Lock Up The Town Virgins!

St. Tropez better declare a CODE ANTOINE DODSON (Hint: Lock up errbody!), because Kunty Karl has landed and he can’t wait to slurp up a drop of local non-fat virgin blood off his Chanel coke spoon. Don’t worry, Kanty Karl will force one of his slaves to throw themselves over his body so he won’t risk staining his pristine white jacket with mortal blood.

Speaking of Karl’s slaves, why isn’t one of them carrying his zombie clutch for him? Karl’s hand bones are much too fragile for him to carry his own clutch. Karl better punish them later by making them moisturize his culo lips with the tears of his victims.

Here’s more pictures of Kunty Karl struttin’ that ass through St. Tropez yesterday. If Dr. Claw got a job as a maître d’ at a fancy gay vampire lounge, he would look just like Karl!

Ass To Ass

Gordon Ramsay was taking his sundried mammillas out for a stroll with his wife on the beach in St. Tropez yesterday when he stopped so that this eyeballs could taste a pair of roasted and wrinkled ham hocks. You know Gordon was thinking how delicious those things would taste with a red wine sauce drizzled on top of them and a side of broad beans. Serve ’em up, you stupid donkeys!

And before you start farting about how Gordon is wearing too many clothes on a nekkid beach, take a better look because he’s clearly baring the ass on top of his neck. What more do you want? (And I still would. Both those asses).

Jason Momoa as Conan The Barbarian

This is a new portrait of Lisa Bonet’s current fuck time partner Jason Momoa in the remake of Conan the Barbarian, which also stars Rose McGowan and Ron Perlman (aka the red wire and blue wire on a bomb).

You know, every time someone Googles “Jason Momoa shirtless” a satellite in space sends a jolt to my b-hole, so why am I not flicking my nipples to this picture of him? There he is, topless and flexing his BT (before Tweezers) brows, but not a tingle can be found on my body.

I know what it is. It’s that scraggly weave on his head made from the remnants in Brit Brit’s shower drain. That weave is cock blocking me! I realize that they didn’t have Sally Beauty Supplies back in the day to buy shampoo from, but damn! The grease is supposed to go over his nipples, not in his weave! Arnold knows what I’m talking about:

via Coming Soon

Vadge Without Photoshop?

NO! Vadge would never leave her coffin without bathing in hot wax and covering her body with the pelts of a dozen obese fetuses. Iggy Pop does not give a beef jerky fuck that he’s walking around looking like he was just exhumed after hundreds of years. Who cares if the worms are still wiggling under his skin! Iggy’s got this!

Here’s Iggy literally melting for his fans while performing in London last night. That theater probably smelled like boiled embalming fluid, muddled raisins, pork fat fresh off the bone and the tears from a million scared children. Basically it smelled like Freddy Krueger getting a skin graft underneath a McDonald’s heat lamp.

And just for the record, I sooo would. WELL, I’m sure his dick looks like a pork rind and you know how I always buy a bag of those when I go on a road trip.

The Real Sexual Napalm

Here we have Mah Boo Anderson Cooper throwing Jessica Simpson a “So you think your no-no makes dicks go boom?” look at Vanity Fair’s Oscar party on Sunday night.

Seriously, if John Mayer thinks Jessica has the stuff to cause crotch explosions, then he obviously doesn’t know about the Silver Fox’s powers. Don’t let Mah Boo’s size fool you. He might look like a baby Whippet next to Jessica’s bull dog body, but he just has to purse his mouth lips to make b-holes detonate.*

*I’m speaking from experience. It looks like Chernobyl down there.

It’s Daddy-Woww!

No, the man with Jersey Shore’s J-Woww (or JWoo-Hoo if your name is Vicki from Real Housewives of OC) is not Dana Carvey dressed as James Cameron for an SNL Oscar special. It’s her daddy Terry Farley! Now we finally know where J-Woww gets her stunning good looks from.

I don’t know why J-Woww has been hiding D-Woww. As soon as that Angelina trick and her Hefty luggage set left the shore house, D-Woww should’ve moved right in. If he danced by himself on the boardwalk, everyone would’ve gathered around and made it rain dollars on his ass. Seriously, eff those Jersey Shore whores, give DWoww his own show.