Tina Fey And Ronda Rousey Are Starring In A Movie Together

Tina Fey totally just got a text from Amy Poehler that said: “Are you breaking up with me? Look, I know Sisters didn’t bring in a pile of money, but it’s not our fault – I mean, we were up against Star Wars. WE WERE UP AGAINST STAR WARS!!!”

You can go ahead and file this one into the folder marked “Headlines I Never Thought I’d Write“, because, honestly, I never thought I’d be writing about a future movie starring Liz Lemon and professional ass-kicker Ronda Rousey. But here we are. Variety says that Universal has picked up Do Nothing Bitches, an upcoming film written by my favorite SNL fake audience member Paula Pell (who also wrote Sisters) and based off a term coined by Ronda to describe hot lazy wallet-humpers. No word on whether Tina will be playing a do nothing bitch, but they do say that Ronda will be playing a “no-nonsense” instructor at a do nothing bitch conversion camp. Tina Fey is also producing it.

Normally the thought of a  ____-turned-actor gives me a bad feel in my stomach (see: the undisputed queen of ____-turned-actresses, Cindy Crawford), but Ronda might not be that bad by the time Do Nothing Bitch starts filming. She’ll already have han SNL episode and (with the blessing of the ghost of Patrick Swayze) that Roadhouse remake on the resume on the back of her acting headshot.

But does it even really matter? No, because the only film we need about a do nothing bitch who goes to bootcamp has already been made: MAJOR MOVIE STAR! Sorry Hollywood, but unless you recast Tina and Ronda with Jessica Simpson (playing both parts, of course), there’s no way you can top such indisputable excellence in film.

Pics: Wenn.com

Jennifer Hudson Will Probably Play Aretha Franklin In A Biopic About Aretha Franklin

That soft thud you just heard was the sound of Beyonce angrily whipping her Etta James wig across the room.

According to The Wrap, Jennifer Hudson should start doing so neck exercises, because there’s a very good chance she’ll be balancing a giant gray bow hat on it very soon. Academy Award-winner (there goes that wig again) Jennifer Hudson is currently in talks to play Queen of Soul and Empress of Shade Aretha Franklin in an upcoming biopic. Back in the day, Aretha thought Halle Berry should play her, but it sounds like that’s not happening. The biopic, which is currently called The Untitled Aretha Franklin Project, has been in development for a couple of years now and will focus on Aretha’s rise to fame in the ’60s and ’70, and her relationship with her abusive ex-husband Ted White.

So far, nothing has been confirmed, but JHud’s rep isn’t exactly denying that she’s been talking to people from The Untitled Aretha Franklin Project. And considering I don’t remember Aretha releasing any “Great gowns, beautiful gowns” clouds of stank about JHud, I’m going to assume it’s probably a sure thing.

Jennifer Hudson has done Aretha before and done her well, and she sort of looks like Aretha if you squint, but she is lacking in one major area: Aretha’s Tempur-Pedic memory foam titties. If Jennifer is fully committed to a convincing portrayal of Aretha, she’s going to have to go back to Weight Watchers and ask them for all her weight back. Then she’s going to have to go to a surgeon that specializes in weight relocation and have it all stuffed up into her chest. But if she doesn’t want to go under the knife, I’m sure she could always shove two balloons up her shirt, throw some tracking dots around her nipples, and ask the CGI people to add them in later.

As The Star Wars Super-Fans Lose Their Damn Minds…

I feel like I’m watching a real-life Star Wars fanfic re-imagining of the “Now I want you two to kiss” scene from Wild Things. Oh, Mark Hamill, you dirty dog.

San Diego Comic-Con, the most wonderful time of the year for nerdy types, is here. And last night, J. J. Abrams played Santa and made millions of geek dreams come true by packing the Star Wars: The Force Awakens panel full of Star Wars people. The cast of the new movie! The cast of the old movie! A post-hospital Harrison Ford (who was apparently a little wobbly)! Carrie Fisher! But obviously the best part was when Princess Leia and Han Solo’s lips reunited with each other on stage. Sure, it wasn’t nearly as nasty as I would have liked (don’t tell me Leia and Han weren’t into some truly kinky shit), but I’ll take what I can get. If the idea of watching two legends who can still get it gently mouth humping on each other is your idea of a good time, it happens around the 5:33 mark below.

