Excuse me, but I need a moment to wipe away the various bodily fluids that started seeping out of me (drool, tears, random down-low liquids) after my eyes gazed upon the glorious sight of a still-can-get-it David Duchovny respectfully mouth humping on Gillian Anderson. Normally I’d call Gillian a fool for not grabbing his face with both hands and shoving her tongue deep enough into his throat that she could play his trachea like a xylophone, but Gillian is clearly more of a lady than I am. “Understatement” just hissed every one who knows my trashy ass.
The reason for Mulder and Scully’s mini X-Files reunion was to celebrate the release of David’s debut album Hell or Highwater in New York last night. Gillian hopped up on stage with David to sing a duet of “Helpless”, and that’s why the person in your office with the I WANT TO BELIEVE poster is currently sobbing in the bathroom. It’s not bad; it’s basically what I imagine it would sound like if Mulder and Scully got drunk after work on questionable alien wine and hit up a karaoke bar.
Obviously Gillian and David’s duet and subsequent kiss could all just be some pre-planned stunt queen moves to drum up attention for his album or get people hyperventilating about that upcoming X-Files reboot, but I don’t care. Watching Mulder and Scully pre-fuck (isn’t that what kissing is, really?) is like nerd Christmas. But just like regular Christmas, I didn’t get what I really wanted out of that performance: hot daddy Walter Skinner entering from stage right without a shirt on and tearing shit up with a sexy harmonica solo.