Category: I Don’t Even Know
Have Some Extra Cash? Tila Tequila Needs New Furniture!
The last time we checked in on Tila Tequila’s job situation, she was balancing at-home phone sex work with a day-long appearance on Big Brother UK. Tila didn’t get shit when she left the BBUK house (well, besides whatever loose change she found while rooting around under the couch cushions). And it looks like she really could have used that $175,000 appearance fee, because last week she started a GoFundMe page to help her buy some new furniture and pay her rent. I guess MTV reality dating show residual checks just aren’t what they used to be.
According to Tila’s GoFundMe page (via Uproxx), Tila was looking to reach a goal of $2500. Tila said she needed the money to buy new furniture and bedding for a new apartment that she’s moving in to with her one-year-old daughter, Isabella. Tila’s reason for begging is that she’s a single mom trying to make ends meet, and she’d rather spend what money she has on her daughter. She also needs some cash to pay the rent on their current apartment, which Tila says was recently raised to $4500 a month.
Since Tila started her GoFundMe page six days ago, 58 people have helped her raise nearly $3000, which is exactly $3000 more than I ever would have estimated she’d make. Tila thanked all the suckers who dropped money into her online coffee cup, along with a description of what kind of thank-you presents her donors can expect to receive. Oh, and she also swatted at the haters who side-eyed her for asking strangers to cover her Bed Bath & Beyond bill.
Kylie Jenner Is Getting At Least $100,000 To Booze It Up In Canada On Her 18th Birthday
Kylie Jenner, the human child underneath all those pounds of makeup, filters, matte shellac and collagen, is turning 18 on August 10th and she wouldn’t be Pimp Mama Kris’ kid if she didn’t use her birthday to make hundreds of thousands of dollars. Kylie is going to celebrate her birthday at a beach club in Montreal where she can get drunk out in the open, because the legal drinking age in Québec is 18. Well, at least she can legally drown her sorrows in the sweet nectar after Tyga dumps her in a text because she’s too old for him now.
TMZ says that clubs in the US can’t give the Kim Kardashian kosplayer a check to celebrate her 18th birthday with them, because she’s still not of drinking age. So she’ll host her “official” 18th birthday party on August 16th at Beachclub Montreal, which is a mini party island. The club’s owner, Olivier Primeau, says that Kylie will make her grand entrance in a helicopter, which will land on a boat that will dock next to her table full of champagne. Kylie’s presence will cost the club somewhere between $100,000 to $200,000. Her 18th birthday party will be JUST like mine, except I didn’t get paid 1 cent and instead of getting drunk on champagne at a club in Montreal, I got drunk on beer and wine coolers while listening to the Spice Girls in the backyard of the house my friend was watching.
But really, if you’re wondering what Hell is like, go to Beachclub Montreal on August 16th and feel your soul shrivel up into a ball as you surround yourself with drunken douchebags who are willing to pay a cover charge to party sort of near Kylie Jenner. But you know, it isn’t true that Kylie can’t legally drink in the US. Kylie is a serious business woman, owns a house and she rides in private jets with Kunty Karl. There’s a law in the US called “The Special Kase Law” that states that any minor can do grown people stuff like date grown men and drink booze as long as they go to business meetings and ride in private jets with Kunty Karl. Ask Khlozilla, she knows.
And here’s Kylie going to some restaurant with The Slow One last night. If you’re wondering how Kylie got her “natural curves,” then I’m guessing you’ve never heard of someone called a plastic surgeon. No, apparently Kylie got her curves from using “enhancement cream,” which she hawked on Instagram today. I’m guessing the secret ingredient in that “enhancement cream” is snake oil. Too bad she can’t smear that “enhancement cream” on Kim’s brain.
Justin Bieber Wants You To Believe He Graduated High School With A 4.0 GPA
I don’t know what’s giving me the creeps more: Justin Bieber’s “fuck me” face on the right, or his naughty “look who found a secret box of superhero costumes in the back of Mommy’s closet” stare on the left. You’re right, definitely BOTH. Let’s move on, I feel nauseous.
The 21-year-old patch of ratty hair growing on humanity’s upper lip was recently interviewed for Interview magazine by Martha Stewart (Martha, NO!), and once again his PR team he’s reminding you that he’s not nearly as much of a useless little turd as he seems. Despite the fact that he became a full-time pop star at the age of 13, and that many of the life decisions he’s made in the past several years are similar to that of your dumbass high school dropout cousin, Justin Bieber claims he graduated high school. Not only that, Justin told Martha that he graduated with a 4.0 GPA. Uh huh.
Obviously the cynical bitch in me believes the only graduating Justin Bieber has ever done is from diapers to big boy pants, on account of all of his homework time being taken up by drag racing and smoking weed. But let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and say he did graduate high school. I’m still side-eyeing that “4.0 GPA” business pretty hard. Case in point:
sunday comes after saturday? weird
— Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) March 19, 2011
He can’t even understand the days of the week. Either he completed the same not-school high school program as Jaden and Willow Smith, or he got that 4.0 by slipping 4.0 million dollars into his homeschool teacher’s checking account. Regardless, that smart 4.0 brain of his was clearly no match for Martha and her shade A-game:
“I have a picture of the three of us. Your mom’s in the middle, and you look about 10 years old, but you must’ve been 16 or 17 because that’s only about four years ago.”
