Here’s Baby Princess Charlotte’s First Official Portrait, Co-Starring Toddler Prince George

“What is this thing? Is it food? Is it a toy? Why am I holding it? Is this what a baby corgi is? It’s not going to take my crown, is it? I’ve got my eye on you, soft baby corgi thing.”

Earlier today, Prince William and Duchess Kate released the first official portrait of five-week-old Baby Princess Charlotte. Thanks to the fourteen billion cameras waiting outside the Lindo Wing on the day she was born, we already sort of knew what she looked like. Well, now we know what she looks like when she’s awake and being snuggled on by her big brother Toddler Prince George. All together now: “AWWWWWWWWWWW.”

Shortly after Kensington Palace tweeted the first shot of BPC and TPG, they tweeted that the pictures were taken by Duchess Kate in mid-May, so that means Baby Princess Charlotte is still a pretty new baby. But she’s already very adorable, and that has me all kinds of jealous. Not too long ago, I was looking at baby pictures of myself, and I looked like a cooked cocktail shrimp until I hit the 3-month mark. BPC is lucky – she’ll never look back at her baby pictures and think “Why do I look like I’m about to be dipped in some zesty ketchup sauce?”

Kensington Palace also released a couple extra pics of BPC and TPG being adorable with each other, which is very generous of them, but there’s a crucial element of cute missing. Where’s Lupo the doggie?!? These pictures of BPC and TPG are nothing without Lupo trying to give his tiny humans slobbery doggie kisses.

Pics: Twitter

Will Ferrell And Kristen Wiig’s Secret Lifetime Movie Is Definitely Happening

When The Hollywood Reporter spilled the beans back in April that Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig had made a secret semi-serious Lifetime movie called A Deadly Adoption, tears of pure happiness poured from my eye-holes like Botox from a broken seam in Kim Kardashian’s face. Then later, when Will Ferrell announced that he was throwing the whole thing in the trash because it was supposed to be a secret, my happy tears turned to sad stanky tears.

Now my tears have gone back to the happy kind again, because The Hollywood Reporter confirmed yesterday that A Deadly Adoption is back on and will air on June 20th. And thanks to that poster, now I’m really excited. A Deadly Adoption looks like True Detective meets Mom at Sixteen starring Chuck Norris and a heavily airbrushed Cathy from Dance Moms. Of course, that’s all a lot of words to say that it looks perfect, and I will be clearing my schedule for the night of the 20th so I can park my ass on the couch with a box of wine and get messy while I watch this mess. “And that’s different from every other night how?” just coughed my couch, my ass, and the 12 boxes of wine stacked in my kitchen.

The only problem I can see is that date. June 20th isn’t a Sunday. “Sources” tell THR that someone fucked up, and the poster should have said “Saturday June 20.” It’s already a mess, and it hasn’t even aired yet! Good job, Will Ferrell; you really know your Lifetime movies.

Pic: Twitter

When Reese Witherspoon’s Face Says It All…

Ah, the unwanted piece of soggy white bread in an open-faced attention-yanking sandwich; truly one of the more awkward third wheel situations. If that uncomfortable non-smile on Reese Witherspoon’s face was any tighter, she could pressure-squeeze a dozen lemons and make a batch of lemonade for the thirsty bitches beside her.

Reese reunited with her Cruel Intentions co-stars Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma Blair last night to watch that Cruel Intentions parody musical that Reese’s kids definitely have no interest in seeing, and SMG and Selma decided to make things weird for Reese by recreating their mouth-humping moment from the movie before the show. That’s nice, but what I really would have loved to see was Sarah Michelle Gellar walk up to a random usher and hiss “I don’t fuck losers.”

Honestly though, I can’t really roll my eyes at this, because I love Cruel Intentions and my heart won’t let me. Every time my brain starts to think “Okay you two“, my heart slaps it across its dumb brain face and screams “How DARE you! Show some respect you tacky tramp, that’s bitch legend Kathryn Merteuil you’re talking about.”

If only Reese’s drunk alter-ego Laura Jeanne Poon had something to say about all this. No, you’re right – she wouldn’t have to say anything. The dollar bills she’d be throwing at them while cackling “GET IT, GIRL!” would say it all.

Here’s more of Reese, Sarah Michelle, and Selma’s Cruel Intentions mini-reunion last night and thankfully they Instagrammed the hell out of it. I’ve also thrown in a couple pics of Reese Witherspoon subtly hustling a $155 tote bag from DraperJames.com while cruising around Beverly Hills yesterday.