Besides Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford kissing on each other, a bunch of other Star Wars shit happened too. J. J. Abrams confirmed that Star Wars 7 was done filming and that they’re just editing it together now. They also brought an alien puppet thing from the new movie on stage.

That’s almost exactly what I imagine Charlie Sheen’s blood looks like under a high-powered microscope. Then after all the talking, they hauled the 6,000-person audience outside for a Star Wars concert. Sadly, it wasn’t performed by that hot bitch Sy Snootles and the Max Rebo Band. I guess they had a more important gig, like playing for Naboo royalty or something.

Here’s more from the Star Wars: The Force Awakens panel last night, including Mark Hamill working the hell out of a sexy semi-sheer shirt.

Pics: Splash

Harry Shearer Won’t Be Leaving “The Simpsons” After All

Thank Jeebus! I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to Mr. Burns or Otto or Stupid Sexy Flanders just yet. Two months after he declared he was done-diddly-un with The Simpsons, Entertainment Weekly says Harry Shearer has changed his mind and has agreed to return for the 27th season.

Harry Shearer originally decided to walk away from The Simpsons and a $14 million 2-year contract because he wanted the freedom to do other work and didn’t like his cut of the merchandising dollars, but something must have changed during negotiations. My guess was that FOX threatened to release the hounds or the robotic Richard Simmons, but it sounds like it came down to money. EW says that Harry Shearer has signed the exact same contract as everyone else, which means he’s locked in for the next four years and will make more than $300,000 per episode. Each season usually has about 22 episodes, which means Harry Shearer is looking at more than $26.4 million. I hope the first word out of his mouth when he looked at that number was a Mr. Burns-style “Excellent.”

No word on whether or not he’ll see any merchandising money, but I’m sure he could always ask Fat Tony to shake down the folks at Butterfinger for a couple bucks if he really wants them.

A four year contract means a ton of money, but it also means everyone has to stick around if the writers hit the 600 episode mark and really start to run out of ideas. At least they can crawl into a giant pile of dollars in the event they sit down for a table read and see the words “The Simpsons Do…Something. Go to Mars? Buy a kangaroo? IDK” written on the top of the script.

Pic: Splash

Channing Tatum Answered Some Questions About Channing Tatum And It Was Wonderful

Lovable stripping doofus Channing Tatum did an AMA on Reddit yesterday, or as Channing probably called it, “Yo, Give Me Much Questions.” Agreeing to do a Reddit AMA was really brave of Channing. He totally seems like the kind of guy who gets nervous every time he goes through the drive-thru at Taco Bell and the voice on the magic speaking box asks if he wants to make it a combo (“Oh man, I know this one…calm down dude, you got this“).

Channing is currently promoting Magic Mike XXL, so I expected every answer to be just a picture of his abs. Instead, he gave us a gift far more beautiful – Channing Tatum gave us the real thoughts rolling around inside Channing Tatum’s adorably dopey skull. That, or he smacked his penis around on the keyboard for a couple hours and let autocorrect do its thing. Either way, Christmas has come early! Note: All answers appear exactly as Channing typed them.

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Chris Hemsworth Will Play A Receptionist In The All-Female Ghostbusters Movie

“Thanks for calling Ghostbusters, Chris speaking. What’s that? You have a ghost living in your vagina? Oh no, I’m not falling for that one again.”

Janine Melnitz, the hot no-fucks-given glasses-wearing receptionist played by Annie Potts, is unquestionably one of the best parts of Ghostbusters (second only to that scene where Ray gets a blow job from a ghost). When it was announced back in January that Hollywood would be making a Ghostbusters movie with an all-female cast, I kept crossing my fingers that they’d bring back Annie Potts as Janine, because nobody can pick up a phone and say, “Gohssbustahs,” like Annie Potts.

Unfortunately, it looks like Annie Potts won’t be coming back. The good news, however, is that she’ll be replaced by People’s Sexiest Man Alive Chris Hemsworth. Variety says director Paul Feig made the announcement yesterday that Thor had joined the cast by tweeting a picture of Chris Hemsworth with the words “Our receptionist.” So now we know who will play the Ghostbusters and who will answer their phone. Still no word on who will play Slimer, but I’m hoping it’s Kesha.

Now I’m wondering what other Hollywood hunks were on that list with Chris Hemsworth. I’m going to guess it probably came down to Chris and Channing Tatum, but they went with Chris because that sexy doofus Channing just couldn’t figure out how to talk and pretend to answer a phone at the same time.

Pic: GQ