Here’s more of Justin looking like a decoy for an American Horror Story cross-over episode of To Catch A Predator.
Natalie Portman Is Going To Play Jackie Kennedy In An Upcoming Biopic
Less than a week ago, the definition of “Sure? I guess?” was re-written when we found out that Natalie Portman would be playing a young Ruth Bader Ginsburg in the upcoming biopic On The Basis Of Sex, and now it’s about to be re-written once again. Variety says that Natalie Portman will star as Jackie Kennedy in an upcoming biopic called Jackie. Somewhere in a pile of old pillbox hats stolen from the set of The Kennedys, Katie Holmes is thinking to herself “I’m sorry, was I not available?”
According to Variety, Jackie will be about Jackie Kennedy’s first four days after the assassination of President John F. Kennedy, or as the production company making it describes it, “the days when Jackie Kennedy becomes an icon but has lost everything.” Natalie’s boo Darren Aronofsky is producing it, and they’ll start filming towards the end of this year.
For someone who uses their Oscar as a doorstop, Natalie sure is going hard for those potential Best Actress nomination roles. First young RBG, now Jackie Kennedy? And not just Jackie, but Jackie right after her husband was killed? She’s not playing around. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before Variety announces that on top of RBG and Jackie, Natalie will also be starring in upcoming biopics based on the lives of Susan B. Anthony, Billie Jean King, Sally Ride, Sally Field, and the Sun-Maid raisin lady. Damn Natalie, save a nomination or two for Jennifer Lawrence!
Natalie Portman Will Play Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg In A Movie
“Can you believe this shit?” whispered Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s eyes to all of us. No Ruth, I can’t. Kate McKinnon was ROBBED!
Deadline says that Natalie Portman has been cast as Ruth Bader Ginsburg in the upcoming movie On The Basis Of Sex. I’d say this sounds Oscar-baity, but we all know she’s not in it for the Oscar.
For those of you horny fucks crossing your fingers that On The Basics Of Sex is about current-day Ruth Bader Ginsburg getting her nasty on and that Natalie Portman will drop out at the last minute and be replaced by the Notorious RBG herself, I have some terrible news: it’s not about current-day Ruth Bader Ginsburg tearing up the bedroom, and Natalie probably won’t drop out. It’s actually about young RBG as she fights for equal rights throughout her career. They’re apparently going to start shooting this shit around the end of this year.
When I first heard this news, I naturally assumed Hollywood had pulled a Hollywood and cast 33-year-old Natalie Portman as 82-year-old Ruth Bader Ginsburg, because 33 is basically 82 in Hollywood years. But then once I realized they were setting On The Basics Of Sex back in time, it made a bit more sense. I guess if you squint hard enough they look alike. But does it even matter? Hollywood is just going to throw a pair of busted glasses on her face and pull her hair back and be like “Ta da! It’s the old judge lady who isn’t Judy!”
Speaking of, a movie about RBG is great and everything, but what I really want is a biopic about Judge Judy. I think we all do, really. Except knowing Hollywood, the role of Judith Sheindlin will be played by Jennifer Lawrence in a Joy Behar wig. Oh crap, I’m going to stop talking before I give Hollywood any ideas.
Maury Povich Talks About The Weirdest Paternity Test Result To Ever Happen On Maury
And no, it has nothing to do with Papa John impregnating a woman with a half-human, half-pepperoni baby (I wish); I just wanted to use a picture of Maury Povich giving the kind of stank face I picture he gives Connie Chung after discovering she accidentally threw out his last box of Touch of Gray by Just for Men.
Foxy paternity-testing salt & pepper pop-pop (don’t judge me) Maury Povich did a Reddit AMA yesterday, and one of the questions he was asked was what he thought was the most memorable moment on his show. Based on my Raymond Babbitt-like knowledge of Maury episodes, I assumed Maury would answer either every time dude busted out a next-level not-the-father end zone dance or the time one of his staffers dressed up like a giant tampon to cure a bitch of her cotton ball fear, because those are some memories that will never die. But according to Maury, it was the WTF results of a paternity test for twins:
“It’s happened twice. A woman accused a guy of being the father of her twins. And when I opened the envelope —and I don’t know the answers before anybody else does —he was the father of one of the twins, but not the other. And they were fraternal twins. And science says that’s a million-to-one shot, that there could be two fathers of twins. And it’s happened twice. So the million-to-one shot has come in twice. And that’s the most surprised I ever was.”
I knew that shit could happen to cats. But people? And can those babies even technically be considered twins? That’s more like two half-siblings sharing a room at the same time. I dunno, science is confusing – especially for someone whose sole source of human fertilization information is Maury.
But I think the thing that’s most shocking about that story is learning that those paternity tests on Maury are real. I’m truly shocked!