNA with. But it wasn’t just a hit it & quit it & see you at the family reunion kind of thing. You see, Kevin is a gentleman. Kevin began dating his cousin back in 2006, but back then he didn’t know they were related. 3 months into their relationship, Kevin’s grandmother informed him that they were cousins.

Normally when you find out that you share an Ancestry.com page (more like Incestry.eww, in this case) with the person you’re humping on, you might consider calling it quits on your relationship. But not Kevin. Like I said before, Kevin is a gentleman; he continued to date his cousin for another 2 years. TWO YEARS! That’s forever in regular people time, let alone in boning your cousin time.

Kevin says he doesn’t regret getting nasty with his cousin, and claims they’re still on good terms. However, he isn’t sure how related they actually are; Kevin says he never found out whether it was his first, second, or third cousin. But it doesn’t matter, because according to Kevin, she was “good pussy”. Here, I’ll let Kevin explain it himself:

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