Pics: Instagram, Splash/INF

Bill Murray Showed Us What Eight Layers Of Drunk Looks Like Last Night

After filming his last appearance on the Late Show with David Letterman last night, no-fucks-given legend Bill Murray had a GHOSTBUSTER DOWN moment on the set of MSNBC’s The Last Word with Lawrence O’Donnell. Bill was apparently next-level hammered and when he went to sit down, that chair wanted no part of it and tossed his drunk ass. If you want to see Bill Murray doing an impression of what Michael K and I would look like while returning to the “Dlisted office” after 3-for-1 lunch drinks at Señor Sloppys, here it is.

Damn, if that isn’t the definition of too drunk. Even that messy bitch Slimer is like “Gurd god, gurt it togurther!” For those of you wondering if maybe he wasn’t actually ripped to shit and his fall was just the result of being old or mixing back pills with boner pills, no no – he was as drunk as your drunkest uncle after discovering a jug of homemade red wine in the basement at Christmas.

But back to Bill on Letterman. Bill Murray has been a regular guest on the Late Show for years, so David Letterman asked him to be his last guest ever. So he did what any good guest would do: he jumped out of a cake. Well, jumped is a little bit of an overstatement; it was really more of a cream-covered fall.

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Janet Jackson Just Announced That She’s Releasing A New Album AND Going On Tour

I did the exact same thing Janet Jackson is doing above when I heard that she’s releasing another album of whispery pop warbles, except I also tried to sing-scream the high note from “He Doesn’t Know I’m Alive” and my voice cracked like a 13-year-old boy. But it doesn’t even matter, because I’m too excited about the news that Janet Jackson is returning after what feels like a 40-year hiatus (technically it’s only been seven years since Discipline, but whatever – when your brain is 80% Diet Dr. Pepper-pickled mush like mine is, time is irrelevant).

Normally when it’s your birthday, you hold out your arms and wait for them to be filled with presents. But today Janet decided to give a gift to the world instead by announcing on Twitter that she was releasing new music and leaving her billionaire husband with a couple frozen dinners so she could go on a world tour. And when I say announcing, I mean announcing – all we get is Janet’s voice lit up in green lights like she’s the Wizard of Oz or something.

I guess they had trouble lighting Janet’s face in a way that makes her look like a drawing of Janet Jackson (aka how she usually looks in promo shots). That, or she was too busy getting fitted for the 400 random belts she’ll wear during that tour. So many belts! The woman loves belts.

Janet’s tweet announcement also contained the hashtag “#ConversationsInACafe“, which could be the name of the album or the name of the tour. Personally, I hope it’s neither! Conversations In A Cafe sounds like an album by John Tesh that was recorded in association with Panera Bread. Maybe my standards are too high, but I expect more from someone who once headlined something called the Rock Witchu Tour.

David Duchovny And Gillian Anderson Made A Million Nerd Dreams Come True Last Night

Excuse me, but I need a moment to wipe away the various bodily fluids that started seeping out of me (drool, tears, random down-low liquids) after my eyes gazed upon the glorious sight of a still-can-get-it David Duchovny respectfully mouth humping on Gillian Anderson. Normally I’d call Gillian a fool for not grabbing his face with both hands and shoving her tongue deep enough into his throat that she could play his trachea like a xylophone, but Gillian is clearly more of a lady than I am. “Understatement” just hissed every one who knows my trashy ass.

The reason for Mulder and Scully’s mini X-Files reunion was to celebrate the release of David’s debut album Hell or Highwater in New York last night. Gillian hopped up on stage with David to sing a duet of “Helpless”, and that’s why the person in your office with the I WANT TO BELIEVE  poster is currently sobbing in the bathroom. It’s not bad; it’s basically what I imagine it would sound like if Mulder and Scully got drunk after work on questionable alien wine and hit up a karaoke bar.

Obviously Gillian and David’s duet and subsequent kiss could all just be some pre-planned stunt queen moves to drum up attention for his album or get people hyperventilating about that upcoming X-Files reboot, but I don’t care. Watching Mulder and Scully pre-fuck (isn’t that what kissing is, really?) is like nerd Christmas. But just like regular Christmas, I didn’t get what I really wanted out of that performance: hot daddy Walter Skinner entering from stage right without a shirt on and tearing shit up with a sexy harmonica solo.